Crap.

I had been trying to get my head in a more positive place with the miscarriage. I know it happens to lots of women. It had nothing to do with me. Well, I guess that part doesn't bother me so much. I know my body does great work when it comes to growing babies. I have had three big, beautiful healthy ones.

But I'm trying to tell myself this was for the best. After all, in one year, they will ALL be in school. Look at the freedom I'll have! I'll be able to do so much volunteering for their schools. I'll have some time to do things like workout during the day... Get lots of yard work done... Take some classes... Get a part time job... Doesn't that all sound great?

Then I see things that instantly put me into a funk. Yesterday, I was watching a stupid soap opera (General Hospital), and there was a scene where the husband (Jax) was lovingly putting his hand's on his wife's (Carly) belly. It was so sweet. And it made me jealous. Jealous of a fictitious character.

Lots of women on my local moms' board (DFW Area Moms - GREAT place if you're a mom in the DFW area) are pregnant and having babies. One just gave birth at home, and while I'm ELATED for her, I'm a little melancholy.

I'm not sure if I should just wallow for a bit to get it out, or keep reminding myself of all the positives. Really, I believe this is a tragedy for me and my husband (and possibly my kids, though they haven't expressed very much, which is okay, too) more than for the baby. He/She is in a way better place right now. My sadness is purely selfish. Not that it's a bad thing to be sad, or that I'm wrong or selfish for it. But the fact remains that I'm sad because of what *I* am missing out on.

Anyway, I warned you yesterday there might be some posts like this coming. Just emotional junk I need to get rid of. And I'm thankful I have a place to release all of it.