You've gotta love him.

This kid right here.

Look at that face. Even in this shot where he's being a stinker and sticking his tongue out at me, I'm still very much in love with this rotten little man (just as I am the rest of his siblings).

We got his teacher a small gift for the end of the year. A framed, customized print.

In full disclosure, I bought the digital file from an Etsy seller. I was being super lazy, and I don't yet have a knack for design. It was well worth the few dollars I spent. Anyway, that guy in the picture was super excited to give this to his teacher. I kept reminding him that we would wrap it up nicely and give it to her tomorrow; the day of the class party.

Fast forward to this morning. He empties out his backpack, and since it's the end of the year, I don't question it. He asks for tape, but he's always asking for odd things. When we are ready to leave, this picture is missing from my mantle. "Ezra? Where is the photo?" He replies, "Oh, I have it in my backpack!" I reminded him that we were going to wrap it, and his eyes lit up as he said, "Oh, but I already wrapped it!" I regret not taking a picture of his handiwork. This is one of those "Don't sweat the small stuff" kind of things as a parent (one that I would've previously stressed about), and he was so terribly excited to give this gift with 10 feet of silver wrapping paper loosely attached. "Okay, you can go ahead and give it to her today." 

And I didn't have to wrap it. So, there you go. I love that kid.

Getting back into shape?

Getting into shape. This is something I feel like I've half heartedly tried to do most of my life. At some points, I was pretty successful. I've never been thin or really muscular, but I got to a point where I was working out most every day, and I felt good about myself. I want to be there again, and it's happening, slowly.

So far, at least in my latest endeavor, I've been experimenting with running and keeping my body in ketosis (not to be confused with ketoacidosis, which is dangerous). I've felt better, though I haven't seen any difference in my running. Then again, I'm still more of a walker with aspirations of being a runner. And I've had the cold that won't quit. So, today I went back at it, walking 4.5 miles. There was a little running involved, but running after you inhaled some Afrin really isn't the smartest thing. It helped me breathe (which is amazing), but it also usually makes me feel a little cracked out.

Also, I'm putting this in writing. I'm signing up for a half marathon in September. I'm not alluding myself into thinking I ran run the whole way, but it'll be awesome to complete. If I put it out there, it's gonna happen, right?

Off to stretch and do a little yoga. I'll be back soon.

So, it's been a while. Again.

Why have I not been around? Mostly because I broke my laptop (the jack where the power cord plugs in needed to be replaced). It really wasn't a terrible priority because I was on my tablet or phone, most of the time. The only problem is that I *HATE* typing anything more than a Facebook status or tweet with a phone or tablet. Mostly because I love/hate autocorrect. I love it, because it catches when I hit the wrong letter many times. I hate it, because sometimes it "corrects" said misspelled word into something totally different. That, and I can never seem to be bothered to proofread, which is funny considering that I used to proofread as part of my job.

I have one big update, though I know most people reading this already know about it. I had a baby. He was quite the surprise, because I thought we were too old for all this baby making business. (Not that I'm old, just that our oldest is 19, and the youngest [other than said baby] is 9.)

So, let me introduce you to Jesse David. One of the best surprises to happen to me.

Another bit of news is that the eldest girl is graduating! I promise it was just yesterday that Allison was as small as Jesse. Really. Just because, here is my *GROWN ADULT* daughter. *sob*

Seriously, who gave her permission to grow up and be all smart and beautiful? She'll be headed off to Concordia University - Texas in the fall to begin studies to become a DCE (Director of Christian Education - basically, a youth pastor within the Lutheran church). She's all smart, bossy, and patient with young ones who don't happen to also be her siblings, so I think this will be a great career for her.

The only other possible note is that I'm (AGAIN) on a path to get healthier. I'm trying not to focus on weight, and that's the hard part. I know that if I eat the right foods, in the right quantities, and I get enough exercise, that should be a natural side effect. The main thing is that I'm around for a long time. After all, I will be in my 50s when Mr. Jesse graduates from high school. I need to make sure I am healthy enough to see HIS kids (should he choose to have them) grow up. 

Signing off, and I'll get back in here shortly. Promise. 

Fellowship, The Mouse, and Tasty Power Cords

I've been absent for a bit. I honestly haven't had time. See, church kids are busy during the summer. Crazy busy. Allison has been to more camps than I can count. I only volunteered for one - Glorybound. Glorybound is the huge gathering of all Texas LCMS (Lutheran Church Missouri Synod) youth. They do it every 3 years.

We traveled to Houston, and spent 3 days/4 nights in fellowship, listening to varrious speakers, doing small group studies, listening to some pretty amazing bands, and there was even a magician. We also spent a day doing a mission project. Knowing this, and knowing that I have approximately a bazillion things wrong with my stomach, I chose not to wear anything constricting. Usually, this involves a peasant skirt. Not appropriate for messy labor. Then I remembered that I had some pretty amazing overalls. FYI - even in Texas, you will get funny looks wearing overalls. Ha! Apparently, this made me the subject of many a photo opportunity.

All in all, it was a good experience. Maybe a little (a lot) complaining from teenagers (and *ahem* one particular adult), but much was learned, and lots of fun was had in the end.

We drove from Houston back to DFW on Sunday, and left Monday morning for Orlando. Phew! One lesson learned - Make sure your given name is on your ticket. In the eyes of many a TSA agent, Henry and Hank are not synonymous. Other than that, travel was pretty painless (except for one mom's stress, exhaustion, and immense fear of flying).

The resort was beautiful. I could've stayed there all week, and I would've been a-ok. But we had 4 days worth of Disney tickets.

Instead of describing our time, I will just give you a boatload of pictures and a shot, sweet summary. Lots of fun. Major exhaustion. Walt Disney was a genius. I am simultaneously amazed and freaked out by animatronic characters. And digital puppetry is the neatest thing ever.

Okay, pictures will be at the end. This brings me to another subject. While we were gone, one of our cats decided my laptop's power cord would be a tasty lunch. It's a good thing I love her. (Really, it's her only flaw.) So, I am phone posting for now. This is why I cannot figure out how to place pictures in this post. Well, other than the end.

But, I wanted to blog badly enough, I posted anyway. Okay, and I was bored and interested in seeing how easy it would be to post by phone. There ya go.

So Busy.

I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but still. Busy.

I've been trying to work out, and I'm successful most days. Not today, because I spent 10.5 hours on my feet at the coffee shop. Though, I was reading that a 165lb person could burn 1200 calories working as a barista for 8 hours on a slow day. It was an average (not slow, not super busy) day and *ahem* I may be more than 165 pounds, so I can count that, right?

The kids are either playing Minecraft...

Watching weird Littlest Pet Shop YouTube videos (seriously. Weird.)... But weird, and cute, and not vulgar. Okay, so these girls putting these videos out are pretty creative. I will give them that. Anna has some serious aspirations of making her own LPS movie, too. I love that kid.

When they aren't doing those things, we are usually at the pool...

One kid was off doing mission work in El Paso, and I'm going along with her to Houston (The Woodlands, actually) for the Texas LCMS (Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod) gathering - Glorybound.

Oh, and then when I have decided that I actually have a few spare hours in the day, I sign up to work at the coffeeshop. It's really a cute little place. Once owned by a fabulous friend of mine, she sold it to some other awesome folks. I still think of my aforementioned fabulous friend whenever I go in. She has been through so much, and is so very strong in spite of (maybe because of) it all.

Oh, and in less than two weeks, the entire family gets to go to DisneyWorld! Including my super awesome stepson. His only flaw is being too busy, and living too far away. How dare he!?!?! I love him anyway. Even if I do have to look up to yell at him. Wait. I don't really yell at him. But if I did, I'd have to look up, because he decided to be over 6" tall. Kids, these days.

Hopefully, I'll have lots of pictures after that. We're busy bees this year.

Just Say No.

Say what you must. I realize lots of people LOVE getting their cardio on with an elliptical machine. I have tried for YEARS to like them, but I can't. My knees be damned, I'd rather just run. Actually, my knees still feel pretty great, but I know running isn't kind to them. Whatevs.

Today, I went to the rec center, and got on the elliptical. Worse? I got on an elliptical that had stationary arm thingies. This was REALLY stupid, because there was one with moveable arm thingies (that's the technical terminology) right beside the one I was on. I huffed and puffed for about 10-12 minutes, and then cussed the thing out. Okay, I didn't. Maybe just in my head. I don't think the arms would've made much of a difference.

Then I got on the treadmill. Yup. When we're talking cardio machines, the treadmill is the way to go. (I actually prefer running outside, but Dallas is currently a hell pit when it's not dawn or dark.)

When I went Google Image searching for an evil elliptical machine, I couldn't find one. Apparently, nobody else shares my hatred. And I really stink at anything involving graphics, especially since I only have Paint. Hey, it's handy in a pinch! I'm not sure it really describes the loathing I feel for those things, but it'll do.

Stupid cake.

Why did I eat the cake? I don't make cake (or other baked goods) often. Mostly because I like cooking better than baking (yes, there is a difference), but also because I cannot seem to resist the outcome of my baking.

For the 4th, I had to pick some things up from my local Aldi. They had their red, white and blue cake mixes, sprinkles and frosting half off. I know they're chock full of food color, preservatives, hydrogenated oils and all that. It's really a rare thing when I buy them. But, it was easy, cheap, and I thought the kids would have a good time decorating. And they did. They also had a good time eating it.

We had a good 4th, watching some local fireworks, smoking various dead animals (like real Americans!), and hanging out with good friends. The night drew to a close, and before bed I lost my mind. I ate cake. It's really not all that great. If I were to eat cake, I'd rather it be homemade. Not from a box with weird sprinkles, but it happened. The cramps didn't come right after (like they normally do), mostly because I went to sleep right after the debauchery. But this morning. Ugh. My feet were so swollen that it was uncomfortable to walk, and whatever cramps and gurgling I didn't feel in the pit of my stomach the night before came raging at me this morning. STUPID. As I tell my children, none of us in this house are stupid. But we are sure capable of doing some really stupid things (just like everyone else).

I will leave you with one crappy fireworks picture. I think I swallowed it, because it feels like I have one of those things going off in my gut.

On the upside, I'm listening to Rhiannon. Yes, I'm still on a Fleetwood Mac kick. Especially when I started listening to Concord Music's Fleetwood Mac tribute album coming out next month.

Staying cool...

This summer is brutal. It's not a surprise, as we live in the firepit that is Texas. But we had springtime weather in January, so I'm not going to complain. However, it is too hot to just send the kiddos out all day. Instead of letting them play video games or watch television all day (or pay a meeeeeelion dollars for some summer camp thing), I got them rec center memberships. A month to month is $11/month for each kid. So worth it.

Especially when our rec centers have slides like this...

And kids end up looking like this when we arrive. (Okay, the smiles were totally put on, but only because they were annoyed with me for holding up their pool fun. Impatient little monkeys, they are.)

See the girl child? I have to get her a new bathing suit. I bought that one at the end of last season, and I intentionally bought it too big. Now it's too small. Jeez. And that scrawny (but oh, so handsome) guy next to her? It's hard for me to believe what a behemoth he was at birth (11 1/2 pounds, y'all. GINORMOUS!).

Anyway, that is what we've been up to. And this is what the eldest girl has been up to, apparently. (She is on a mission trip with our church's youth group.)

She cracks me up.

Me. All of me.

I promised a current picture, and here you go.

We will start this from the beginning. Here I am at my highest weight. The picture is really small, but it's all I can find (the old one was taken in 08, and that computer is long gone).

Here I am at my lowest (recent) weight. I was running nearly every day, and I felt fabulous.

Dang, I was looking pretty great. Oh well. I'll get back there, right?

There you go. My journey is starting again.

Getting serious about my health...

I almost titled it "Getting serious about my weight...", but really this should be more about health. If I'm honest, I just want my weight down. I want to be thin. Don't get me wrong, I also want to be healthy, but the allure of looking great in some size 8 jeans is my real motivation.

I posted, last week, that I'd gained a little over 30 pounds. boo. I'm still about 35 pounds BELOW my highest weight, but I don't want to focus on that. I want to focus on getting smaller. Getting healthier. My lowest weight since I had Anna was about 8 months ago, and I was 178.8. Not bad. When I went to the doc, it was 210 exactly. I just weighed a few minutes ago, and it was 208.6.

I've been giving weight loss a half hearted effort, and it's time to stop it. To give it my all. That's why I posted my weight for all of you to see. I will post some pictures tonight or tomorrow. I really don't want to. REALLY DON'T. But, my kids also don't want to clean up after themselves, and I make them do it, because it's good for them (and because I really hate picking up after them, but that's a WHOLE other blog entry). In the end, this will be good for me.

My own little rules...

-No gluten. Celiac disease was ruled out, but I know it isn't helping. Whenever I indulge, my stomach cramps (like right now, because I ate a few stupid cookies in the middle of the night), and I swell all over.

-Limited dairy. The more I read, the more I realize that dairy really isn't great for you. I will still enjoy some really good cheese every now and then, and I will still have a bit of half and half in my coffee, but I'm limiting it.

-1600 calories a day. This may be changed. Haven't decided if I need to lower it or not. I sort of miss the formula with Weight Watchers and their Points system. I would go back, but I'm not a fan of the Points Plus system. I get it, and it's very smart. I just can't be told that fruits and most veggies are zero point foods and be trusted. Nope. I need limits.

-96oz of water a day, minimum.

-If you nibble it, scribble it... If you bite it, write it... LOG EVERYTHING. I realize that some people can just eat more healthfully, but I have to account for it. I could eat 3000 calories per day with only whole proteins, veggies and fruits. Yep. 

I think that's it. I'd make a rule about so many veggie servings per day, but I have no problem with that. I adore all edible plant life.

With the exception of the photo, I've put it all out there. I plan on writing multiple times per week on my triumphs, and more importantly, my missteps.

Sunday Songs...

Today is a pretty music-filled day. It started off with church, and I was set to sing some patriotic songs with an ensemble, having a lengthy solo on one song, in particular.

Let me tell you a secret (okay, it's not really a secret). I never really like church services where we focus on patriotism. I know. I sound so very un-American. I promise, I love my country. I guess it's hard to put in words. Maybe it's that I feel more conflicted. I feel like my pride and respect for the land where I live is completely separate and can't compare to the deep love I have for my Savior. It's not as if they're incompatible, I just don't like it much. But I get over it. We don't come in and worship the flag or treat it as an idol (well, I can't speak for everyone). And when our music director asks me to sing, I oblige. There's not much I wouldn't do for her.

Anyway, the song started to grow on me a little. Admittedly, it grew on me a little more when I started hearing the compliments coming in. I have a pretty good voice. I can carry a tune. I was never the star of my high school choir. I won a few awards, but not many. Some of that was because I always became terribly nervous, and my nerves never failed to help me ruin a decent performance. I also don't read music very well. I fake it pretty well. I say all that to bring home the point that I really feed off compliments. Okay, it's a love/hate. My ego sure enjoys it, but I always have trouble with how to respond. I have finally gotten over the need to say something completely self-deprecating. My usual response now is a simple "Thank you".

I also feel silly talking about getting compliments, because let me tell you, I married into a family with a few really talented singers/musicians. Talented doesn't even describe it. Brother-in-law was a piano and organ prodigy. It's his calling, and he makes a very successful career out of his musical abilities.

So, there's that.

But I came home, and I just had to break out my Fleetwood Mac. Rumours is one of the greatest albums made, with one of the greatest backstories behind it. I didn't appreciate it much as a kid (other than a couple of their 80s hits), but the older I get, the more I fall in love with them as a band.

After listening, I wanted to see if there were any way I could get my hands on the Buckinham Nicks album. It has never been released as a CD and there is no way to (legally) download the album. I don't have a turntable, so there you go. As luck would have it, someone has posted the entire album on YouTube. I remember my mom having this album.

She's since passed, and I'm sure the album has been warped, as many of hers were when they were put in storage years ago (I'm sure she lost thousands of dollars worth of music).

I've been pretty wordy here, but I'll end it with a song that makes me think of my hubby. I love that man. Songbird from Rumours.

See you later. Maybe this will end up being a theme. I like "Sunday Songs". Who knows?

Hey! Look What I Found!

Wow, I had a lot of dust and cobwebs to clear away. And there are some dead pics, I need to fix. Oh well, there's time for that.

I had decided, for a while, to post on The Hubs's (grammar check? anyone?) site, but since it's down, I've come back. It's been nearly 2 years since I posted. Anna was starting first grade, and now we're in the middle of summer before her 3rd grade year. She's no longer one of the little guys in elementary. Ezra will be in 2nd. Then there are the big kids. Oh my word. Allison will be a junior and Devon will graduate this year. Hasn't anyone told them I'm not old enough for this? Teenagers don't listen very well.

I had lost quite a bit of weight, and actually got under 180 for the first time in 9 years. Then I started working. Then I stopped running. Then I stopped counting calories. Then I lived in denial thinking I'd only gained a few pounds. (Denial is a glorious place, you guys. Until you have to come out of it. BOO!) A few turned out to be a little more than 30. Ugh. Double ugh. Also in that time, I've started not feeling well. I'm drained all the time, I have a foggy memory, and I was having some GI issues I'd rather not go into (you're welcome). Family practice doc couldn't find anything wrong with me, so I get to have a GI appointment for my birthday (well, the day after). Until then, I've decided to focus on getting healthy. I haven't started exercising yet (I did go for a run the other day, but I need to do more), but eating has improved greatly. I'm down a few, but I still have a long way to go.

In better news, The Hubs has some really great bosses. The owner of the company gave us a trip to DisneyWorld. We'll go at the end of July, and there will be lots of pictures. Flight, hotel, tickets, and food are all taken care of. It's a supremely stressful job, but I'm glad he's appreciated.

Anyway, that's really all that's going on... Or all that I can recall for now. I think I like being back here. My own little place. Now, I just need to get a little re-design going on, and all will be well. :)

Time flies

Last week...

I turned 34.

My baby boy started Kindergarten, and I may or may not have cried. (And forgive the ugly wall. I have promised to strip the ugly wallpaper and paint in the playroom when certain little ones keep it clean without their mother blowing a blood vessel in her forehead... lol)
My middle girl started 1st grade. (I know... It's blurry. She's still pretty cute!)
My oldest girl started HIGH SCHOOL. Yes. High school.
My stepson started his Sophomore year in High School. (Sadly, I do not have a picture of his first day... Such is the life of the modern blended family.)

Oh dear.

But, it's good

Monday Rambles

Okay, so I know I just wrote a "Random" thread just last week. I have another. More because I'm not terribly sure how to talk about yesterday in any other way.

I drove to Houston and back. My butt was tard.

Before I left I had to get my son's birth certificate, which nearly left me certifiable. We do have it. Now I don't have to worry whether or not the server in Austin is up and running.

I got to see family. It's been far too long. I love them all very much.

I was nervous (irrationally so) about the chance of seeing my dad and his wife. I love him, but it would've been too heavy of a visit for me. I'm still not sure how to handle that relationship, if at all.

We went to dinner, and I didn't count calories, points, fat grams, protein, carbs or anything else. I was a big fat pig. It was just chicken, okra and squash. So what if two out of the three of those things were deep fried? I can't remember the last time I at at Goodson's Cafe, and I'm not sure when I'll eat there next.

Our server said that I made her night with my impressions. I'm not sure which impressions I performed, with the exception of imitating my 14.5 year old daughter, but that comes easily, since I used to be a 14.5 year old daughter. Who knows? I'm loud and obnoxious sometimes, so maybe it was mistaken for intentional humor. HA!

There was talk of everyone getting together for Thanksgiving this year. Apparently, the family doesn't get together as much as they used to, when my grandma was alive. That made me smile, and barring death or a nuclear holocaust (or zombies), I'll be there.

I had a nice, cleansing cry on the way home. Before my mom died, and she was going through all the problems with her marriage, she confided in me that Evanescence's "My Immortal" reminded her of the eroding relationship between she and my dad. I haven't heard the song in quite a while (it's a beautiful song I appreciated in it's own right before then, and I hadn't realized that it came out close to 7 years ago). It came on while I was flipping stations. It was probably the first time I listened to it in it's entirety since the suicide. It was a good cry.

I woke up this morning feeling hungover, without the benefit of pulling a boozer the night before. Dang!

As I looked at my oldest, I kept repeating over and over in my head that she was now a high school student. Where did the time go?

Speaking of which, I have to pick up the aforementioned eldest daughter from a Youth Cabinet meeting at our church.

Mental Exhaustion... I Haz it...

Today has been a beating. Some of it is my own doing, some isn't.

I have to get Ezra's final immunizations and I have to get a copy of his birth certificate. Why I didn't go ahead and get his birth certificate when I got Anna's last year, I'll never know. I left the house late. Both places open at 8am, and I didn't get to the Immunization Clinic until 1pm. Stupid. They close at 4pm, and they were already full. Oh, the price of being a procrastinator. I pay it all the time. In the clinic's parking lot, I called the Dallas County Bureau of Vital Statistics. I can't get a birth certificate, either. This was no fault of my own, but aggravating nonetheless. The server is down in Austin, so nobody in the state of Texas can get a birth certificate until the server is up and running.

From there, I call the elementary school. He cannot attend until there is a birth certificate on file. Ugh. However, I can still register him. At least I can do that. Surely, the server will be up before then.

I feel like I wasted half of my day. Instead of moping, I went to Whole Foods on my way home and picked a few things up, and the kids thanked me for the water and raisins. (Yet they didn't thank me for the junk food Happy Meal I let them have when I thought we'd be at the clinic all afternoon... lol)

Then we headed to Cost Plus World Market, because I have been craving Nonfat Sugarfree Iced Almond Lattes for days. I figured it would be a little more cost effective to buy a $7 bottle of SF Almond syrup and make my own, than heading to Saxby's for them. Though, Saxby's is really really good. (Not as good as a friend's place if you're ever in Garland, TX - The Generator, but it's a small bit of a drive for me.) I'm there, and I see a few single beers I'd like to try. I haven't had a beer in a month or so (and none for a few months before that), and it had been a stressful day. I felt especially deserving after I demonstrated a mammoth amount of patience with Ezra, since he decided to through an awesome fit in the middle of the store.

Then I get a call. The caller ID says "Dad". Ugh. Double ugh. See, I haven't talked to my dad in quite a while. I won't go into all of the sordid details, but I ceased contact with him. I love him, but I can't really go there. I let it go to voice mail, but my heart was racing. I'm not sure why I get so worked up. I guess it's a mix of guilt, anxiety and moderate trepidation. When I got in the car, I finally listened to the voice mail, and it was my dad's wife. (It feels really strange to say stepmother. He married her after my mom died [she's the woman my dad was seeing when they were married], so they've been married for less than 6 years. I'm not sure exactly when they married, though.)

When I ran into them the last time I went to my hometown (ran into them? I went to my mom's old house NOT expecting him to be there), I met her. I was cordial, and there was no need in being mean. I wasn't expecting to feel as aggravated as I did at her calling me. Seriously, one part of my mind went all white trash ghetto. "I know this tramp ain't callin' me. Triflin' ho. Couldn't she find a man of her own? Why'd she have to find my mama's husband?" (Yes, I know it's my dad's fault also... Believe me when I say we have our own issues.) It's just a strange situation all around. I have said numerous times that I've forgiven them. However, with all of these lingering feelings, I wonder if I really have. I think I was angry about my dad not calling me himself. If I do decide to start a relationship, it's with him, not her. I don't even know her.

Anyway, that's my day in a nutshell. Oh, it did have one big bright spot. I have wanted a step for working out. I posted about it on Facebook yesterday, and I immediately got a reply that a friend would leave one on her doorstep for me to pick up. Free! I was only looking for a used one. It would be cheaper and I would be environmentally conscious and all that. I'm lookin' out for you, Earth! Okay, I'm just a cheapskate.

I think I'll sit and have a beer and head to bed in a few. I have my husband by my side, and he makes it a lot better. Life is good.

Bribes are the bomb!

As I mentioned earlier, both kids were asleep when it was time to go to the Mom and Me WW meeting. Instead, I went to the next meeting. It wasn't a designated Mom and Me meeting, but I packed the little ones some snacks (apples and cheese) and promised them ice cream if they behaved.
I know. I'm one of those. I bribed my kids to behave. Really, it was just incentive. Reward! Okay, I'm justifying now. However, do you know what? My weight was down a tad AND they were super well behaved.

So, this is how the morning ended up (well, it was 12:30, so it was more like afternoon).


WIN!

FAIL!

Well, *I* woke up in time to go to the Mom and Me WW meeting, but my kids haven't. I've decided not to wake them. Nope, that would not be wise.

I suppose it's naptime for mama, too. :) Maybe the hubster will be home in time for me to head to an evening meeting.

Randomocity

A friend of mine sometimes has the best random blog posts ever. I'm going to rip her off. :)

I'm tard (as in sleepy, folks!). I need to get to sleep soon, so that I can make it to the 9:30am Mom and Me WW Meeting.

I need my hairs cut. The last two times they've not cut the back short enough, and it's cool for a week, but after that it grows out and is all weird. The front rocks, though.

Speaking of hair, I found some L'Oreal Preference Light Auburn in my cabinets. I also had exactly 2oz of developer left. That's all it took to make up my "omg, what color do I color my hair???" dilemma.

I wish Hank could find a job that didn't stress him out. He likes the people he works with, but it's the industry. If the house were paid off, we could just both go work as Walmart greeters. WOOT!

My kids have been cereal free for a couple days now. It's been easier than I thought. Ezra loves oatmeal and Anna loves yogurt and eggs. Another WOOT!

The kids are watching old Looney Toons cartoons. I love it. Maybe I'm getting old, but they really don't make cartoons as awesome as Looney Toons anymore.

I miss Allison. She's out of town with family, so she's in good hands. However, I still miss her.

Speaking of that kid, I'm proud of her. She and another girl organized a whole girls' sleepover at church where they will be doing a Bible study, playing games and talking about boys, dating and sex. They (along with the Youth Director and Intern) even scored a Professional Speaker for the night.

I have issues with feeling as if I look feminine enough. I should get over it. The hubby thinks I'm the bomb, why shouldn't I?

Anna's jacked up bangs are starting to look really cute. (Backstory - she chopped them off. Literally. She didn't want bangs and assumed you just cut them off to get rid of them.)

I love Facebook. I feel as if I get to harmlessly stalk all sorts of friends and family from the past and present.

Finding so many people on Facebook makes it a little heartbreaking when there are a few friends I absolutely cannot find, no matter how hard I search.

Does anyone go to MySpace anymore?

Speaking of social networking, I have found a reason to frequent Twitter. Kanye, how you entertain me, you strange, egotistical and talented man.

My hubby is awesome. He works hard so that I can have a job raising our kids myself. I sometimes get aggravated at having to be their caregiver 24/7, but I wouldn't want the job to go to anyone else, and this time is fleeting. My teenager is a daily reminder.

Speaking of her, wasn't she just learning to walk and talk the other day? Now she's going to be in high school. *gasp*

Your Authentic Self

It sounds so cliche , doesn't it? Something Oprah would speak of. (Isn't that where it originated? I'm not sure. I have to admit, I'm not much of an Oprah fan, though she has tons of admirable qualities, but I digress.)

The point is that I'm really trying to find the "real" me. How do I want to be and live when others aren't around to think about. Part of my personality is that I worry a lot about what others think. I shouldn't, but I do. I keep hearing one friend in my head telling me to "grow some balls" and get over it, and while she can be a brash person, she is a person I greatly admire.

I try to give off a certain image to differing people, and sometimes the conflict. I don't do it intentionally, I suppose; I'm just terribly afraid of people turning their noses up at me. Maybe it comes from growing up poor. I remember feeling less than other friends and schoolmates who had a lot more. I remember a television set that had a pair of tension pliers (is that even what they're called?) attached where the VHF knob used to be. That dates me a little, doesn't it? HA! I remember my parents driving old ugly cars. I remember my dad's drinking and both parents' tempers. All of it made me feel as if I had to put on a facade for others. Maybe that's why I act the way I do, and maybe it isn't. It's pointless to go over the why without actually trying to change it.

It manifests itself when I'm with friends outside of my church and/or faith. I proudly proclaim to be a Christian (and I am, though a pretty flawed one), but feel the need to show them I'm not some judgmental prude. Granted, most of the Christians I know aren't judgmental prudes anyway. I want to be hip, cool and bohemian without suburban mommy friends thinking I'm strange.

I've worked on this some. I mean, I had to. I chose to have two out-of-hospital births with my last two children, and that had some friends and family a little aghast. It was one of those things I felt strongly enough about that while I hated the comments, I dealt with it. Especially as I walked around at nearly 3 weeks past my due date, and random strangers would ask when I was due. You should see the looks when you reply, "A couple weeks ago." So, maybe I fibbed a little to strangers.

Either way, the point is... How do I find out who I am? Maybe I already do, I just need to stop letting my need for acceptance get in the way.

Getting Older...

It's funny. I want to look young. I don't want to look like a teenager or anything, but I want to look a little younger than my actual age (almost 34, for those keeping track). The funny thing about this is that I can't wait to be older. I think older women are simply beautiful. I love silver hair. The softening of a face by a few lines. In most cases, there's a lot of wisdom behind that silver hair and those lines. Though I've colored my hair since the ripe old age of 15, I know that when it is all silver, I will stop. It's not as if I'm in a hurry, because I think we should try and enjoy each stage of life for what it is, but it is also not something I fear in the slightest.

...and how's that for my first blog post in months? I will refrain from promising to post more. I will try, though. :)