Thoughts on Babies...

I go back and forth between wanting more kids. I know that most people look at me, and I have 4 kids. That's more than the average, and more than most people want. More than I thought I wanted.

But I want more. I don't know if it's the wisest decision, but it's how I feel. I mean, we actually are okay financially this time around... It would be great to actually not freak out about a pregnancy (y'know, rather than seeing that God was actually giving us some great blessings. Sure, they're hard work, but I can't imagine life without those guys)... Part of me wants to have a bit of a do-over, and do more of the things I didn't with my others... Cloth diapering... Nursing longer than I did... Baby wearing... Birthing at home instead of at the birth center (which was still an amazing experience)... I know those last reasons are silly for bringing a life into the world. I would not ever have a child based on those reasons. Part of me looks at my Grandma and her 6 kids. She was the most loved woman ever. I honestly don't know that I ever heard a negative word about her. And she loved her kids, and the 3 that she inherited when she married my Paw Paw (so, make that 9 kids!). They were her kids, not stepkids. And they viewed her as a second mom. She didn't replace theirs (who died), but she also was not *just* a stepmom.

Anyway... I would love to have a crew like that. LOVE it.

BUT... Then I think about the fact that my little ones will be in school soon. And I can help them in school much more without being tied to another little person. I can get a job outside of the home if I want. I can go back to school.

I guess this all sort of came to a head when I was late. Aunt Flo hadn't made her arrival, and while I didn't feel pregnant, I couldn't help but let my mind wander in that direction. I was a little conflicted. Some feelings were pretty shallow... "But I don't wanna be pregnant while I'm fat!!! I can't quit WW!!!" or "I want to get out of this house!!! I can't do that with another one!" Sometimes, however, I would swoon over thinking about a new baby. Another pregnancy. I love being pregnant. And when AF did make her arrival, a little sadness came.

I don't know. I still hold to the notion that if Hank and I actually TRIED to get pregnant we would have issues getting there. Y'know, us... The ones who got pregnant even though we were using a couple of different BC methods when Mr. Ezra came along.

I guess this will be one of those things I'll leave in God's hands for now. (Yeah, I believe it's all in His hands, but I'm just saying we probably won't try too hard to prevent it. Not like we have been anyway.)