Five Years Ago...

Five years ago, I lost my mom. It's funny, because I almost forgot about it today. It was summer, and we'd been in Dallas for almost a year, and I'd just had Anna. Hank was out of town driving his truck. (In Houston, where my family is, no less...)

Then I got a call from my cousin telling me that she shot herself. It was odd, because I wasn't surprised. I didn't even cry. It wasn't until it sunk in that I would have to tell Allison that her Nana was gone. How do you tell an 8.5 year old that the Nana that helped raise her was gone? And the situation around it. I never wanted to lie to my kids, even about the big stuff, so I didn't.

I think I was angry a lot afterward. Sure, I missed her, but the anger was the primary emotion. How DARE she do this to my kids. Were my kids not important enough to stick around for??? I know that's not what was going on in her head. I realize that it was probably an impulsive action... She obviously wasn't thinking rationally. She was just looking to end her pain. I get that now. But then, I was even telling myself that she couldn't have done this. I had dreams that she was killed. Someone else killing her, somehow made me feel better than her doing it herself. Now, I just miss her. I feel for what she's missing out on. That little girl she helped raise is a teenager now. She's becoming a beautiful, smart young woman. That baby she only saw a handful of times (Anna was only 8 weeks old when it happened), is now almost in Kindergarten, and she's reading like a champ. She's so smart. And there's a little boy she never got to meet. A little grandson, I'm sure she never knew she wanted, but who would've had her wrapped around his finger.

I'm sorry that life became too overwhelming, Mom. I still love you and I miss you terribly.