Time flies

Last week...

I turned 34.

My baby boy started Kindergarten, and I may or may not have cried. (And forgive the ugly wall. I have promised to strip the ugly wallpaper and paint in the playroom when certain little ones keep it clean without their mother blowing a blood vessel in her forehead... lol)
My middle girl started 1st grade. (I know... It's blurry. She's still pretty cute!)
My oldest girl started HIGH SCHOOL. Yes. High school.
My stepson started his Sophomore year in High School. (Sadly, I do not have a picture of his first day... Such is the life of the modern blended family.)

Oh dear.

But, it's good

Monday Rambles

Okay, so I know I just wrote a "Random" thread just last week. I have another. More because I'm not terribly sure how to talk about yesterday in any other way.

I drove to Houston and back. My butt was tard.

Before I left I had to get my son's birth certificate, which nearly left me certifiable. We do have it. Now I don't have to worry whether or not the server in Austin is up and running.

I got to see family. It's been far too long. I love them all very much.

I was nervous (irrationally so) about the chance of seeing my dad and his wife. I love him, but it would've been too heavy of a visit for me. I'm still not sure how to handle that relationship, if at all.

We went to dinner, and I didn't count calories, points, fat grams, protein, carbs or anything else. I was a big fat pig. It was just chicken, okra and squash. So what if two out of the three of those things were deep fried? I can't remember the last time I at at Goodson's Cafe, and I'm not sure when I'll eat there next.

Our server said that I made her night with my impressions. I'm not sure which impressions I performed, with the exception of imitating my 14.5 year old daughter, but that comes easily, since I used to be a 14.5 year old daughter. Who knows? I'm loud and obnoxious sometimes, so maybe it was mistaken for intentional humor. HA!

There was talk of everyone getting together for Thanksgiving this year. Apparently, the family doesn't get together as much as they used to, when my grandma was alive. That made me smile, and barring death or a nuclear holocaust (or zombies), I'll be there.

I had a nice, cleansing cry on the way home. Before my mom died, and she was going through all the problems with her marriage, she confided in me that Evanescence's "My Immortal" reminded her of the eroding relationship between she and my dad. I haven't heard the song in quite a while (it's a beautiful song I appreciated in it's own right before then, and I hadn't realized that it came out close to 7 years ago). It came on while I was flipping stations. It was probably the first time I listened to it in it's entirety since the suicide. It was a good cry.

I woke up this morning feeling hungover, without the benefit of pulling a boozer the night before. Dang!

As I looked at my oldest, I kept repeating over and over in my head that she was now a high school student. Where did the time go?

Speaking of which, I have to pick up the aforementioned eldest daughter from a Youth Cabinet meeting at our church.

Mental Exhaustion... I Haz it...

Today has been a beating. Some of it is my own doing, some isn't.

I have to get Ezra's final immunizations and I have to get a copy of his birth certificate. Why I didn't go ahead and get his birth certificate when I got Anna's last year, I'll never know. I left the house late. Both places open at 8am, and I didn't get to the Immunization Clinic until 1pm. Stupid. They close at 4pm, and they were already full. Oh, the price of being a procrastinator. I pay it all the time. In the clinic's parking lot, I called the Dallas County Bureau of Vital Statistics. I can't get a birth certificate, either. This was no fault of my own, but aggravating nonetheless. The server is down in Austin, so nobody in the state of Texas can get a birth certificate until the server is up and running.

From there, I call the elementary school. He cannot attend until there is a birth certificate on file. Ugh. However, I can still register him. At least I can do that. Surely, the server will be up before then.

I feel like I wasted half of my day. Instead of moping, I went to Whole Foods on my way home and picked a few things up, and the kids thanked me for the water and raisins. (Yet they didn't thank me for the junk food Happy Meal I let them have when I thought we'd be at the clinic all afternoon... lol)

Then we headed to Cost Plus World Market, because I have been craving Nonfat Sugarfree Iced Almond Lattes for days. I figured it would be a little more cost effective to buy a $7 bottle of SF Almond syrup and make my own, than heading to Saxby's for them. Though, Saxby's is really really good. (Not as good as a friend's place if you're ever in Garland, TX - The Generator, but it's a small bit of a drive for me.) I'm there, and I see a few single beers I'd like to try. I haven't had a beer in a month or so (and none for a few months before that), and it had been a stressful day. I felt especially deserving after I demonstrated a mammoth amount of patience with Ezra, since he decided to through an awesome fit in the middle of the store.

Then I get a call. The caller ID says "Dad". Ugh. Double ugh. See, I haven't talked to my dad in quite a while. I won't go into all of the sordid details, but I ceased contact with him. I love him, but I can't really go there. I let it go to voice mail, but my heart was racing. I'm not sure why I get so worked up. I guess it's a mix of guilt, anxiety and moderate trepidation. When I got in the car, I finally listened to the voice mail, and it was my dad's wife. (It feels really strange to say stepmother. He married her after my mom died [she's the woman my dad was seeing when they were married], so they've been married for less than 6 years. I'm not sure exactly when they married, though.)

When I ran into them the last time I went to my hometown (ran into them? I went to my mom's old house NOT expecting him to be there), I met her. I was cordial, and there was no need in being mean. I wasn't expecting to feel as aggravated as I did at her calling me. Seriously, one part of my mind went all white trash ghetto. "I know this tramp ain't callin' me. Triflin' ho. Couldn't she find a man of her own? Why'd she have to find my mama's husband?" (Yes, I know it's my dad's fault also... Believe me when I say we have our own issues.) It's just a strange situation all around. I have said numerous times that I've forgiven them. However, with all of these lingering feelings, I wonder if I really have. I think I was angry about my dad not calling me himself. If I do decide to start a relationship, it's with him, not her. I don't even know her.

Anyway, that's my day in a nutshell. Oh, it did have one big bright spot. I have wanted a step for working out. I posted about it on Facebook yesterday, and I immediately got a reply that a friend would leave one on her doorstep for me to pick up. Free! I was only looking for a used one. It would be cheaper and I would be environmentally conscious and all that. I'm lookin' out for you, Earth! Okay, I'm just a cheapskate.

I think I'll sit and have a beer and head to bed in a few. I have my husband by my side, and he makes it a lot better. Life is good.

Bribes are the bomb!

As I mentioned earlier, both kids were asleep when it was time to go to the Mom and Me WW meeting. Instead, I went to the next meeting. It wasn't a designated Mom and Me meeting, but I packed the little ones some snacks (apples and cheese) and promised them ice cream if they behaved.
I know. I'm one of those. I bribed my kids to behave. Really, it was just incentive. Reward! Okay, I'm justifying now. However, do you know what? My weight was down a tad AND they were super well behaved.

So, this is how the morning ended up (well, it was 12:30, so it was more like afternoon).


WIN!

FAIL!

Well, *I* woke up in time to go to the Mom and Me WW meeting, but my kids haven't. I've decided not to wake them. Nope, that would not be wise.

I suppose it's naptime for mama, too. :) Maybe the hubster will be home in time for me to head to an evening meeting.

Randomocity

A friend of mine sometimes has the best random blog posts ever. I'm going to rip her off. :)

I'm tard (as in sleepy, folks!). I need to get to sleep soon, so that I can make it to the 9:30am Mom and Me WW Meeting.

I need my hairs cut. The last two times they've not cut the back short enough, and it's cool for a week, but after that it grows out and is all weird. The front rocks, though.

Speaking of hair, I found some L'Oreal Preference Light Auburn in my cabinets. I also had exactly 2oz of developer left. That's all it took to make up my "omg, what color do I color my hair???" dilemma.

I wish Hank could find a job that didn't stress him out. He likes the people he works with, but it's the industry. If the house were paid off, we could just both go work as Walmart greeters. WOOT!

My kids have been cereal free for a couple days now. It's been easier than I thought. Ezra loves oatmeal and Anna loves yogurt and eggs. Another WOOT!

The kids are watching old Looney Toons cartoons. I love it. Maybe I'm getting old, but they really don't make cartoons as awesome as Looney Toons anymore.

I miss Allison. She's out of town with family, so she's in good hands. However, I still miss her.

Speaking of that kid, I'm proud of her. She and another girl organized a whole girls' sleepover at church where they will be doing a Bible study, playing games and talking about boys, dating and sex. They (along with the Youth Director and Intern) even scored a Professional Speaker for the night.

I have issues with feeling as if I look feminine enough. I should get over it. The hubby thinks I'm the bomb, why shouldn't I?

Anna's jacked up bangs are starting to look really cute. (Backstory - she chopped them off. Literally. She didn't want bangs and assumed you just cut them off to get rid of them.)

I love Facebook. I feel as if I get to harmlessly stalk all sorts of friends and family from the past and present.

Finding so many people on Facebook makes it a little heartbreaking when there are a few friends I absolutely cannot find, no matter how hard I search.

Does anyone go to MySpace anymore?

Speaking of social networking, I have found a reason to frequent Twitter. Kanye, how you entertain me, you strange, egotistical and talented man.

My hubby is awesome. He works hard so that I can have a job raising our kids myself. I sometimes get aggravated at having to be their caregiver 24/7, but I wouldn't want the job to go to anyone else, and this time is fleeting. My teenager is a daily reminder.

Speaking of her, wasn't she just learning to walk and talk the other day? Now she's going to be in high school. *gasp*

Your Authentic Self

It sounds so cliche , doesn't it? Something Oprah would speak of. (Isn't that where it originated? I'm not sure. I have to admit, I'm not much of an Oprah fan, though she has tons of admirable qualities, but I digress.)

The point is that I'm really trying to find the "real" me. How do I want to be and live when others aren't around to think about. Part of my personality is that I worry a lot about what others think. I shouldn't, but I do. I keep hearing one friend in my head telling me to "grow some balls" and get over it, and while she can be a brash person, she is a person I greatly admire.

I try to give off a certain image to differing people, and sometimes the conflict. I don't do it intentionally, I suppose; I'm just terribly afraid of people turning their noses up at me. Maybe it comes from growing up poor. I remember feeling less than other friends and schoolmates who had a lot more. I remember a television set that had a pair of tension pliers (is that even what they're called?) attached where the VHF knob used to be. That dates me a little, doesn't it? HA! I remember my parents driving old ugly cars. I remember my dad's drinking and both parents' tempers. All of it made me feel as if I had to put on a facade for others. Maybe that's why I act the way I do, and maybe it isn't. It's pointless to go over the why without actually trying to change it.

It manifests itself when I'm with friends outside of my church and/or faith. I proudly proclaim to be a Christian (and I am, though a pretty flawed one), but feel the need to show them I'm not some judgmental prude. Granted, most of the Christians I know aren't judgmental prudes anyway. I want to be hip, cool and bohemian without suburban mommy friends thinking I'm strange.

I've worked on this some. I mean, I had to. I chose to have two out-of-hospital births with my last two children, and that had some friends and family a little aghast. It was one of those things I felt strongly enough about that while I hated the comments, I dealt with it. Especially as I walked around at nearly 3 weeks past my due date, and random strangers would ask when I was due. You should see the looks when you reply, "A couple weeks ago." So, maybe I fibbed a little to strangers.

Either way, the point is... How do I find out who I am? Maybe I already do, I just need to stop letting my need for acceptance get in the way.

Getting Older...

It's funny. I want to look young. I don't want to look like a teenager or anything, but I want to look a little younger than my actual age (almost 34, for those keeping track). The funny thing about this is that I can't wait to be older. I think older women are simply beautiful. I love silver hair. The softening of a face by a few lines. In most cases, there's a lot of wisdom behind that silver hair and those lines. Though I've colored my hair since the ripe old age of 15, I know that when it is all silver, I will stop. It's not as if I'm in a hurry, because I think we should try and enjoy each stage of life for what it is, but it is also not something I fear in the slightest.

...and how's that for my first blog post in months? I will refrain from promising to post more. I will try, though. :)

Mo Money Mo Problems...

Okay, not really. I think "mo money" would be a fabulous thing right now.

I feel so badly for Hank right now. I know he feels like he works his butt off, and everything around us is breaking, and we can't save. We need new brakes for the van, but that's no new thing. He was planning on doing that this weekend. Then, he went to get his oil changed, and noticed there was a bolt in the sidewall of one of his rear tires. They needed to be replaced anyway, but he was hoping to hold off. He went to the tire shop (where he'd had it inspected, and really liked the guy), and they replaced them. Fine, but now the brakes would take a back seat.

Then last night the AC died. He looked, and the fan wasn't turning. He called an AC company, and thankfully, that was less than $200, but still. It's a pain.

Oddly enough, these are the times I'm most positive. Don't get me wrong, it sucks. However, I think I go into "mental survival mode" and start really counting all of my blessings. When I realize that these little things suck, but I'm not in some third world country living in a one room mud hut with my entire family crammed in. They damned sure don't have AC. They damned sure don't have a car, or even a grocery store to walk to. I know that all sounds silly, but it puts things in perspective. Sometimes I think things like this happen almost to knock me off of my high horse of thinking I deserve certain things. I don't deserve a darned thing, materially speaking. It's all bonus. Life is good.

Heavy Man... Heavy...

Disclaimer: This is not some funny, witty post about the silly goings on of mine and my family's life. Most of my posts are, and I like it that way. I love my family. However, this is not one of those times.

Six years ago today, my mom committed suicide. My mind tells me that sometimes someone can be so depressed, that they are unable to see beyond their pain. I've been there, at times. My heart feels much differently. I feel like it was the most selfish thing she ever could've done. I want to scream at her. I've had dreams where I've done so. Not even so much for me. More so for my kids. My mom helped me raise my oldest daughter, and they were very close. My youngest daughter was just eight weeks old when she killed herself. (As an aside, I often just say she died. It sounds a lot less violent and messy that way, but the truth is that she didn't simply die. She made a conscious decision not to exist on this earth any longer.) She would never get my youngest son. I am still taken aback when he asks me where my mommy is.

I look through her journals, and regularly contemplate throwing them in the trash. After I pick through all the spelling errors (NERD!!!), I find it quite ironic to see how often she wrote of my Aunt Beverly's suicide. She knew the pain of losing a loved one at their own hand. She would write about how angry she was with her sister. I remember her telling me how awfully selfish it was, many times. She would recall the moment where she, my aunts and uncles relayed the news to my grandma, and how she made the most horrible sound with her cry. That nobody should ever hear something like that. How she couldn't stand to see her mother in so much pain. How a mother shouldn't lose a child, and how she especially shouldn't lose them this way.

By the way, I didn't get to know my Aunt Beverly terribly well, because I only got to see her sporadically. She did live with my grandparents for a while when she was contemplating moving to the town we lived in. She was there through the last half of my pregnancy with Allison, and through quite a few months of Allison's life. She was my oldest's first sitter, and she was especially proud of her little great-niece.

It's funny the emotions this anniversary can bring. To be quite honest, I'd forgotten about today. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was coming, and I have never forgotten that June 2 was the day she ended her life. Never. It's just that, in the hubbub of daily life, I often forget the date. I was simply going about my morning routine... Hoping Ezra would sleep in (FAIL!!! HE DIDN'T!!! ), so that I could catch a small cat nap. However, before I even sat down to sneak a few ZZZs on the sofa, I checked Facebook, and I was quickly reminded.

I wonder when I'll get over being angry with her. I mean, I'm not angry all the time, and thoughts don't consume me. It's just that when I really sit and think about it, I get angry with her. It reminds me that I'm in a special club that I never signed on for. I have two cousins and one second cousin who have lost their mothers to suicide. It's the dirty secret I don't like to speak of. Not so much that I'm ashamed. It's very uncomfortable, to say the least. People don't know what to day, and they want to comfort you.

I'll end this by saying that I do still love my mom. Angry? Yeah. I don't hate her. I still love the other two souls in my family who took their own lives... My Aunt Beverly and my cousin Kim. However, if I don't feel like commemorating the anniversary (or anniversaries), this is why.

Much love, and God bless. I promise to come back here and sporadically post about my silly family life. My wonderful, hectic, silly family life.

Our Neighborhood

I love our neighborhood. I live in a town where the West side is much more prosperous than the East side. However, that's not to say the East Side is poor. Sure, there are poor people here, but it's a mix of incomes. We joke that we live in Tha Hood. And sure, in comparison to the other side of the city, it might seem like that.

The fact is that it's older. I think it has a lot of character. Our old downtown area is very interesting to me. Even the suburbs here are cool, in my ever so humble opinion. The crime is higher here than there, but it's okay. We're still pretty low on the crime scale when compared to many other places. I like that my kids go to schools where they are not the obvious majority. I look at Allison's group of friends, and it's such a rainbow, and that's so cool. I grew up in a few areas. In middle school (which was 5th and 6th grade where I was), I was a very clear minority. I don't think I really noticed, other than sometimes the white folks seemed to be looked down upon. I didn't like it that much. Then we moved to a small town near my grandma. It's a great little town, but the Jr. High and HS I attended clearly had a white majority. There were maybe 15% African American students, less Hispanic, and only a smattering of Asian and Middle Eastern kids. There was a lot of racial strife during HS, mostly by some kids claiming to be part of the KKK. I seriously doubt they actually had ties, but the hate was there, nonetheless.

Anyway, my little city is not perfect, but I don't seem to see a ton of racial divide. I like that. I like the mix of economies here. It's not the bohemian downtown life I envisioned, but we have kids. I had to make sure that we had a safe place for our kids to go to school and grow up. We have plenty of time to live that bohemian life when we're empty nesters. This is worth it. And I like it.

I like looking at the old houses and our community, and one thing we do right is that we have great parks and walking trails. I got a chance to really look around yesterday as I was walking.

Anyway, Just some obervances, and me realizing that I really like where we're at.

Social Time FAIL

Last week, Ezra and I went to a Monday morning playdate held by various moms at our church. It's held at a different mom's house each week. Kids get to play, and moms get to talk to other grown ups. WIN!

I was looking forward to it this morning, however Ezra's immune system had other ideas. Thankfully, it's nothing serious. As a matter of fact, it was mild enough for me to consider going. He just coughed a few times this morning. Then I noticed that he was all sorts of snotty, he was coughing more, and he had an ever so slight fever. Debate over. We're chillin' at home.

I'm happy and irritated at how many times he has asked to go outside to play, but I had to be the mean mom and tell him he had to stay in. I think he's over it now that he's playing Lego Indiana Jones.

Oh, one more bit of news (if you can call it that). I'm now journaling my weight loss efforts on a separate blog - The Amazing Shrinking Jennifer. Also that I might write a tidbit here and there on my husband's blog - Rebel Dragon's Lair.

Weigh In - 06 April 10

Ugh. Okay, I sucked with eating for about a day and a half this week. I'd love to blame it on my MIL and the Coconut Merengue Pie she made (from scratch, of course) and the Chocolate birthday cake with the only Buttercream Icing on earth that I like, but I can't. Nobody shoved anything in my mouth.

So, there's that.

Add to that, I was having "tummy issues" (that's as much as I'll elaborate) and was super bloated from it.

Either way, I was up .6 pounds. I really shouldn't get so upset about a measly half pound, but I was. I was ready to fast for a week. I didn't. What in the world are you thinking? Me go without food!?!?! I *heart* food.

The good news is that I've done well since then, and I've made sure to be more active. See, I struggle with exercise. I like the feeling I get, but it's the motivation to start. I'm a lazy bum. I'll admit it. I finally got the motivation to go for a walk/jog yesterday, and Ezra and I headed to the park. This time, we drove, because he wanted to ride his bike. Otherwise, we would've walked (with him in the stroller). I get nervous with him on a bike having to cross a street. We got there, and things started out well until Ezra wanted to play on the playground. I have to admit to being a bit of a helecopter mom with him. I never was before, but he's just an adventurous little soul, and is only recently recognizing real boundaries (not walking into the parking lot from the playground). We agreed to go down a trail after he played, but the weather had other ideas. Stupid rain and thunder.

We will try, try again, today...

Between the Lions

Has anyone ever watched this show? It's not as big as Dora or Diego, but I love it. It's been around for quite a while (well, in kid show years)... I think it's been airing since the late 90s. to be honest, I'm not sure it's still running (new shows, anyway), though I know some PBS stations still carry it.

I have watched more Between the Lions this week (we checked out all of Season 1 from the library) than I ever care to, but I'm still not terribly tired of it. It doesn't seem to talk down to kids, and it even has some small bits of humor for the parents. I will admit that I giggle every time I see Dr. Ruth Westheimer on the show as Dr. Ruth Wordheimer. They also have some adult giggleworthy spots titled "Gawain's World" and "Chicken Jane", which are obvious parodies. Still great.

My husband, however, seems to find way more adult humor in it than I do (the perv! *snicker*), and says it would be even funnier if he were to take up some good drugs. omg. Gotta love him.

Randomness...

Today has been a rough day. Ezra has taught me more patience than the rest of my life experiences, combined. This is a good thing, right?

I've also made things rough on myself. I pigged out the past couple of days. Ah well, water under the bridge now. I'm making it up to myself today.

Oh, but I did find a new site. http://www.payperpost.com. Looks like a great deal. Basically, it's a site that pays you for your posts (DUH!), and you have advertisements on your blog. I'm willing to deal with those if you are. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I didn't give much personal information over (email and blog addresses). They have to make sure this is, indeed, my blog. I have to post this phrase somewhere in my post, "a compass was there to get you thinking". I tried to work it in this post without outing the reason, but I'm just not that creative.

Weigh In - 30 March 2010

Whoops! I almost forgot to post here! The good news is that I lost. The other news (not bad) is that I wish I'd lost more. Don't we all? But the total was 1.4 down last week, making 4 pounds in two weeks.

I have to say that the one great thing about WW is that I have really learned to be patient, and that patience pays off. Not that I couldn't do this without them, but the once a week, disciplined weigh ins really help. Whenever I'd make a go of it by myself, I'd weigh myself every day, and if I saw a slight gain or a stall (because if you stay the same weight for more than a day, it's a stall, right? omg.), I'd fall off track.

Granted, this time around, I seem to be losing a little slower than last time, but it's still not bad. If I lost a pound a week, that puts me at 52 pounds down in a year. Slow? Yes, it is. However, I'd have to say, at the end of the year, I'd still feel much better than at the beginning.

A promised update...

I weighed in last night. 2.4 down in my first week. Not bad. That brings me to 196.6. It also tells me that my scale is pretty much on par with theirs. Mine waivered between 196.6 and 196.4 right before I left (wearing the same clothes I would weigh in wearing).

I will admit that I expected to lose a little more, but really 2.4 is great. The whole line about how this is a marathon, not a sprint... That's what this is, right?

It still feels good just to get back to the meetings. I like the routine.

One thing I have found out, however, is that I don't need an open bag of Kettle brand potato chips (or any other brand, for that matter) sitting in my pantry. I attacked them in the middle of the night. I threw the rest away this morning. My inner cheapskate was screaming at me that I was wasting them, but I didn't want to take the chance of EATING them. And they were free anyway. There's my justification! DING DING!

Anna the Toothless...

Okay, so she's not toothless. Just minus one tooth. My baby girl has hit another milestone. She is very excited, not only because the Tooth Fairy left her a nice little bit of loot (even though she swallowed said tooth when she lost it while eating cereal... WHOOPS! She left the Tooth Fairy a note, and luckily she's a forgiving lady. She got $2.), but also because she can drink her milk at school (with a straw) through the gap. Isn't it great? That kid makes me laugh. Yes, she also makes me a little crazy, but she's a bit dramatic, and that's okay. Life would be boring without soem of those dramatic people in our lives.

Back in the Game...

I signed up for Weight Watchers again last week. My first weigh in was on Tuesday, and I was 199. Ugh. Just a hair less than 12 pounds up from where I left off. No bueno. But, there's no use in worrying about that (though I often moan and groan about it), because it's time for me to kick some butt. I've been eating pretty clean this week, but if I'm to be honest, it's not with the same dedication and fervor as I started out with last year. I need to get that back. I am getting it back slowly, it seems. I still have my issues with eating in the middle of the night, and I just make sure to record it the best I can and go about my day. Hey, I lost over 50 pounds doing that very same thing last year, right? I can do this again. I will do this again.

That makes it so that I have 39 pounds to lose before I'm at my ultimate goal. I might re-evaluate when I get closer. I know that I will be on the upper end of the healthy BMI levels. My lowest weight ever was 169, and I was in a size 8, yet still considered slightly overweight. (The chart says my highest weight should be 164, I think.) I suppose I really shouldn't even worry about that chart either. There are pro athletes who look FABULOUS who are considered overweight and even obese, because of their extreme muscle mass.

There's a slight wrench thrown in this time around. I also have to think about my husband. (Not that I didn't before, of course.) He feels best when he follows a low carb way of eating. My challenge is that I refuse to make two meals a night, but I want it to be satisfying to both of us. Luckily, he's not picky. Sometimes our dinners consist of soups and salads (which are easy to cater to either way of eating...), and sometimes it's something simple like grilled chicken or beef and a veggie. Goodness knows I don't need any grains. I just like them. LOL!

Tomorrow is my next weigh in, and I will come in here to post. Good or bad. Hopefully good. We shall see. :)

Details...

Remember a couple of posts back? I had stated that I was going to reveal something. The something was that I was pregnant. I'm not sure why I didn't ever come back to update, except that I found myself not being terribly keen on talking about it this time. People who saw me regularly knew, if only because it was pretty visible. I'm pretty sure I started showing the second those two pink lines appeared.

Part of me was nervous to tell, which is odd, because I'm generally a pretty open book. Just check out my Facebook. Of course, I realize that everyone on the earth can potentially read my updates, so there's nothing inappropriate. Just a lot of info that some don't care to share with the public.

Well, I had a feeling from early on that this baby wouldn't make it. The same feeling I had the last time. I chalked it up to being wary, since the last one DID end up in a miscarriage. Really, there was no logical reason to believe it wouldn't be normal. Most women have had a miscarriage. I had also given birth to three perfectly healthy children previously. I don't know what it's like to have pregnancy complications.

So, last Sunday, I went to pick up my daughter and two of her friends from the weekly youth group gathering. They live really close to us, so many times, they will take Allison there, and I will bring the friends back. Win/Win. Hank had just walked through the door, and I was walking out, when I felt a gush. Crap. I knew immediately. I sat on the toilet, and knew I wouldn't be holding this little one either. Hank called the girls' dad, and he picked all the girls up, and the next several hours would probably be some of the worst in my life.

I'm not sure what an early miscarriage is like. My last one was at 13 weeks (though the baby only measured at 10 when we had the U/S). This one was at nearly 16 weeks (I got the BabyCenter email the next day telling me I was 16 weeks. Oops.), and I know I was further along. The last one wasn't painful, but this one was. I also had all the same dizziness from the blood loss as last time. Hank was being pulled in different directions, because the little ones were still up, and yet I still needed him by my side. Most of the time, he was next to me. Of course, one of the very few times he left my side, I blacked out. From what Hank tells me, it must've only been for a second. He said he heard me yell something, and then he heard a crash. All I remember is trying to get up from off the bathroom floor, and feeling immediately that my eye was swollen. A few hours after that, I was finally able to get to sleep. (During all of this, I was in contact with my midwife. I had decided that I didn't want her coming. I know my body well enough to know if something out of the ordinary were happening. It wasn't. I also know all the warning signs for infections and all of that. I just wanted to be left alone and to sleep.)

The next day, the girls stayed home, because they just didn't get any sleep. We used that opportunity have Hank take them to get their immunizations updated, since the deadline was approaching fast. (I'll talk about my aggravation with that, later.) Hank rounded up all the kids, and I stayed home and rested. It's amazing what a miscarriage will take out of you. A trip to the bathroom was about as tiring as running a 5K.

The big thing about all of this is being able to see the positive. No, this is nothing to do with my Lenten promise of giving up negativity. It's just that while I tend to be a Debbie Downer many times, the crises are where I really start to look for the positive side of things. It's what gets me through. I believe my babies are at peace in Heaven. Granted, I'm not sure when a person gets a soul. Is it the second the sperm meets the egg? Who knows? I just know that's what my heart tells me. They never had to spend a day in our sin filled world. I'm not sad for them. I do get a little sad when I see baby stuff, but that's being a little sad for me. I'm also reminded of what good friends and family I have. One great friend from WV sent us a boat load of Papa Johns pizza. My children have never met her, but I think she is officially their favorite person right now. I received numerous calls from church. Lots of messages from family. We are loved.

Oh, and remember the fall I took? As silly as it sounds, that part has been the most entertaining of all. I have the biggest black eye. It's a nice shade of purple. The only issue is that it's still swollen, and I have a good bit of purple under my eye. Can't camoflage that with a nice plum shade on the other eye. My oldest told me that it brings out my eye color. Uh, thanks... LOL! It's also made going out in public fun. I haven't done much, since I'm still resting quite a bit, but I did run out this morning while I was kid free (the girls were at school, Ezra was sleeping, and Hank was at home getting ready for work), and I got a few awesome looks from people, though nobody asks. I'm just going to tell them, "If you think this is bad, you should see the other guy!"

Anyway, I'm sure I've rambled on enough. Life is not always easy, but with God, good friends, and family, it sure makes the rough times better.

It sounds so hokey...

...but I'm giving up NEGATIVITY for Lent. Through the amazing power of Facebook, I got the idea through a friend at church, who had posted the idea to another friend (well, my daughter's friend). Initially, I joked that I was going to give up exercise. There's one problem with that. I would've actually had to have been exercising to give it up. I was thinking about sugar. Processed foods. Really, my only real "vices" are food (well, too much food), being a complainer and being lazy. Working on all of these is a goal of every day life. However, I never realized just how hard it is to look upon your day in a positive way all the time. Sure, you have good days. We all do. However, we all have some really crummy days. It's not about being a Pollyanna, but realizing something is unfortunate is one thing. Dwelling on it is another.

For instance, my husband just discovered that our AC/Heating unit outside is making a horrible noise. He checked it out, and it's nothing major, but he can't fix it until he gets home from work. Just a couple of screws loose. (He married me, so he has experience with this sort of thing!) It wasn't noticed yesterday, but yesterday the heat never came on. It was 50something degrees all day. It happened when it was in the 30s. So, we're going to be cold today. It's not ideal, but think about how blessed I am to have to only deal with ONE day of cold. I'm not homeless. I'm not living in some part of the country (or the world) where they are experiencing subzero temperatures. Sometimes we can take these things to realize just how blessed we are.

It's going to snow tomorrow. Really, I want to whine and cry about it, but really? This will be the third snow this winter. We got record snowfall earlier in the month at 12". We don't live in Maryland (where some great friends live) where a measly foot of snow would've been great in comparison. Also, I live in Texas where the weather changes more often than I change my socks. (Hey! When I wear socks, I change them daily! You shush!) It was warm this weekend. I haven't looked at the weather, but I'm sure it will be warm again, soon.

So... Positivity it is. I'm going to be *that* person. I'm sure I won't always succeed, but it's constantly in the back of my mind to be thankful instead of sad.

Maybe I'll also work on that whole "giving up laziness" thing too. What? More surprising things have happened!

As an aside, I looked up the LCMS (Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod) stance on giving up something for Lent. I knew it wasn't a requirement. We are not required to fast either. Just for curiosity. I've been a "Missouri Scented Lutheran" (as my husband would say) for about 6 years. I started attending regularly after my husband and I married, and I was baptized the very same day as both of my daughters (April 25, 2004). I'm still learning. (More than that, I'm a follower of Christ. This denomination seems to be the one I feel makes the most sense theologically, but really, it's all about my walk with my

Excuses, excuses...

Yes... Again, I've been gone for a while. I swear it wasn't because life was too harried, or that I drowned in a vat of Haggen Daaz (sic) Five Coffee ice cream. I swear. I have a really good reason. I just can't tell all of you about it for a couple of weeks. (I know I have so many readers that you're all going to be biting your nails until I reveal, right?)

I've also taken a break from Weight Watchers. I love the lifestyle, but right now I'm good where I'm at. I want to focus more on fitness than the scale, though I did buy a scale, and I'm keeping track. I really just want to stay the same for a while. I'm okay being a size 12. I like me. My husband thinks I'm super sexy, and is there anyone else I'm really trying to impress in that arena?

The big thing is that I'm not constantly worried about my weight or what I'm eating. I foul up sometimes. I might eat way too much junk one day. However, I've really started to get in touch with how I feel afterward, and it's not a good thing. I've learned that feeling good is more important than overloading on junk.

I had started becoming obsessed on weigh in days. It wasn't the fault of Weight Watchers, it was me. I became so focused on seeing a lower number that I was not eating anything those days, and I was even refraining from drinking liquids a few hours before weigh in, with the exception of a strong coffee... That's not good. I'll go back when I'm ready.