Okay, not really. I think "mo money" would be a fabulous thing right now.
I feel so badly for Hank right now. I know he feels like he works his butt off, and everything around us is breaking, and we can't save. We need new brakes for the van, but that's no new thing. He was planning on doing that this weekend. Then, he went to get his oil changed, and noticed there was a bolt in the sidewall of one of his rear tires. They needed to be replaced anyway, but he was hoping to hold off. He went to the tire shop (where he'd had it inspected, and really liked the guy), and they replaced them. Fine, but now the brakes would take a back seat.
Then last night the AC died. He looked, and the fan wasn't turning. He called an AC company, and thankfully, that was less than $200, but still. It's a pain.
Oddly enough, these are the times I'm most positive. Don't get me wrong, it sucks. However, I think I go into "mental survival mode" and start really counting all of my blessings. When I realize that these little things suck, but I'm not in some third world country living in a one room mud hut with my entire family crammed in. They damned sure don't have AC. They damned sure don't have a car, or even a grocery store to walk to. I know that all sounds silly, but it puts things in perspective. Sometimes I think things like this happen almost to knock me off of my high horse of thinking I deserve certain things. I don't deserve a darned thing, materially speaking. It's all bonus. Life is good.
14 June 2010
02 June 2010
Heavy Man... Heavy...
Disclaimer: This is not some funny, witty post about the silly goings on of mine and my family's life. Most of my posts are, and I like it that way. I love my family. However, this is not one of those times.
Six years ago today, my mom committed suicide. My mind tells me that sometimes someone can be so depressed, that they are unable to see beyond their pain. I've been there, at times. My heart feels much differently. I feel like it was the most selfish thing she ever could've done. I want to scream at her. I've had dreams where I've done so. Not even so much for me. More so for my kids. My mom helped me raise my oldest daughter, and they were very close. My youngest daughter was just eight weeks old when she killed herself. (As an aside, I often just say she died. It sounds a lot less violent and messy that way, but the truth is that she didn't simply die. She made a conscious decision not to exist on this earth any longer.) She would never get my youngest son. I am still taken aback when he asks me where my mommy is.
I look through her journals, and regularly contemplate throwing them in the trash. After I pick through all the spelling errors (NERD!!!), I find it quite ironic to see how often she wrote of my Aunt Beverly's suicide. She knew the pain of losing a loved one at their own hand. She would write about how angry she was with her sister. I remember her telling me how awfully selfish it was, many times. She would recall the moment where she, my aunts and uncles relayed the news to my grandma, and how she made the most horrible sound with her cry. That nobody should ever hear something like that. How she couldn't stand to see her mother in so much pain. How a mother shouldn't lose a child, and how she especially shouldn't lose them this way.
By the way, I didn't get to know my Aunt Beverly terribly well, because I only got to see her sporadically. She did live with my grandparents for a while when she was contemplating moving to the town we lived in. She was there through the last half of my pregnancy with Allison, and through quite a few months of Allison's life. She was my oldest's first sitter, and she was especially proud of her little great-niece.
It's funny the emotions this anniversary can bring. To be quite honest, I'd forgotten about today. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was coming, and I have never forgotten that June 2 was the day she ended her life. Never. It's just that, in the hubbub of daily life, I often forget the date. I was simply going about my morning routine... Hoping Ezra would sleep in (FAIL!!! HE DIDN'T!!! ), so that I could catch a small cat nap. However, before I even sat down to sneak a few ZZZs on the sofa, I checked Facebook, and I was quickly reminded.
I wonder when I'll get over being angry with her. I mean, I'm not angry all the time, and thoughts don't consume me. It's just that when I really sit and think about it, I get angry with her. It reminds me that I'm in a special club that I never signed on for. I have two cousins and one second cousin who have lost their mothers to suicide. It's the dirty secret I don't like to speak of. Not so much that I'm ashamed. It's very uncomfortable, to say the least. People don't know what to day, and they want to comfort you.
I'll end this by saying that I do still love my mom. Angry? Yeah. I don't hate her. I still love the other two souls in my family who took their own lives... My Aunt Beverly and my cousin Kim. However, if I don't feel like commemorating the anniversary (or anniversaries), this is why.
Much love, and God bless. I promise to come back here and sporadically post about my silly family life. My wonderful, hectic, silly family life.
Six years ago today, my mom committed suicide. My mind tells me that sometimes someone can be so depressed, that they are unable to see beyond their pain. I've been there, at times. My heart feels much differently. I feel like it was the most selfish thing she ever could've done. I want to scream at her. I've had dreams where I've done so. Not even so much for me. More so for my kids. My mom helped me raise my oldest daughter, and they were very close. My youngest daughter was just eight weeks old when she killed herself. (As an aside, I often just say she died. It sounds a lot less violent and messy that way, but the truth is that she didn't simply die. She made a conscious decision not to exist on this earth any longer.) She would never get my youngest son. I am still taken aback when he asks me where my mommy is.
I look through her journals, and regularly contemplate throwing them in the trash. After I pick through all the spelling errors (NERD!!!), I find it quite ironic to see how often she wrote of my Aunt Beverly's suicide. She knew the pain of losing a loved one at their own hand. She would write about how angry she was with her sister. I remember her telling me how awfully selfish it was, many times. She would recall the moment where she, my aunts and uncles relayed the news to my grandma, and how she made the most horrible sound with her cry. That nobody should ever hear something like that. How she couldn't stand to see her mother in so much pain. How a mother shouldn't lose a child, and how she especially shouldn't lose them this way.
By the way, I didn't get to know my Aunt Beverly terribly well, because I only got to see her sporadically. She did live with my grandparents for a while when she was contemplating moving to the town we lived in. She was there through the last half of my pregnancy with Allison, and through quite a few months of Allison's life. She was my oldest's first sitter, and she was especially proud of her little great-niece.
It's funny the emotions this anniversary can bring. To be quite honest, I'd forgotten about today. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was coming, and I have never forgotten that June 2 was the day she ended her life. Never. It's just that, in the hubbub of daily life, I often forget the date. I was simply going about my morning routine... Hoping Ezra would sleep in (FAIL!!! HE DIDN'T!!! ), so that I could catch a small cat nap. However, before I even sat down to sneak a few ZZZs on the sofa, I checked Facebook, and I was quickly reminded.
I wonder when I'll get over being angry with her. I mean, I'm not angry all the time, and thoughts don't consume me. It's just that when I really sit and think about it, I get angry with her. It reminds me that I'm in a special club that I never signed on for. I have two cousins and one second cousin who have lost their mothers to suicide. It's the dirty secret I don't like to speak of. Not so much that I'm ashamed. It's very uncomfortable, to say the least. People don't know what to day, and they want to comfort you.
I'll end this by saying that I do still love my mom. Angry? Yeah. I don't hate her. I still love the other two souls in my family who took their own lives... My Aunt Beverly and my cousin Kim. However, if I don't feel like commemorating the anniversary (or anniversaries), this is why.
Much love, and God bless. I promise to come back here and sporadically post about my silly family life. My wonderful, hectic, silly family life.
22 April 2010
Our Neighborhood
I love our neighborhood. I live in a town where the West side is much more prosperous than the East side. However, that's not to say the East Side is poor. Sure, there are poor people here, but it's a mix of incomes. We joke that we live in Tha Hood. And sure, in comparison to the other side of the city, it might seem like that.
The fact is that it's older. I think it has a lot of character. Our old downtown area is very interesting to me. Even the suburbs here are cool, in my ever so humble opinion. The crime is higher here than there, but it's okay. We're still pretty low on the crime scale when compared to many other places. I like that my kids go to schools where they are not the obvious majority. I look at Allison's group of friends, and it's such a rainbow, and that's so cool. I grew up in a few areas. In middle school (which was 5th and 6th grade where I was), I was a very clear minority. I don't think I really noticed, other than sometimes the white folks seemed to be looked down upon. I didn't like it that much. Then we moved to a small town near my grandma. It's a great little town, but the Jr. High and HS I attended clearly had a white majority. There were maybe 15% African American students, less Hispanic, and only a smattering of Asian and Middle Eastern kids. There was a lot of racial strife during HS, mostly by some kids claiming to be part of the KKK. I seriously doubt they actually had ties, but the hate was there, nonetheless.
Anyway, my little city is not perfect, but I don't seem to see a ton of racial divide. I like that. I like the mix of economies here. It's not the bohemian downtown life I envisioned, but we have kids. I had to make sure that we had a safe place for our kids to go to school and grow up. We have plenty of time to live that bohemian life when we're empty nesters. This is worth it. And I like it.
I like looking at the old houses and our community, and one thing we do right is that we have great parks and walking trails. I got a chance to really look around yesterday as I was walking.
Anyway, Just some obervances, and me realizing that I really like where we're at.
The fact is that it's older. I think it has a lot of character. Our old downtown area is very interesting to me. Even the suburbs here are cool, in my ever so humble opinion. The crime is higher here than there, but it's okay. We're still pretty low on the crime scale when compared to many other places. I like that my kids go to schools where they are not the obvious majority. I look at Allison's group of friends, and it's such a rainbow, and that's so cool. I grew up in a few areas. In middle school (which was 5th and 6th grade where I was), I was a very clear minority. I don't think I really noticed, other than sometimes the white folks seemed to be looked down upon. I didn't like it that much. Then we moved to a small town near my grandma. It's a great little town, but the Jr. High and HS I attended clearly had a white majority. There were maybe 15% African American students, less Hispanic, and only a smattering of Asian and Middle Eastern kids. There was a lot of racial strife during HS, mostly by some kids claiming to be part of the KKK. I seriously doubt they actually had ties, but the hate was there, nonetheless.
Anyway, my little city is not perfect, but I don't seem to see a ton of racial divide. I like that. I like the mix of economies here. It's not the bohemian downtown life I envisioned, but we have kids. I had to make sure that we had a safe place for our kids to go to school and grow up. We have plenty of time to live that bohemian life when we're empty nesters. This is worth it. And I like it.
I like looking at the old houses and our community, and one thing we do right is that we have great parks and walking trails. I got a chance to really look around yesterday as I was walking.
Anyway, Just some obervances, and me realizing that I really like where we're at.
19 April 2010
Social Time FAIL
Last week, Ezra and I went to a Monday morning playdate held by various moms at our church. It's held at a different mom's house each week. Kids get to play, and moms get to talk to other grown ups. WIN!
I was looking forward to it this morning, however Ezra's immune system had other ideas. Thankfully, it's nothing serious. As a matter of fact, it was mild enough for me to consider going. He just coughed a few times this morning. Then I noticed that he was all sorts of snotty, he was coughing more, and he had an ever so slight fever. Debate over. We're chillin' at home.
I'm happy and irritated at how many times he has asked to go outside to play, but I had to be the mean mom and tell him he had to stay in. I think he's over it now that he's playing Lego Indiana Jones.
Oh, one more bit of news (if you can call it that). I'm now journaling my weight loss efforts on a separate blog - The Amazing Shrinking Jennifer. Also that I might write a tidbit here and there on my husband's blog - Rebel Dragon's Lair.
I was looking forward to it this morning, however Ezra's immune system had other ideas. Thankfully, it's nothing serious. As a matter of fact, it was mild enough for me to consider going. He just coughed a few times this morning. Then I noticed that he was all sorts of snotty, he was coughing more, and he had an ever so slight fever. Debate over. We're chillin' at home.
I'm happy and irritated at how many times he has asked to go outside to play, but I had to be the mean mom and tell him he had to stay in. I think he's over it now that he's playing Lego Indiana Jones.
Oh, one more bit of news (if you can call it that). I'm now journaling my weight loss efforts on a separate blog - The Amazing Shrinking Jennifer. Also that I might write a tidbit here and there on my husband's blog - Rebel Dragon's Lair.
08 April 2010
Weigh In - 06 April 10
Ugh. Okay, I sucked with eating for about a day and a half this week. I'd love to blame it on my MIL and the Coconut Merengue Pie she made (from scratch, of course) and the Chocolate birthday cake with the only Buttercream Icing on earth that I like, but I can't. Nobody shoved anything in my mouth.
So, there's that.
Add to that, I was having "tummy issues" (that's as much as I'll elaborate) and was super bloated from it.
Either way, I was up .6 pounds. I really shouldn't get so upset about a measly half pound, but I was. I was ready to fast for a week. I didn't. What in the world are you thinking? Me go without food!?!?! I *heart* food.
The good news is that I've done well since then, and I've made sure to be more active. See, I struggle with exercise. I like the feeling I get, but it's the motivation to start. I'm a lazy bum. I'll admit it. I finally got the motivation to go for a walk/jog yesterday, and Ezra and I headed to the park. This time, we drove, because he wanted to ride his bike. Otherwise, we would've walked (with him in the stroller). I get nervous with him on a bike having to cross a street. We got there, and things started out well until Ezra wanted to play on the playground. I have to admit to being a bit of a helecopter mom with him. I never was before, but he's just an adventurous little soul, and is only recently recognizing real boundaries (not walking into the parking lot from the playground). We agreed to go down a trail after he played, but the weather had other ideas. Stupid rain and thunder.
We will try, try again, today...
So, there's that.
Add to that, I was having "tummy issues" (that's as much as I'll elaborate) and was super bloated from it.
Either way, I was up .6 pounds. I really shouldn't get so upset about a measly half pound, but I was. I was ready to fast for a week. I didn't. What in the world are you thinking? Me go without food!?!?! I *heart* food.
The good news is that I've done well since then, and I've made sure to be more active. See, I struggle with exercise. I like the feeling I get, but it's the motivation to start. I'm a lazy bum. I'll admit it. I finally got the motivation to go for a walk/jog yesterday, and Ezra and I headed to the park. This time, we drove, because he wanted to ride his bike. Otherwise, we would've walked (with him in the stroller). I get nervous with him on a bike having to cross a street. We got there, and things started out well until Ezra wanted to play on the playground. I have to admit to being a bit of a helecopter mom with him. I never was before, but he's just an adventurous little soul, and is only recently recognizing real boundaries (not walking into the parking lot from the playground). We agreed to go down a trail after he played, but the weather had other ideas. Stupid rain and thunder.
We will try, try again, today...
06 April 2010
Between the Lions
Has anyone ever watched this show? It's not as big as Dora or Diego, but I love it. It's been around for quite a while (well, in kid show years)... I think it's been airing since the late 90s. to be honest, I'm not sure it's still running (new shows, anyway), though I know some PBS stations still carry it.
I have watched more Between the Lions this week (we checked out all of Season 1 from the library) than I ever care to, but I'm still not terribly tired of it. It doesn't seem to talk down to kids, and it even has some small bits of humor for the parents. I will admit that I giggle every time I see Dr. Ruth Westheimer on the show as Dr. Ruth Wordheimer. They also have some adult giggleworthy spots titled "Gawain's World" and "Chicken Jane", which are obvious parodies. Still great.
My husband, however, seems to find way more adult humor in it than I do (the perv! *snicker*), and says it would be even funnier if he were to take up some good drugs. omg. Gotta love him.
05 April 2010
Randomness...
Today has been a rough day. Ezra has taught me more patience than the rest of my life experiences, combined. This is a good thing, right?
I've also made things rough on myself. I pigged out the past couple of days. Ah well, water under the bridge now. I'm making it up to myself today.
Oh, but I did find a new site. http://www.payperpost.com. Looks like a great deal. Basically, it's a site that pays you for your posts (DUH!), and you have advertisements on your blog. I'm willing to deal with those if you are. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I didn't give much personal information over (email and blog addresses). They have to make sure this is, indeed, my blog. I have to post this phrase somewhere in my post, "a compass was there to get you thinking". I tried to work it in this post without outing the reason, but I'm just not that creative.
I've also made things rough on myself. I pigged out the past couple of days. Ah well, water under the bridge now. I'm making it up to myself today.
Oh, but I did find a new site. http://www.payperpost.com. Looks like a great deal. Basically, it's a site that pays you for your posts (DUH!), and you have advertisements on your blog. I'm willing to deal with those if you are. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I didn't give much personal information over (email and blog addresses). They have to make sure this is, indeed, my blog. I have to post this phrase somewhere in my post, "a compass was there to get you thinking". I tried to work it in this post without outing the reason, but I'm just not that creative.
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