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Remember a couple of posts back? I had stated that I was going to reveal something. The something was that I was pregnant. I'm not sure why I didn't ever come back to update, except that I found myself not being terribly keen on talking about it this time. People who saw me regularly knew, if only because it was pretty visible. I'm pretty sure I started showing the second those two pink lines appeared.

Part of me was nervous to tell, which is odd, because I'm generally a pretty open book. Just check out my Facebook. Of course, I realize that everyone on the earth can potentially read my updates, so there's nothing inappropriate. Just a lot of info that some don't care to share with the public.

Well, I had a feeling from early on that this baby wouldn't make it. The same feeling I had the last time. I chalked it up to being wary, since the last one DID end up in a miscarriage. Really, there was no logical reason to believe it wouldn't be normal. Most women have had a miscarriage. I had also given birth to three perfectly healthy children previously. I don't know what it's like to have pregnancy complications.

So, last Sunday, I went to pick up my daughter and two of her friends from the weekly youth group gathering. They live really close to us, so many times, they will take Allison there, and I will bring the friends back. Win/Win. Hank had just walked through the door, and I was walking out, when I felt a gush. Crap. I knew immediately. I sat on the toilet, and knew I wouldn't be holding this little one either. Hank called the girls' dad, and he picked all the girls up, and the next several hours would probably be some of the worst in my life.

I'm not sure what an early miscarriage is like. My last one was at 13 weeks (though the baby only measured at 10 when we had the U/S). This one was at nearly 16 weeks (I got the BabyCenter email the next day telling me I was 16 weeks. Oops.), and I know I was further along. The last one wasn't painful, but this one was. I also had all the same dizziness from the blood loss as last time. Hank was being pulled in different directions, because the little ones were still up, and yet I still needed him by my side. Most of the time, he was next to me. Of course, one of the very few times he left my side, I blacked out. From what Hank tells me, it must've only been for a second. He said he heard me yell something, and then he heard a crash. All I remember is trying to get up from off the bathroom floor, and feeling immediately that my eye was swollen. A few hours after that, I was finally able to get to sleep. (During all of this, I was in contact with my midwife. I had decided that I didn't want her coming. I know my body well enough to know if something out of the ordinary were happening. It wasn't. I also know all the warning signs for infections and all of that. I just wanted to be left alone and to sleep.)

The next day, the girls stayed home, because they just didn't get any sleep. We used that opportunity have Hank take them to get their immunizations updated, since the deadline was approaching fast. (I'll talk about my aggravation with that, later.) Hank rounded up all the kids, and I stayed home and rested. It's amazing what a miscarriage will take out of you. A trip to the bathroom was about as tiring as running a 5K.

The big thing about all of this is being able to see the positive. No, this is nothing to do with my Lenten promise of giving up negativity. It's just that while I tend to be a Debbie Downer many times, the crises are where I really start to look for the positive side of things. It's what gets me through. I believe my babies are at peace in Heaven. Granted, I'm not sure when a person gets a soul. Is it the second the sperm meets the egg? Who knows? I just know that's what my heart tells me. They never had to spend a day in our sin filled world. I'm not sad for them. I do get a little sad when I see baby stuff, but that's being a little sad for me. I'm also reminded of what good friends and family I have. One great friend from WV sent us a boat load of Papa Johns pizza. My children have never met her, but I think she is officially their favorite person right now. I received numerous calls from church. Lots of messages from family. We are loved.

Oh, and remember the fall I took? As silly as it sounds, that part has been the most entertaining of all. I have the biggest black eye. It's a nice shade of purple. The only issue is that it's still swollen, and I have a good bit of purple under my eye. Can't camoflage that with a nice plum shade on the other eye. My oldest told me that it brings out my eye color. Uh, thanks... LOL! It's also made going out in public fun. I haven't done much, since I'm still resting quite a bit, but I did run out this morning while I was kid free (the girls were at school, Ezra was sleeping, and Hank was at home getting ready for work), and I got a few awesome looks from people, though nobody asks. I'm just going to tell them, "If you think this is bad, you should see the other guy!"

Anyway, I'm sure I've rambled on enough. Life is not always easy, but with God, good friends, and family, it sure makes the rough times better.