Time flies

Last week...

I turned 34.

My baby boy started Kindergarten, and I may or may not have cried. (And forgive the ugly wall. I have promised to strip the ugly wallpaper and paint in the playroom when certain little ones keep it clean without their mother blowing a blood vessel in her forehead... lol)
My middle girl started 1st grade. (I know... It's blurry. She's still pretty cute!)
My oldest girl started HIGH SCHOOL. Yes. High school.
My stepson started his Sophomore year in High School. (Sadly, I do not have a picture of his first day... Such is the life of the modern blended family.)

Oh dear.

But, it's good

Monday Rambles

Okay, so I know I just wrote a "Random" thread just last week. I have another. More because I'm not terribly sure how to talk about yesterday in any other way.

I drove to Houston and back. My butt was tard.

Before I left I had to get my son's birth certificate, which nearly left me certifiable. We do have it. Now I don't have to worry whether or not the server in Austin is up and running.

I got to see family. It's been far too long. I love them all very much.

I was nervous (irrationally so) about the chance of seeing my dad and his wife. I love him, but it would've been too heavy of a visit for me. I'm still not sure how to handle that relationship, if at all.

We went to dinner, and I didn't count calories, points, fat grams, protein, carbs or anything else. I was a big fat pig. It was just chicken, okra and squash. So what if two out of the three of those things were deep fried? I can't remember the last time I at at Goodson's Cafe, and I'm not sure when I'll eat there next.

Our server said that I made her night with my impressions. I'm not sure which impressions I performed, with the exception of imitating my 14.5 year old daughter, but that comes easily, since I used to be a 14.5 year old daughter. Who knows? I'm loud and obnoxious sometimes, so maybe it was mistaken for intentional humor. HA!

There was talk of everyone getting together for Thanksgiving this year. Apparently, the family doesn't get together as much as they used to, when my grandma was alive. That made me smile, and barring death or a nuclear holocaust (or zombies), I'll be there.

I had a nice, cleansing cry on the way home. Before my mom died, and she was going through all the problems with her marriage, she confided in me that Evanescence's "My Immortal" reminded her of the eroding relationship between she and my dad. I haven't heard the song in quite a while (it's a beautiful song I appreciated in it's own right before then, and I hadn't realized that it came out close to 7 years ago). It came on while I was flipping stations. It was probably the first time I listened to it in it's entirety since the suicide. It was a good cry.

I woke up this morning feeling hungover, without the benefit of pulling a boozer the night before. Dang!

As I looked at my oldest, I kept repeating over and over in my head that she was now a high school student. Where did the time go?

Speaking of which, I have to pick up the aforementioned eldest daughter from a Youth Cabinet meeting at our church.

Mental Exhaustion... I Haz it...

Today has been a beating. Some of it is my own doing, some isn't.

I have to get Ezra's final immunizations and I have to get a copy of his birth certificate. Why I didn't go ahead and get his birth certificate when I got Anna's last year, I'll never know. I left the house late. Both places open at 8am, and I didn't get to the Immunization Clinic until 1pm. Stupid. They close at 4pm, and they were already full. Oh, the price of being a procrastinator. I pay it all the time. In the clinic's parking lot, I called the Dallas County Bureau of Vital Statistics. I can't get a birth certificate, either. This was no fault of my own, but aggravating nonetheless. The server is down in Austin, so nobody in the state of Texas can get a birth certificate until the server is up and running.

From there, I call the elementary school. He cannot attend until there is a birth certificate on file. Ugh. However, I can still register him. At least I can do that. Surely, the server will be up before then.

I feel like I wasted half of my day. Instead of moping, I went to Whole Foods on my way home and picked a few things up, and the kids thanked me for the water and raisins. (Yet they didn't thank me for the junk food Happy Meal I let them have when I thought we'd be at the clinic all afternoon... lol)

Then we headed to Cost Plus World Market, because I have been craving Nonfat Sugarfree Iced Almond Lattes for days. I figured it would be a little more cost effective to buy a $7 bottle of SF Almond syrup and make my own, than heading to Saxby's for them. Though, Saxby's is really really good. (Not as good as a friend's place if you're ever in Garland, TX - The Generator, but it's a small bit of a drive for me.) I'm there, and I see a few single beers I'd like to try. I haven't had a beer in a month or so (and none for a few months before that), and it had been a stressful day. I felt especially deserving after I demonstrated a mammoth amount of patience with Ezra, since he decided to through an awesome fit in the middle of the store.

Then I get a call. The caller ID says "Dad". Ugh. Double ugh. See, I haven't talked to my dad in quite a while. I won't go into all of the sordid details, but I ceased contact with him. I love him, but I can't really go there. I let it go to voice mail, but my heart was racing. I'm not sure why I get so worked up. I guess it's a mix of guilt, anxiety and moderate trepidation. When I got in the car, I finally listened to the voice mail, and it was my dad's wife. (It feels really strange to say stepmother. He married her after my mom died [she's the woman my dad was seeing when they were married], so they've been married for less than 6 years. I'm not sure exactly when they married, though.)

When I ran into them the last time I went to my hometown (ran into them? I went to my mom's old house NOT expecting him to be there), I met her. I was cordial, and there was no need in being mean. I wasn't expecting to feel as aggravated as I did at her calling me. Seriously, one part of my mind went all white trash ghetto. "I know this tramp ain't callin' me. Triflin' ho. Couldn't she find a man of her own? Why'd she have to find my mama's husband?" (Yes, I know it's my dad's fault also... Believe me when I say we have our own issues.) It's just a strange situation all around. I have said numerous times that I've forgiven them. However, with all of these lingering feelings, I wonder if I really have. I think I was angry about my dad not calling me himself. If I do decide to start a relationship, it's with him, not her. I don't even know her.

Anyway, that's my day in a nutshell. Oh, it did have one big bright spot. I have wanted a step for working out. I posted about it on Facebook yesterday, and I immediately got a reply that a friend would leave one on her doorstep for me to pick up. Free! I was only looking for a used one. It would be cheaper and I would be environmentally conscious and all that. I'm lookin' out for you, Earth! Okay, I'm just a cheapskate.

I think I'll sit and have a beer and head to bed in a few. I have my husband by my side, and he makes it a lot better. Life is good.

Bribes are the bomb!

As I mentioned earlier, both kids were asleep when it was time to go to the Mom and Me WW meeting. Instead, I went to the next meeting. It wasn't a designated Mom and Me meeting, but I packed the little ones some snacks (apples and cheese) and promised them ice cream if they behaved.
I know. I'm one of those. I bribed my kids to behave. Really, it was just incentive. Reward! Okay, I'm justifying now. However, do you know what? My weight was down a tad AND they were super well behaved.

So, this is how the morning ended up (well, it was 12:30, so it was more like afternoon).


WIN!

FAIL!

Well, *I* woke up in time to go to the Mom and Me WW meeting, but my kids haven't. I've decided not to wake them. Nope, that would not be wise.

I suppose it's naptime for mama, too. :) Maybe the hubster will be home in time for me to head to an evening meeting.

Randomocity

A friend of mine sometimes has the best random blog posts ever. I'm going to rip her off. :)

I'm tard (as in sleepy, folks!). I need to get to sleep soon, so that I can make it to the 9:30am Mom and Me WW Meeting.

I need my hairs cut. The last two times they've not cut the back short enough, and it's cool for a week, but after that it grows out and is all weird. The front rocks, though.

Speaking of hair, I found some L'Oreal Preference Light Auburn in my cabinets. I also had exactly 2oz of developer left. That's all it took to make up my "omg, what color do I color my hair???" dilemma.

I wish Hank could find a job that didn't stress him out. He likes the people he works with, but it's the industry. If the house were paid off, we could just both go work as Walmart greeters. WOOT!

My kids have been cereal free for a couple days now. It's been easier than I thought. Ezra loves oatmeal and Anna loves yogurt and eggs. Another WOOT!

The kids are watching old Looney Toons cartoons. I love it. Maybe I'm getting old, but they really don't make cartoons as awesome as Looney Toons anymore.

I miss Allison. She's out of town with family, so she's in good hands. However, I still miss her.

Speaking of that kid, I'm proud of her. She and another girl organized a whole girls' sleepover at church where they will be doing a Bible study, playing games and talking about boys, dating and sex. They (along with the Youth Director and Intern) even scored a Professional Speaker for the night.

I have issues with feeling as if I look feminine enough. I should get over it. The hubby thinks I'm the bomb, why shouldn't I?

Anna's jacked up bangs are starting to look really cute. (Backstory - she chopped them off. Literally. She didn't want bangs and assumed you just cut them off to get rid of them.)

I love Facebook. I feel as if I get to harmlessly stalk all sorts of friends and family from the past and present.

Finding so many people on Facebook makes it a little heartbreaking when there are a few friends I absolutely cannot find, no matter how hard I search.

Does anyone go to MySpace anymore?

Speaking of social networking, I have found a reason to frequent Twitter. Kanye, how you entertain me, you strange, egotistical and talented man.

My hubby is awesome. He works hard so that I can have a job raising our kids myself. I sometimes get aggravated at having to be their caregiver 24/7, but I wouldn't want the job to go to anyone else, and this time is fleeting. My teenager is a daily reminder.

Speaking of her, wasn't she just learning to walk and talk the other day? Now she's going to be in high school. *gasp*

Your Authentic Self

It sounds so cliche , doesn't it? Something Oprah would speak of. (Isn't that where it originated? I'm not sure. I have to admit, I'm not much of an Oprah fan, though she has tons of admirable qualities, but I digress.)

The point is that I'm really trying to find the "real" me. How do I want to be and live when others aren't around to think about. Part of my personality is that I worry a lot about what others think. I shouldn't, but I do. I keep hearing one friend in my head telling me to "grow some balls" and get over it, and while she can be a brash person, she is a person I greatly admire.

I try to give off a certain image to differing people, and sometimes the conflict. I don't do it intentionally, I suppose; I'm just terribly afraid of people turning their noses up at me. Maybe it comes from growing up poor. I remember feeling less than other friends and schoolmates who had a lot more. I remember a television set that had a pair of tension pliers (is that even what they're called?) attached where the VHF knob used to be. That dates me a little, doesn't it? HA! I remember my parents driving old ugly cars. I remember my dad's drinking and both parents' tempers. All of it made me feel as if I had to put on a facade for others. Maybe that's why I act the way I do, and maybe it isn't. It's pointless to go over the why without actually trying to change it.

It manifests itself when I'm with friends outside of my church and/or faith. I proudly proclaim to be a Christian (and I am, though a pretty flawed one), but feel the need to show them I'm not some judgmental prude. Granted, most of the Christians I know aren't judgmental prudes anyway. I want to be hip, cool and bohemian without suburban mommy friends thinking I'm strange.

I've worked on this some. I mean, I had to. I chose to have two out-of-hospital births with my last two children, and that had some friends and family a little aghast. It was one of those things I felt strongly enough about that while I hated the comments, I dealt with it. Especially as I walked around at nearly 3 weeks past my due date, and random strangers would ask when I was due. You should see the looks when you reply, "A couple weeks ago." So, maybe I fibbed a little to strangers.

Either way, the point is... How do I find out who I am? Maybe I already do, I just need to stop letting my need for acceptance get in the way.

Getting Older...

It's funny. I want to look young. I don't want to look like a teenager or anything, but I want to look a little younger than my actual age (almost 34, for those keeping track). The funny thing about this is that I can't wait to be older. I think older women are simply beautiful. I love silver hair. The softening of a face by a few lines. In most cases, there's a lot of wisdom behind that silver hair and those lines. Though I've colored my hair since the ripe old age of 15, I know that when it is all silver, I will stop. It's not as if I'm in a hurry, because I think we should try and enjoy each stage of life for what it is, but it is also not something I fear in the slightest.

...and how's that for my first blog post in months? I will refrain from promising to post more. I will try, though. :)