Jenn and Her Barrel full of Monkeys

Time flies

2010-08-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

Last week...

I turned 34.

My baby boy started Kindergarten, and I may or may not have cried. (And forgive the ugly wall. I have promised to strip the ugly wallpaper and paint in the playroom when certain little ones keep it clean without their mother blowing a blood vessel in her forehead... lol)
My middle girl started 1st grade. (I know... It's blurry. She's still pretty cute!)
My oldest girl started HIGH SCHOOL. Yes. High school.
My stepson started his Sophomore year in High School. (Sadly, I do not have a picture of his first day... Such is the life of the modern blended family.)

Oh dear.

But, it's good. <3

Monday Rambles

2010-08-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I know I just wrote a "Random" thread just last week. I have another. More because I'm not terribly sure how to talk about yesterday in any other way.

I drove to Houston and back. My butt was tard.

Before I left I had to get my son's birth certificate, which nearly left me certifiable. We do have it. Now I don't have to worry whether or not the server in Austin is up and running.

I got to see family. It's been far too long. I love them all very much.

I was nervous (irrationally so) about the chance of seeing my dad and his wife. I love him, but it would've been too heavy of a visit for me. I'm still not sure how to handle that relationship, if at all.

We went to dinner, and I didn't count calories, points, fat grams, protein, carbs or anything else. I was a big fat pig. It was just chicken, okra and squash. So what if two out of the three of those things were deep fried? I can't remember the last time I at at Goodson's Cafe, and I'm not sure when I'll eat there next.

Our server said that I made her night with my impressions. I'm not sure which impressions I performed, with the exception of imitating my 14.5 year old daughter, but that comes easily, since I used to be a 14.5 year old daughter. Who knows? I'm loud and obnoxious sometimes, so maybe it was mistaken for intentional humor. HA!

There was talk of everyone getting together for Thanksgiving this year. Apparently, the family doesn't get together as much as they used to, when my grandma was alive. That made me smile, and barring death or a nuclear holocaust (or zombies), I'll be there.

I had a nice, cleansing cry on the way home. Before my mom died, and she was going through all the problems with her marriage, she confided in me that Evanescence's "My Immortal" reminded her of the eroding relationship between she and my dad. I haven't heard the song in quite a while (it's a beautiful song I appreciated in it's own right before then, and I hadn't realized that it came out close to 7 years ago). It came on while I was flipping stations. It was probably the first time I listened to it in it's entirety since the suicide. It was a good cry.

I woke up this morning feeling hungover, without the benefit of pulling a boozer the night before. Dang!

As I looked at my oldest, I kept repeating over and over in my head that she was now a high school student. Where did the time go?

Speaking of which, I have to pick up the aforementioned eldest daughter from a Youth Cabinet meeting at our church.

Mental Exhaustion... I Haz it...

2010-08-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

Today has been a beating. Some of it is my own doing, some isn't.

I have to get Ezra's final immunizations and I have to get a copy of his birth certificate. Why I didn't go ahead and get his birth certificate when I got Anna's last year, I'll never know. I left the house late. Both places open at 8am, and I didn't get to the Immunization Clinic until 1pm. Stupid. They close at 4pm, and they were already full. Oh, the price of being a procrastinator. I pay it all the time. In the clinic's parking lot, I called the Dallas County Bureau of Vital Statistics. I can't get a birth certificate, either. This was no fault of my own, but aggravating nonetheless. The server is down in Austin, so nobody in the state of Texas can get a birth certificate until the server is up and running.

From there, I call the elementary school. He cannot attend until there is a birth certificate on file. Ugh. However, I can still register him. At least I can do that. Surely, the server will be up before then.

I feel like I wasted half of my day. Instead of moping, I went to Whole Foods on my way home and picked a few things up, and the kids thanked me for the water and raisins. (Yet they didn't thank me for the junk food Happy Meal I let them have when I thought we'd be at the clinic all afternoon... lol)

Then we headed to Cost Plus World Market, because I have been craving Nonfat Sugarfree Iced Almond Lattes for days. I figured it would be a little more cost effective to buy a $7 bottle of SF Almond syrup and make my own, than heading to Saxby's for them. Though, Saxby's is really really good. (Not as good as a friend's place if you're ever in Garland, TX - The Generator, but it's a small bit of a drive for me.) I'm there, and I see a few single beers I'd like to try. I haven't had a beer in a month or so (and none for a few months before that), and it had been a stressful day. I felt especially deserving after I demonstrated a mammoth amount of patience with Ezra, since he decided to through an awesome fit in the middle of the store.

Then I get a call. The caller ID says "Dad". Ugh. Double ugh. See, I haven't talked to my dad in quite a while. I won't go into all of the sordid details, but I ceased contact with him. I love him, but I can't really go there. I let it go to voice mail, but my heart was racing. I'm not sure why I get so worked up. I guess it's a mix of guilt, anxiety and moderate trepidation. When I got in the car, I finally listened to the voice mail, and it was my dad's wife. (It feels really strange to say stepmother. He married her after my mom died [she's the woman my dad was seeing when they were married], so they've been married for less than 6 years. I'm not sure exactly when they married, though.)

When I ran into them the last time I went to my hometown (ran into them? I went to my mom's old house NOT expecting him to be there), I met her. I was cordial, and there was no need in being mean. I wasn't expecting to feel as aggravated as I did at her calling me. Seriously, one part of my mind went all white trash ghetto. "I know this tramp ain't callin' me. Triflin' ho. Couldn't she find a man of her own? Why'd she have to find my mama's husband?" (Yes, I know it's my dad's fault also... Believe me when I say we have our own issues.) It's just a strange situation all around. I have said numerous times that I've forgiven them. However, with all of these lingering feelings, I wonder if I really have. I think I was angry about my dad not calling me himself. If I do decide to start a relationship, it's with him, not her. I don't even know her.

Anyway, that's my day in a nutshell. Oh, it did have one big bright spot. I have wanted a step for working out. I posted about it on Facebook yesterday, and I immediately got a reply that a friend would leave one on her doorstep for me to pick up. Free! I was only looking for a used one. It would be cheaper and I would be environmentally conscious and all that. I'm lookin' out for you, Earth! Okay, I'm just a cheapskate.

I think I'll sit and have a beer and head to bed in a few. I have my husband by my side, and he makes it a lot better. Life is good.

Bribes are the bomb!

2010-08-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned earlier, both kids were asleep when it was time to go to the Mom and Me WW meeting. Instead, I went to the next meeting. It wasn't a designated Mom and Me meeting, but I packed the little ones some snacks (apples and cheese) and promised them ice cream if they behaved.
I know. I'm one of those. I bribed my kids to behave. Really, it was just incentive. Reward! Okay, I'm justifying now. However, do you know what? My weight was down a tad AND they were super well behaved.

So, this is how the morning ended up (well, it was 12:30, so it was more like afternoon).

WIN!

FAIL!

2010-08-11T07:16:00.001-07:00

Well, *I* woke up in time to go to the Mom and Me WW meeting, but my kids haven't. I've decided not to wake them. Nope, that would not be wise.

I suppose it's naptime for mama, too. :) Maybe the hubster will be home in time for me to head to an evening meeting.

Randomocity

2010-08-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sometimes has the best random blog posts ever. I'm going to rip her off. :)

I'm tard (as in sleepy, folks!). I need to get to sleep soon, so that I can make it to the 9:30am Mom and Me WW Meeting.

I need my hairs cut. The last two times they've not cut the back short enough, and it's cool for a week, but after that it grows out and is all weird. The front rocks, though.

Speaking of hair, I found some L'Oreal Preference Light Auburn in my cabinets. I also had exactly 2oz of developer left. That's all it took to make up my "omg, what color do I color my hair???" dilemma.

I wish Hank could find a job that didn't stress him out. He likes the people he works with, but it's the industry. If the house were paid off, we could just both go work as Walmart greeters. WOOT!

My kids have been cereal free for a couple days now. It's been easier than I thought. Ezra loves oatmeal and Anna loves yogurt and eggs. Another WOOT!

The kids are watching old Looney Toons cartoons. I love it. Maybe I'm getting old, but they really don't make cartoons as awesome as Looney Toons anymore.

I miss Allison. She's out of town with family, so she's in good hands. However, I still miss her.

Speaking of that kid, I'm proud of her. She and another girl organized a whole girls' sleepover at church where they will be doing a Bible study, playing games and talking about boys, dating and sex. They (along with the Youth Director and Intern) even scored a Professional Speaker for the night.

I have issues with feeling as if I look feminine enough. I should get over it. The hubby thinks I'm the bomb, why shouldn't I?

Anna's jacked up bangs are starting to look really cute. (Backstory - she chopped them off. Literally. She didn't want bangs and assumed you just cut them off to get rid of them.)

I love Facebook. I feel as if I get to harmlessly stalk all sorts of friends and family from the past and present.

Finding so many people on Facebook makes it a little heartbreaking when there are a few friends I absolutely cannot find, no matter how hard I search.

Does anyone go to MySpace anymore?

Speaking of social networking, I have found a reason to frequent Twitter. Kanye, how you entertain me, you strange, egotistical and talented man.

My hubby is awesome. He works hard so that I can have a job raising our kids myself. I sometimes get aggravated at having to be their caregiver 24/7, but I wouldn't want the job to go to anyone else, and this time is fleeting. My teenager is a daily reminder.

Speaking of her, wasn't she just learning to walk and talk the other day? Now she's going to be in high school. *gasp*

Your Authentic Self

2010-08-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

It sounds so cliche , doesn't it? Something Oprah would speak of. (Isn't that where it originated? I'm not sure. I have to admit, I'm not much of an Oprah fan, though she has tons of admirable qualities, but I digress.)

The point is that I'm really trying to find the "real" me. How do I want to be and live when others aren't around to think about. Part of my personality is that I worry a lot about what others think. I shouldn't, but I do. I keep hearing one friend in my head telling me to "grow some balls" and get over it, and while she can be a brash person, she is a person I greatly admire.

I try to give off a certain image to differing people, and sometimes the conflict. I don't do it intentionally, I suppose; I'm just terribly afraid of people turning their noses up at me. Maybe it comes from growing up poor. I remember feeling less than other friends and schoolmates who had a lot more. I remember a television set that had a pair of tension pliers (is that even what they're called?) attached where the VHF knob used to be. That dates me a little, doesn't it? HA! I remember my parents driving old ugly cars. I remember my dad's drinking and both parents' tempers. All of it made me feel as if I had to put on a facade for others. Maybe that's why I act the way I do, and maybe it isn't. It's pointless to go over the why without actually trying to change it.

It manifests itself when I'm with friends outside of my church and/or faith. I proudly proclaim to be a Christian (and I am, though a pretty flawed one), but feel the need to show them I'm not some judgmental prude. Granted, most of the Christians I know aren't judgmental prudes anyway. I want to be hip, cool and bohemian without suburban mommy friends thinking I'm strange.

I've worked on this some. I mean, I had to. I chose to have two out-of-hospital births with my last two children, and that had some friends and family a little aghast. It was one of those things I felt strongly enough about that while I hated the comments, I dealt with it. Especially as I walked around at nearly 3 weeks past my due date, and random strangers would ask when I was due. You should see the looks when you reply, "A couple weeks ago." So, maybe I fibbed a little to strangers.

Either way, the point is... How do I find out who I am? Maybe I already do, I just need to stop letting my need for acceptance get in the way.

Getting Older...

2010-08-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's funny. I want to look young. I don't want to look like a teenager or anything, but I want to look a little younger than my actual age (almost 34, for those keeping track). The funny thing about this is that I can't wait to be older. I think older women are simply beautiful. I love silver hair. The softening of a face by a few lines. In most cases, there's a lot of wisdom behind that silver hair and those lines. Though I've colored my hair since the ripe old age of 15, I know that when it is all silver, I will stop. It's not as if I'm in a hurry, because I think we should try and enjoy each stage of life for what it is, but it is also not something I fear in the slightest.

...and how's that for my first blog post in months? I will refrain from promising to post more. I will try, though. :)

Mo Money Mo Problems...

2010-06-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, not really. I think "mo money" would be a fabulous thing right now.

I feel so badly for Hank right now. I know he feels like he works his butt off, and everything around us is breaking, and we can't save. We need new brakes for the van, but that's no new thing. He was planning on doing that this weekend. Then, he went to get his oil changed, and noticed there was a bolt in the sidewall of one of his rear tires. They needed to be replaced anyway, but he was hoping to hold off. He went to the tire shop (where he'd had it inspected, and really liked the guy), and they replaced them. Fine, but now the brakes would take a back seat.

Then last night the AC died. He looked, and the fan wasn't turning. He called an AC company, and thankfully, that was less than $200, but still. It's a pain.

Oddly enough, these are the times I'm most positive. Don't get me wrong, it sucks. However, I think I go into "mental survival mode" and start really counting all of my blessings. When I realize that these little things suck, but I'm not in some third world country living in a one room mud hut with my entire family crammed in. They damned sure don't have AC. They damned sure don't have a car, or even a grocery store to walk to. I know that all sounds silly, but it puts things in perspective. Sometimes I think things like this happen almost to knock me off of my high horse of thinking I deserve certain things. I don't deserve a darned thing, materially speaking. It's all bonus. Life is good.

Heavy Man... Heavy...

2010-06-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This is not some funny, witty post about the silly goings on of mine and my family's life. Most of my posts are, and I like it that way. I love my family. However, this is not one of those times.

Six years ago today, my mom committed suicide. My mind tells me that sometimes someone can be so depressed, that they are unable to see beyond their pain. I've been there, at times. My heart feels much differently. I feel like it was the most selfish thing she ever could've done. I want to scream at her. I've had dreams where I've done so. Not even so much for me. More so for my kids. My mom helped me raise my oldest daughter, and they were very close. My youngest daughter was just eight weeks old when she killed herself. (As an aside, I often just say she died. It sounds a lot less violent and messy that way, but the truth is that she didn't simply die. She made a conscious decision not to exist on this earth any longer.) She would never get my youngest son. I am still taken aback when he asks me where my mommy is.

I look through her journals, and regularly contemplate throwing them in the trash. After I pick through all the spelling errors (NERD!!!), I find it quite ironic to see how often she wrote of my Aunt Beverly's suicide. She knew the pain of losing a loved one at their own hand. She would write about how angry she was with her sister. I remember her telling me how awfully selfish it was, many times. She would recall the moment where she, my aunts and uncles relayed the news to my grandma, and how she made the most horrible sound with her cry. That nobody should ever hear something like that. How she couldn't stand to see her mother in so much pain. How a mother shouldn't lose a child, and how she especially shouldn't lose them this way.

By the way, I didn't get to know my Aunt Beverly terribly well, because I only got to see her sporadically. She did live with my grandparents for a while when she was contemplating moving to the town we lived in. She was there through the last half of my pregnancy with Allison, and through quite a few months of Allison's life. She was my oldest's first sitter, and she was especially proud of her little great-niece.

It's funny the emotions this anniversary can bring. To be quite honest, I'd forgotten about today. Don't get me wrong, I knew it was coming, and I have never forgotten that June 2 was the day she ended her life. Never. It's just that, in the hubbub of daily life, I often forget the date. I was simply going about my morning routine... Hoping Ezra would sleep in (FAIL!!! HE DIDN'T!!! ), so that I could catch a small cat nap. However, before I even sat down to sneak a few ZZZs on the sofa, I checked Facebook, and I was quickly reminded.

I wonder when I'll get over being angry with her. I mean, I'm not angry all the time, and thoughts don't consume me. It's just that when I really sit and think about it, I get angry with her. It reminds me that I'm in a special club that I never signed on for. I have two cousins and one second cousin who have lost their mothers to suicide. It's the dirty secret I don't like to speak of. Not so much that I'm ashamed. It's very uncomfortable, to say the least. People don't know what to day, and they want to comfort you.

I'll end this by saying that I do still love my mom. Angry? Yeah. I don't hate her. I still love the other two souls in my family who took their own lives... My Aunt Beverly and my cousin Kim. However, if I don't feel like commemorating the anniversary (or anniversaries), this is why.

Much love, and God bless. I promise to come back here and sporadically post about my silly family life. My wonderful, hectic, silly family life.

Our Neighborhood

2010-04-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

I love our neighborhood. I live in a town where the West side is much more prosperous than the East side. However, that's not to say the East Side is poor. Sure, there are poor people here, but it's a mix of incomes. We joke that we live in Tha Hood. And sure, in comparison to the other side of the city, it might seem like that.

The fact is that it's older. I think it has a lot of character. Our old downtown area is very interesting to me. Even the suburbs here are cool, in my ever so humble opinion. The crime is higher here than there, but it's okay. We're still pretty low on the crime scale when compared to many other places. I like that my kids go to schools where they are not the obvious majority. I look at Allison's group of friends, and it's such a rainbow, and that's so cool. I grew up in a few areas. In middle school (which was 5th and 6th grade where I was), I was a very clear minority. I don't think I really noticed, other than sometimes the white folks seemed to be looked down upon. I didn't like it that much. Then we moved to a small town near my grandma. It's a great little town, but the Jr. High and HS I attended clearly had a white majority. There were maybe 15% African American students, less Hispanic, and only a smattering of Asian and Middle Eastern kids. There was a lot of racial strife during HS, mostly by some kids claiming to be part of the KKK. I seriously doubt they actually had ties, but the hate was there, nonetheless.

Anyway, my little city is not perfect, but I don't seem to see a ton of racial divide. I like that. I like the mix of economies here. It's not the bohemian downtown life I envisioned, but we have kids. I had to make sure that we had a safe place for our kids to go to school and grow up. We have plenty of time to live that bohemian life when we're empty nesters. This is worth it. And I like it.

I like looking at the old houses and our community, and one thing we do right is that we have great parks and walking trails. I got a chance to really look around yesterday as I was walking.

Anyway, Just some obervances, and me realizing that I really like where we're at.

Social Time FAIL

2010-04-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

Last week, Ezra and I went to a Monday morning playdate held by various moms at our church. It's held at a different mom's house each week. Kids get to play, and moms get to talk to other grown ups. WIN!

I was looking forward to it this morning, however Ezra's immune system had other ideas. Thankfully, it's nothing serious. As a matter of fact, it was mild enough for me to consider going. He just coughed a few times this morning. Then I noticed that he was all sorts of snotty, he was coughing more, and he had an ever so slight fever. Debate over. We're chillin' at home.

I'm happy and irritated at how many times he has asked to go outside to play, but I had to be the mean mom and tell him he had to stay in. I think he's over it now that he's playing Lego Indiana Jones.

Oh, one more bit of news (if you can call it that). I'm now journaling my weight loss efforts on a separate blog - The Amazing Shrinking Jennifer. Also that I might write a tidbit here and there on my husband's blog - Rebel Dragon's Lair.

Weigh In - 06 April 10

2010-04-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Okay, I sucked with eating for about a day and a half this week. I'd love to blame it on my MIL and the Coconut Merengue Pie she made (from scratch, of course) and the Chocolate birthday cake with the only Buttercream Icing on earth that I like, but I can't. Nobody shoved anything in my mouth.

So, there's that.

Add to that, I was having "tummy issues" (that's as much as I'll elaborate) and was super bloated from it.

Either way, I was up .6 pounds. I really shouldn't get so upset about a measly half pound, but I was. I was ready to fast for a week. I didn't. What in the world are you thinking? Me go without food!?!?! I *heart* food.

The good news is that I've done well since then, and I've made sure to be more active. See, I struggle with exercise. I like the feeling I get, but it's the motivation to start. I'm a lazy bum. I'll admit it. I finally got the motivation to go for a walk/jog yesterday, and Ezra and I headed to the park. This time, we drove, because he wanted to ride his bike. Otherwise, we would've walked (with him in the stroller). I get nervous with him on a bike having to cross a street. We got there, and things started out well until Ezra wanted to play on the playground. I have to admit to being a bit of a helecopter mom with him. I never was before, but he's just an adventurous little soul, and is only recently recognizing real boundaries (not walking into the parking lot from the playground). We agreed to go down a trail after he played, but the weather had other ideas. Stupid rain and thunder.

We will try, try again, today...

Between the Lions

2010-04-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever watched this show? It's not as big as Dora or Diego, but I love it. It's been around for quite a while (well, in kid show years)... I think it's been airing since the late 90s. to be honest, I'm not sure it's still running (new shows, anyway), though I know some PBS stations still carry it.

I have watched more Between the Lions this week (we checked out all of Season 1 from the library) than I ever care to, but I'm still not terribly tired of it. It doesn't seem to talk down to kids, and it even has some small bits of humor for the parents. I will admit that I giggle every time I see Dr. Ruth Westheimer on the show as Dr. Ruth Wordheimer. They also have some adult giggleworthy spots titled "Gawain's World" and "Chicken Jane", which are obvious parodies. Still great.

My husband, however, seems to find way more adult humor in it than I do (the perv! *snicker*), and says it would be even funnier if he were to take up some good drugs. omg. Gotta love him.

Randomness...

2010-04-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

Today has been a rough day. Ezra has taught me more patience than the rest of my life experiences, combined. This is a good thing, right?

I've also made things rough on myself. I pigged out the past couple of days. Ah well, water under the bridge now. I'm making it up to myself today.

Oh, but I did find a new site. http://www.payperpost.com. Looks like a great deal. Basically, it's a site that pays you for your posts (DUH!), and you have advertisements on your blog. I'm willing to deal with those if you are. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I didn't give much personal information over (email and blog addresses). They have to make sure this is, indeed, my blog. I have to post this phrase somewhere in my post, "a compass was there to get you thinking". I tried to work it in this post without outing the reason, but I'm just not that creative.

Weigh In - 30 March 2010

2010-04-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

Whoops! I almost forgot to post here! The good news is that I lost. The other news (not bad) is that I wish I'd lost more. Don't we all? But the total was 1.4 down last week, making 4 pounds in two weeks.

I have to say that the one great thing about WW is that I have really learned to be patient, and that patience pays off. Not that I couldn't do this without them, but the once a week, disciplined weigh ins really help. Whenever I'd make a go of it by myself, I'd weigh myself every day, and if I saw a slight gain or a stall (because if you stay the same weight for more than a day, it's a stall, right? omg.), I'd fall off track.

Granted, this time around, I seem to be losing a little slower than last time, but it's still not bad. If I lost a pound a week, that puts me at 52 pounds down in a year. Slow? Yes, it is. However, I'd have to say, at the end of the year, I'd still feel much better than at the beginning.

A promised update...

2010-03-24T07:02:00.001-07:00

I weighed in last night. 2.4 down in my first week. Not bad. That brings me to 196.6. It also tells me that my scale is pretty much on par with theirs. Mine waivered between 196.6 and 196.4 right before I left (wearing the same clothes I would weigh in wearing).

I will admit that I expected to lose a little more, but really 2.4 is great. The whole line about how this is a marathon, not a sprint... That's what this is, right?

It still feels good just to get back to the meetings. I like the routine.

One thing I have found out, however, is that I don't need an open bag of Kettle brand potato chips (or any other brand, for that matter) sitting in my pantry. I attacked them in the middle of the night. I threw the rest away this morning. My inner cheapskate was screaming at me that I was wasting them, but I didn't want to take the chance of EATING them. And they were free anyway. There's my justification! DING DING!

Anna the Toothless...

2010-03-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so she's not toothless. Just minus one tooth. My baby girl has hit another milestone. She is very excited, not only because the Tooth Fairy left her a nice little bit of loot (even though she swallowed said tooth when she lost it while eating cereal... WHOOPS! She left the Tooth Fairy a note, and luckily she's a forgiving lady. She got $2.), but also because she can drink her milk at school (with a straw) through the gap. Isn't it great? That kid makes me laugh. Yes, she also makes me a little crazy, but she's a bit dramatic, and that's okay. Life would be boring without soem of those dramatic people in our lives.

Back in the Game...

2010-03-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

I signed up for Weight Watchers again last week. My first weigh in was on Tuesday, and I was 199. Ugh. Just a hair less than 12 pounds up from where I left off. No bueno. But, there's no use in worrying about that (though I often moan and groan about it), because it's time for me to kick some butt. I've been eating pretty clean this week, but if I'm to be honest, it's not with the same dedication and fervor as I started out with last year. I need to get that back. I am getting it back slowly, it seems. I still have my issues with eating in the middle of the night, and I just make sure to record it the best I can and go about my day. Hey, I lost over 50 pounds doing that very same thing last year, right? I can do this again. I will do this again.

That makes it so that I have 39 pounds to lose before I'm at my ultimate goal. I might re-evaluate when I get closer. I know that I will be on the upper end of the healthy BMI levels. My lowest weight ever was 169, and I was in a size 8, yet still considered slightly overweight. (The chart says my highest weight should be 164, I think.) I suppose I really shouldn't even worry about that chart either. There are pro athletes who look FABULOUS who are considered overweight and even obese, because of their extreme muscle mass.

There's a slight wrench thrown in this time around. I also have to think about my husband. (Not that I didn't before, of course.) He feels best when he follows a low carb way of eating. My challenge is that I refuse to make two meals a night, but I want it to be satisfying to both of us. Luckily, he's not picky. Sometimes our dinners consist of soups and salads (which are easy to cater to either way of eating...), and sometimes it's something simple like grilled chicken or beef and a veggie. Goodness knows I don't need any grains. I just like them. LOL!

Tomorrow is my next weigh in, and I will come in here to post. Good or bad. Hopefully good. We shall see. :)

Details...

2010-03-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

Remember a couple of posts back? I had stated that I was going to reveal something. The something was that I was pregnant. I'm not sure why I didn't ever come back to update, except that I found myself not being terribly keen on talking about it this time. People who saw me regularly knew, if only because it was pretty visible. I'm pretty sure I started showing the second those two pink lines appeared.

Part of me was nervous to tell, which is odd, because I'm generally a pretty open book. Just check out my Facebook. Of course, I realize that everyone on the earth can potentially read my updates, so there's nothing inappropriate. Just a lot of info that some don't care to share with the public.

Well, I had a feeling from early on that this baby wouldn't make it. The same feeling I had the last time. I chalked it up to being wary, since the last one DID end up in a miscarriage. Really, there was no logical reason to believe it wouldn't be normal. Most women have had a miscarriage. I had also given birth to three perfectly healthy children previously. I don't know what it's like to have pregnancy complications.

So, last Sunday, I went to pick up my daughter and two of her friends from the weekly youth group gathering. They live really close to us, so many times, they will take Allison there, and I will bring the friends back. Win/Win. Hank had just walked through the door, and I was walking out, when I felt a gush. Crap. I knew immediately. I sat on the toilet, and knew I wouldn't be holding this little one either. Hank called the girls' dad, and he picked all the girls up, and the next several hours would probably be some of the worst in my life.

I'm not sure what an early miscarriage is like. My last one was at 13 weeks (though the baby only measured at 10 when we had the U/S). This one was at nearly 16 weeks (I got the BabyCenter email the next day telling me I was 16 weeks. Oops.), and I know I was further along. The last one wasn't painful, but this one was. I also had all the same dizziness from the blood loss as last time. Hank was being pulled in different directions, because the little ones were still up, and yet I still needed him by my side. Most of the time, he was next to me. Of course, one of the very few times he left my side, I blacked out. From what Hank tells me, it must've only been for a second. He said he heard me yell something, and then he heard a crash. All I remember is trying to get up from off the bathroom floor, and feeling immediately that my eye was swollen. A few hours after that, I was finally able to get to sleep. (During all of this, I was in contact with my midwife. I had decided that I didn't want her coming. I know my body well enough to know if something out of the ordinary were happening. It wasn't. I also know all the warning signs for infections and all of that. I just wanted to be left alone and to sleep.)

The next day, the girls stayed home, because they just didn't get any sleep. We used that opportunity have Hank take them to get their immunizations updated, since the deadline was approaching fast. (I'll talk about my aggravation with that, later.) Hank rounded up all the kids, and I stayed home and rested. It's amazing what a miscarriage will take out of you. A trip to the bathroom was about as tiring as running a 5K.

The big thing about all of this is being able to see the positive. No, this is nothing to do with my Lenten promise of giving up negativity. It's just that while I tend to be a Debbie Downer many times, the crises are where I really start to look for the positive side of things. It's what gets me through. I believe my babies are at peace in Heaven. Granted, I'm not sure when a person gets a soul. Is it the second the sperm meets the egg? Who knows? I just know that's what my heart tells me. They never had to spend a day in our sin filled world. I'm not sad for them. I do get a little sad when I see baby stuff, but that's being a little sad for me. I'm also reminded of what good friends and family I have. One great friend from WV sent us a boat load of Papa Johns pizza. My children have never met her, but I think she is officially their favorite person right now. I received numerous calls from church. Lots of messages from family. We are loved.

Oh, and remember the fall I took? As silly as it sounds, that part has been the most entertaining of all. I have the biggest black eye. It's a nice shade of purple. The only issue is that it's still swollen, and I have a good bit of purple under my eye. Can't camoflage that with a nice plum shade on the other eye. My oldest told me that it brings out my eye color. Uh, thanks... LOL! It's also made going out in public fun. I haven't done much, since I'm still resting quite a bit, but I did run out this morning while I was kid free (the girls were at school, Ezra was sleeping, and Hank was at home getting ready for work), and I got a few awesome looks from people, though nobody asks. I'm just going to tell them, "If you think this is bad, you should see the other guy!"

Anyway, I'm sure I've rambled on enough. Life is not always easy, but with God, good friends, and family, it sure makes the rough times better.

It sounds so hokey...

2010-02-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

...but I'm giving up NEGATIVITY for Lent. Through the amazing power of Facebook, I got the idea through a friend at church, who had posted the idea to another friend (well, my daughter's friend). Initially, I joked that I was going to give up exercise. There's one problem with that. I would've actually had to have been exercising to give it up. I was thinking about sugar. Processed foods. Really, my only real "vices" are food (well, too much food), being a complainer and being lazy. Working on all of these is a goal of every day life. However, I never realized just how hard it is to look upon your day in a positive way all the time. Sure, you have good days. We all do. However, we all have some really crummy days. It's not about being a Pollyanna, but realizing something is unfortunate is one thing. Dwelling on it is another.

For instance, my husband just discovered that our AC/Heating unit outside is making a horrible noise. He checked it out, and it's nothing major, but he can't fix it until he gets home from work. Just a couple of screws loose. (He married me, so he has experience with this sort of thing!) It wasn't noticed yesterday, but yesterday the heat never came on. It was 50something degrees all day. It happened when it was in the 30s. So, we're going to be cold today. It's not ideal, but think about how blessed I am to have to only deal with ONE day of cold. I'm not homeless. I'm not living in some part of the country (or the world) where they are experiencing subzero temperatures. Sometimes we can take these things to realize just how blessed we are.

It's going to snow tomorrow. Really, I want to whine and cry about it, but really? This will be the third snow this winter. We got record snowfall earlier in the month at 12". We don't live in Maryland (where some great friends live) where a measly foot of snow would've been great in comparison. Also, I live in Texas where the weather changes more often than I change my socks. (Hey! When I wear socks, I change them daily! You shush!) It was warm this weekend. I haven't looked at the weather, but I'm sure it will be warm again, soon.

So... Positivity it is. I'm going to be *that* person. I'm sure I won't always succeed, but it's constantly in the back of my mind to be thankful instead of sad.

Maybe I'll also work on that whole "giving up laziness" thing too. What? More surprising things have happened!

As an aside, I looked up the LCMS (Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod) stance on giving up something for Lent. I knew it wasn't a requirement. We are not required to fast either. Just for curiosity. I've been a "Missouri Scented Lutheran" (as my husband would say) for about 6 years. I started attending regularly after my husband and I married, and I was baptized the very same day as both of my daughters (April 25, 2004). I'm still learning. (More than that, I'm a follower of Christ. This denomination seems to be the one I feel makes the most sense theologically, but really, it's all about my walk with my

Excuses, excuses...

2010-01-24T15:42:00.000-08:00

Yes... Again, I've been gone for a while. I swear it wasn't because life was too harried, or that I drowned in a vat of Haggen Daaz (sic) Five Coffee ice cream. I swear. I have a really good reason. I just can't tell all of you about it for a couple of weeks. (I know I have so many readers that you're all going to be biting your nails until I reveal, right?)

I've also taken a break from Weight Watchers. I love the lifestyle, but right now I'm good where I'm at. I want to focus more on fitness than the scale, though I did buy a scale, and I'm keeping track. I really just want to stay the same for a while. I'm okay being a size 12. I like me. My husband thinks I'm super sexy, and is there anyone else I'm really trying to impress in that arena?

The big thing is that I'm not constantly worried about my weight or what I'm eating. I foul up sometimes. I might eat way too much junk one day. However, I've really started to get in touch with how I feel afterward, and it's not a good thing. I've learned that feeling good is more important than overloading on junk.

I had started becoming obsessed on weigh in days. It wasn't the fault of Weight Watchers, it was me. I became so focused on seeing a lower number that I was not eating anything those days, and I was even refraining from drinking liquids a few hours before weigh in, with the exception of a strong coffee... That's not good. I'll go back when I'm ready.

Weekly Weigh In...

2009-12-15T20:38:00.001-08:00

While I'm being accountable by going to my meetings every week and weighing in, I might as well come here and let all of my friends on the interwebs in on it, also. I seem to have fallen into a pattern. I gain slightly, lose big, then lose small. Overall, it all works out to losing steadily. I can't say that I'm fond of the weeks I gain. Last week, I gained .8lbs. No biggie, but I don't like it either. I went in today knowing I would break my little pattern. I binged pretty heavily on Saturday night/Sunday morning. The rest of the week, I ate pretty clean. Mostly proteins, good fats (more on this later), veggies and fruits. Very few grains. I weighed in this evening, and to my surprise, I lost 3.8lbs this week! WOOT!

Anyway... About my idea of "good" fats. I think most fat, in it's natural state, is good for you. Many vitamins are fat soluble. To absorb them, you need some fat. I've also noticed that my skin gets extra dry when I eat too little fat. Now, olive oil is one everyone seems to agree on. I use extra virgin olive oil, and I get it unfiltered, if I can. I rarely cook with it, because that changes things, and it's not quite as healthy. If I cook with fat, I use Extra Virgin Coconut Oil. It's high in saturated fats, but it helps to combat candida (yeast) in your body, and actually works to aid your metabolism. I even use things like *gasp* butter and *shriek* bacon fat. I just don't go hog wild (get it!?!?!) on them.

Enough of me on my soap box... I'll get off now.

Anna, a girl with so much... Um... Character!

2009-12-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

All of my kids are wonderfully smart and unbelievably unique. All of them. However, one in particular has been making me laugh, and she's amazed me with her want to learn.

I present do you, Miss Anna.

The above shot was taken by the fabulous Chera, and I love these random photos the best. Sure, we tried to pose them, but really, this is their true personality. Not long ago, I heard Anna described as "spunky"... Yep. That's pretty much it.

This picture (taken with my phone) shows her trying to be Miss Diva. This is her most common pose, and she does it for every.single.picture.

See what I mean?

This girl is doesn't simply try to get attention, she craves it. Almost as much as she craves knowledge. I'm darned near worn out from all the questions. I have to remind myself that this is a good thing. Just this Sunday she was asking us to teach her about multiplication. Really? Kid, you're FIVE. So, I guess a lesson is coming soon, if she wants.

She's also not fooled easily. In her prayers, she asked God to make one of her baby teeth fall out, so that the nurse would give her a toothbrush and tooth necklace. I laughed, but told her that it will happen one day, and we don't get to decide when. Eventually, we started talking about the Tooth Fairy. I told her she'd get some money in exchange for her tooth. She said, "Yeah, but is this Tooth Fairy real?" I said, "Well, if you don't believe in the Tooth Fairy, she won't give you any money." She replied, "Okay, I'll believe in her, but really... Is she real?" Oh dear.

Blogging about the fact that I haven't blogged...

2009-12-04T08:31:00.001-08:00

I've become one of those. I promise to get better. I feel like the deadbeat dad who's forever promising to take his son fishing, but always bails. I will not be a deadbeat blogger any longer.

SO... How's about some updates?

Emotional Baggage: It's good. There's very little. Not to say that I don't have good and bad days, but the good are FAR outweighing the bad since I started taking Prozac. My wonderful, understanding husband could not understand why I was so sad, angry and emotional all the time, and it was taking a toll on us. He's a pretty anti-meds kind of guy, so seeing him become a believer is pretty funny.

Weight Loss: Slower than before the miscarriage, but still going well. 54.6 pounds lost since April 20. That includes the nearly two months I knew I was pregnant. That's pretty good. I seem to have fallen into some sort of lose/lose/gain pattern lately, and I'm not sure what's causing it, but I'm still mostly losing. I even managed to lose over the Thanksgiving Holiday. I wouldn't know if that's ever happened before, because I've never been brave enough to get anywhere near a scale during the holidays. That means I have 22.8 pounds to lose to get to a "healthy" BMI, though I'm already feeling really healthy. Then again, the stupid BMI chart listed me as overweight back when I was 170 and in a size 8. Meh. lol

Kids: Allison is doing great, but I worry that she's overloaded. She's a very smart and capable kid, so I'm letting her keep doing what she's doing as long as she can keep her grades up. Anna is a total smarty pants. Her MAP scores showed that she is where they expect 2nd grade kids to be in the Spring. (I forget the actual score, I'll have to look in my file... lol) Her math abilities put her on a 1st grade level. Her teacher is giving her different homework than the rest of the students so that she can be challenged. I'm VERY happy with her teacher. She has issues talking out of turn, but this is Anna. I expected that. We have a deal that if she gets "Purple" or "Superstar" level behavior for 5 days in a row, I will bring her the lunch of her choice (probably some junk from McDonalds. Nothing says love like rewarding good behavior with food, right?) Ezra is Ezra. He's such a smart, funny little kid, but we're working on getting him interested in some learning activities. He has no interest in learning most of the general academic stuff, so it's a challenge.

I also have plenty of pictures and video to post, but we wouldn't want too much excitement in one post, would we? I have to save something for the future, so that I can keep my promise, right?

Audiobooks

2009-09-17T07:08:00.001-07:00

Why have I not discovered them sooner? Okay, so it's not as if I didn't know they were around. Goodness. Of course, I know that. I just never thought I would never be interested. I mean, I rarely read. I read magazines and articles. I will read historical biographies occasionally. Overall, however, I just haven't the attention span.

For whatever reason, I wandered into the audiobook section of Allen Public Library the other day. I saw the novel Wicked by Gregory Maguire. Oooh. I'll check this out. There was no loss if I didn't like it.

I am addicted. At least to this book. I already have the next one here by my side. Son of a Witch by the same author. The second in the series.

It's even caused me to temporarily abandon the Pandora application on my BB while in the carpool lane (sounds GREAT through my car stereo speakers). That is big, folks. LOL!

The people who live with me...

2009-09-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

...might want to run for cover. I'm thinking they've already given it some serious though.

I'm not sure what is going on with me, but everything aggravates, saddens, or downright angers me lately. I promise it's not intentional. BELIEVE ME. I'd rather just let all the little things slide off my back. And I should make a conscious choice to do so. I'm trying. Just not successfully.

I think one thing I might do is just lay low while the family goes to church and lunch. I know that Hank doesn't want to spend time away from me, but it might be relaxing for them not to worry about me getting aggravated/sad/angered over something small. Boo.

Still... I need to go into tomorrow preparing myself just to let the small stuff go. Totally. Let.it.go. I'm not saying it will be easy. If it were, I wouldn't be having these crummy days. But a conscious choice is where it starts.

So... I'm going to try.

A walk in the park...

2009-09-09T16:25:00.001-07:00

Ezra and I headed to the park today for a little walking, bike riding, and snack before we had to pick his big sisters up from school.

First, we pack our snacks. I'm trying to make snacks and lunches more interesting. I haven't ever really done the Bento thing, but I figured I would start giving it a shot. Take that into account as I'm showing our park snacks.

Ezra had peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat, grapes, and cheddar cheese.

This was my snack... Some killer Asian Slaw, Pear, and Ham and Cheese skewers...

Here's the park we went to. There's a mile long trail (okay, slightly less - .9 miles) around this pond.

And this was my view the whole time. Yes, I know he needs a helmet. We're getting him one as a reward for learning to ride so well. This is the first time he's really ridden much of any distance, and he's never ridden without me beside him. He's darned cute, isn't he?

Back on the WWW...

2009-09-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

The Weight Watchers Wagon, that is.

Well, I officially started back right after the miscarriage, but I dind't really get my act together until a few days ago, and had my first weigh in today. My last weigh in (July 7) before I found out I was pregnant, had me at 208.6. (FTR, I started this little journey at 241.4.) The weigh in today had me at 209 exactly. So, 4/10 of a pound isn't so bad for two months off the wagon.

Now, here's to getting under 200! Then onward and upward (or downward, in this case)!

Too sleepy... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

2009-09-08T04:55:00.001-07:00

Oh man. It's one of *those* mornings. I'm up too early, and I'm so tired. It's partially my fault. I didn't head to bed until midnight. That alone, wouldn't have been a big deal. 6.5 hours of sleep isn't exactly deprivation. However, I woke up a few times during the night, and happened to have a bad dream. I dreamed that my aunt committed suicide. Something that has already happened, and it happened years ago. As a matter of fact, in my dream, I was telling my cousins how I didn't want them to be in the same exclusive club I belonged to (having a parent die like that). When, in reality, they were the only ones who truly understood what I went through when my mom died. She was the first in our family to take her own life. The first of three. So, then it was hard to fall back asleep with my mind racing.

Boo hiss boo.

So, Wendy and Christy, you both are on my mind today. We don't have a terrible amount of contact, but every time I happen to catch a glimpse of your lives through Facebook picture uploads and status updates, I think about Aunt Bev, and I know she would be proud. I remember how proud she was of my little Allison (little? HAHA!) when she was born. I know that would be more than ten fold with you and your children.

The New Do...

2009-09-06T00:39:00.001-07:00

I had been aching to color my hair for a while, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay blonde or change. I had been so terribly indecisive, I decided to let the hubster decide (in a way). He loves me and thinks I'm attractive no matter what, however I know that he has a preference for dark hair. So, since I couldn't decide, what the heck?

Here I am yesterday (okay, since it's almost 3 in the morning, this was technically two days ago), taking a picture of myself after I'd curled the heck out of it. Yeah. This is about as curly as my hair gets without a frizzy perm. I haven't had one of those since 1994.

And, here I am after the color. It turned out darker than I'd planned, but I think I like it!

Oh, I know. What's the deal with me taking pictures of myself in the car. I promise I was stopped both times. The first time, I was in the parking lot of my eldest's school. I looked in the rear view and was having a great self-esteem kind of day. I scrutinize my features so often, that I might as well enjoy it when I actually feel pretty. I think we should all have "pretty" days more often.

With the second one, I was just going outside to get good light on my way out the door. The sun was too bright, so I sat in the car to block a little of it. Another pretty okay picture. Two pretty days in a row? Why that's unheard of! I like it!

Fix my hair or write in my blog?

2009-09-03T13:46:00.001-07:00

Eh... I'm not trollin' for dates these days anyway. Well, I do like a nice date now and then, but the only guy I date likes me as is. He's pretty amazing, like that.

Right now, I'm trying to distract myself. It's not working. I've been hungry and thinking about food all day. What in the world is up with that? I haven't had any huge flubs yet, but this week has been a struggle, food wise.

Maybe it's because when I initially started WW, I had a few more points to work with. But I don't recall being this hungry my first week. Maybe I've just been sitting at home more than usual, taking it easy (okay, so I'm milking it right now.), and food is on my mind more. Whatever. I just can't wait for this week to be over.

I can't wait to NOT be hungry all the freakin' time.

Random thoughts... Try to keep up...

2009-09-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

I am genuinely happy right now. Not that things are all peachy, but I'm content and okay with things right now. Yesterday was pretty good. Ezra and I went to Arbor Hills Nature Preserve. He could play, I could walk. I guess I'm not 100% yet physically, but it still felt good to get some activity. I'll just have to work up to it. No biggie. Then we had Choir practice... Both Anna and I. It was the first of the season, and Anna's first one, ever. She was so excited. It was great to see my church family, since I skipped out on church a few days ago. I got a few hugs, with very few words attached to them. It was nice, and exactly what I needed. :)

Today, I'm sitting here with my little man watching Monsters, Inc. Yes. We're watching the evil television. We'll head to the library later and ride bikes (he will, I'll just hang with him), so if we veg out for a bit, no biggie. Plus, I'm a little soft for Monsters, Inc. It's my favorite Pixar movie. Probably in the top 5 of all kids' movies, to be honest.

I've also had some mixed emotions. The other day, I was researching the Essure procedure (a form of sterilization), and while I knew I needn't make any decisions about anything like that now, I was pretty set on having it done when I felt ready. Today, I'm reading a lot about trusting God with certain aspects of our lives. (I mean, I do my best [and fail, I *am* human] to do this in all areas, I'm just speaking about a couple, in particular.) Specifically, the size of our family. It's what we've done for a while. We weren't actively trying or preventing, we were just letting things happen as they may. And it did take us a while to get pregnant. Maybe we're not as fertile as we used to be. But if it's God's plan for us to have another, who am I to question Him. I just have to learn to trust.

See... Random. But it's okay.

Crap.

2009-09-01T08:08:00.001-07:00

I had been trying to get my head in a more positive place with the miscarriage. I know it happens to lots of women. It had nothing to do with me. Well, I guess that part doesn't bother me so much. I know my body does great work when it comes to growing babies. I have had three big, beautiful healthy ones.

But I'm trying to tell myself this was for the best. After all, in one year, they will ALL be in school. Look at the freedom I'll have! I'll be able to do so much volunteering for their schools. I'll have some time to do things like workout during the day... Get lots of yard work done... Take some classes... Get a part time job... Doesn't that all sound great?

Then I see things that instantly put me into a funk. Yesterday, I was watching a stupid soap opera (General Hospital), and there was a scene where the husband (Jax) was lovingly putting his hand's on his wife's (Carly) belly. It was so sweet. And it made me jealous. Jealous of a fictitious character.

Lots of women on my local moms' board (DFW Area Moms - GREAT place if you're a mom in the DFW area) are pregnant and having babies. One just gave birth at home, and while I'm ELATED for her, I'm a little melancholy.

I'm not sure if I should just wallow for a bit to get it out, or keep reminding myself of all the positives. Really, I believe this is a tragedy for me and my husband (and possibly my kids, though they haven't expressed very much, which is okay, too) more than for the baby. He/She is in a way better place right now. My sadness is purely selfish. Not that it's a bad thing to be sad, or that I'm wrong or selfish for it. But the fact remains that I'm sad because of what *I* am missing out on.

Anyway, I warned you yesterday there might be some posts like this coming. Just emotional junk I need to get rid of. And I'm thankful I have a place to release all of it.

My Anna...

2009-09-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

I love her attitude. It's awesome to have a kid who is so excited about school. She was a little sniffly yesterday, and for a moment, I thought she might have a slight fever (the thermometer proved otherwise). I told her that if she were sick, that I would keep her home. This child was devastated. She pleaded with me, "Mommy! I promise I'll go to sleep right now and get lots of rest, so that I can get better for tomorrow. Please let me go to school!"

Oh dear! How do you argue with that? (Okay, I just held her off, thinking I'd assess things in the morning.) Luckily, she was feeling better this morning, so I *let* her go to school. HAHA!

I also have to say that I'm pretty blessed with my other daughter, also. At 13, she is still eager to get to school every day. I remember that age. I skipped or feigned an illness at every opportunity. My oldest is so much like me in so many ways, but THANKFULLY not in this aspect.

Lots has happened...

2009-08-31T07:48:00.000-07:00

I started off in April, beginning a new journey. Weight loss. I used to talk smack about Weight Watchers all the time. I'm not even sure why I joined. But I did. And in less than three months, I lost 32 pounds. HOLY MOLY. That's the most I've ever lost in that amount of time.

Then I found out I was pregnant. How awesome! Weight loss would take a back seat, but that's okay when we're talking babies.

However, I couldn't get a nagging feeling out of my head and heart. I had always felt like Ezra would be our last. Not that we wanted him to be, just that's what I felt. We weren't trying for a baby, but we hadn't NOT been trying for years. I couldn't get that little feeling like this pregnancy wasn't going to make it to the end out of my head. Hank even expressed this concern with me. He said HE always felt Ezra would be our last. He wasn't going to share his feelings with me, but something was telling him to.

We decided we were going to celebrate this little one no matter what. There's no use for doom and gloom, ya know?

Everything was going well. Lots of nausea, lots of sleep... All that stuff. My nausea stopped right at 12 weeks. Cool. I was going to Vegas with friends anyway. Best thing ever! I got home, and we all recapped our trip for a few friends who couldn't be with us. I had my next appointment last Monday, and expected the best. During our appointment, my midwife broke out the doppler to get the heartbeat. No luck. She tried a few tricks to no avail, so we scheduled a sonogram for a few hours later.

I knew.

During the sonogram, it was showing the baby was about 10weeks, and there was no heartbeat. *sigh* I had so hoped our feelings on this were wrong. Maybe it prepared us better. Who knows? I had the option of a D&C, but decided to let things happen naturally. On Friday, around 4:30am, I officially miscarried. It was not painful, but still scary. I was very dizzy, and this was something unlike anything I'd ever experienced (obviously).

My hormones are still a bit out of whack, so if you're okay with me posting all of my irrational feeling, I'm going to post them. :) Overall, I am doing much better. I started doing Weight Watchers again today, just to be able to put my focus on something positive. I had gained 4 pounds during this pregnancy, so I'm not much off from where I was before I found out I was pregnant.

Also, last Monday was the first day of school. Devon started High School, Allison started 8th grade, and Anna started Kindergarten. I'm so proud of all of those kids! :)

See... The Thing About ADHD...

2009-06-24T23:47:00.001-07:00

...is that you become obsessed with something, then forget about it...

I promise my dear bloggity blog, I will be more obsessed than forgetful. :)

And I will post more pictures of my awesome kids!

Five Years Ago...

2009-06-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

Five years ago, I lost my mom. It's funny, because I almost forgot about it today. It was summer, and we'd been in Dallas for almost a year, and I'd just had Anna. Hank was out of town driving his truck. (In Houston, where my family is, no less...)

Then I got a call from my cousin telling me that she shot herself. It was odd, because I wasn't surprised. I didn't even cry. It wasn't until it sunk in that I would have to tell Allison that her Nana was gone. How do you tell an 8.5 year old that the Nana that helped raise her was gone? And the situation around it. I never wanted to lie to my kids, even about the big stuff, so I didn't.

I think I was angry a lot afterward. Sure, I missed her, but the anger was the primary emotion. How DARE she do this to my kids. Were my kids not important enough to stick around for??? I know that's not what was going on in her head. I realize that it was probably an impulsive action... She obviously wasn't thinking rationally. She was just looking to end her pain. I get that now. But then, I was even telling myself that she couldn't have done this. I had dreams that she was killed. Someone else killing her, somehow made me feel better than her doing it herself. Now, I just miss her. I feel for what she's missing out on. That little girl she helped raise is a teenager now. She's becoming a beautiful, smart young woman. That baby she only saw a handful of times (Anna was only 8 weeks old when it happened), is now almost in Kindergarten, and she's reading like a champ. She's so smart. And there's a little boy she never got to meet. A little grandson, I'm sure she never knew she wanted, but who would've had her wrapped around his finger.

I'm sorry that life became too overwhelming, Mom. I still love you and I miss you terribly.

For the record...

2009-05-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Weight Watchers Vanilla Ice Cream Sandwiches and Dryers Double Churned Light French Silk Ice Cream do not make you feel better when you're really angry. Nope.

It was simply an experiment. One which I thought the results could help all my fellow dieters. Yep. An experiment. That's what it was. It was in no way because my husband and kids were making me furious. I mean, not because they wouldn't bow to my every whim. Nope.

It was self sacrificingly done for all of you. You're welcome.

I am not hungry...

2009-05-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

Really, I'm not. No tummy grumbles. I just ate a little bit ago. I'm perfectly fine. Why is it that I really want an ice cream sandwich? Dang ice cream sandwich. Maybe blogging about this will help me through it.

It hasn't helped yet. HA!

I really think it's because I'm tired. I'm not sure exactly why, but I get a huge urge to snack when I'm tired. I think it's why I eat when I wake in the middle of the night.

Wait until dinner, Jenn... You can do it.

Thoughts on Babies...

2009-05-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

I go back and forth between wanting more kids. I know that most people look at me, and I have 4 kids. That's more than the average, and more than most people want. More than I thought I wanted.

But I want more. I don't know if it's the wisest decision, but it's how I feel. I mean, we actually are okay financially this time around... It would be great to actually not freak out about a pregnancy (y'know, rather than seeing that God was actually giving us some great blessings. Sure, they're hard work, but I can't imagine life without those guys)... Part of me wants to have a bit of a do-over, and do more of the things I didn't with my others... Cloth diapering... Nursing longer than I did... Baby wearing... Birthing at home instead of at the birth center (which was still an amazing experience)... I know those last reasons are silly for bringing a life into the world. I would not ever have a child based on those reasons. Part of me looks at my Grandma and her 6 kids. She was the most loved woman ever. I honestly don't know that I ever heard a negative word about her. And she loved her kids, and the 3 that she inherited when she married my Paw Paw (so, make that 9 kids!). They were her kids, not stepkids. And they viewed her as a second mom. She didn't replace theirs (who died), but she also was not *just* a stepmom.

Anyway... I would love to have a crew like that. LOVE it.

BUT... Then I think about the fact that my little ones will be in school soon. And I can help them in school much more without being tied to another little person. I can get a job outside of the home if I want. I can go back to school.

I guess this all sort of came to a head when I was late. Aunt Flo hadn't made her arrival, and while I didn't feel pregnant, I couldn't help but let my mind wander in that direction. I was a little conflicted. Some feelings were pretty shallow... "But I don't wanna be pregnant while I'm fat!!! I can't quit WW!!!" or "I want to get out of this house!!! I can't do that with another one!" Sometimes, however, I would swoon over thinking about a new baby. Another pregnancy. I love being pregnant. And when AF did make her arrival, a little sadness came.

I don't know. I still hold to the notion that if Hank and I actually TRIED to get pregnant we would have issues getting there. Y'know, us... The ones who got pregnant even though we were using a couple of different BC methods when Mr. Ezra came along.

I guess this will be one of those things I'll leave in God's hands for now. (Yeah, I believe it's all in His hands, but I'm just saying we probably won't try too hard to prevent it. Not like we have been anyway.)

Really? You missed me?

2009-05-23T12:33:00.001-07:00

Okay, maybe you didn't. I'll delude myself into thinking so. Fair enough?

I've been doing better with staying active. I'll be honest, and say I haven't had *intentional* movement every day, but I have been more active. I've made it a point to play WITH the kids more, instead of just letting them play on their own (they still get that, of coarse). I walk to the store if I only need a couple of things. We walk to the park. I stretch at night.

All good.

Also, I forgot to update, but at my last weigh in (on Monday), I had lost 4.8 pounds, leaving me with a total loss of 14.2 pounds since 4/20. That has never happened. I've never even lost much more than 15 pounds intentionally, anyway. Of course, the only other time I've lost any amount of weight (other than birthing a kid!) was when I only had 20 pounds to lose. Now, it's a lot more. That's okay, though.

I'm finding out a lot about myself these days, through the program. I'm finding that I eat a lot more when I'm under stress. That sounds like it's something I could've realized long ago, but I never really put 2 and 2 together until I was tracking every single thing that I ate.

Anyway, I have a lot more to say, but I'll leave this post where it is... I don't want to delve into 27 subjects in one blog post. Laters.

This speaks to me...

2009-05-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

I hate having my picture taken. Especially now that I'm bigger than I've ever been before. However, I've been making an effort to be in more pictures. It's painful, and there still aren't many, but they're there.

THIS explains exactly why I'm trying. I dare you to stay dry eyed reading it! (Okay, maybe I *am* PMSing... But we won't EVER admit that to Smartypants (if you'd read my previous posts, you'd know that was The Husband... You have been reading, right?)

Promise Kept - Day 1

2009-05-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

WOOT! I walked for somewhere around an hour today. Well, I drug the double jogging stroller out, and the little ones and I walked to a park that's about 1.5 - 2 miles away. Probably closer to 1.5. Up hills... Down hills... Through a little grass... Running across the street... I definitely felt it. I also got a little extra cardio during my walk. I had my headphones in, but I see Anna looking behind us... I looked, and screamed (yes... I SCREAMED) "OH MY GOSH!!!!" See, I startle very easily, and a guy was riding his bike and was trying to say "Excuse me", but I couldn't hear him. That counts extra right, because my heart sure was pounding.

Got to the park, pushed the kids on the swings, and ran around a bit. After about an hour, it was time to head home. Thankfully, it was cooler, but the walk home always seems longer than the walk to the park... LOL!

Exercise, or the lack thereof...

2009-05-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

I have stunk... Royally stunk, for the past week and a half regarding exercise. It seems there is always an excuse. And really, they're stupid excuses.

Take this post as my word that I will start intentionally moving my body today, and I will do so every day.

FYI...

2009-05-13T08:50:00.001-07:00

I did NOT clean last night. I lazed around online until 2 in the morning. I did start on beef enchiladas though!!! YUM!

Losing It...

2009-05-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

Have you had one of those moments where you simply had to remove yourself from everything and just cry? Not just a weeping sort of cry, but a loud, animated, and ugly cry? Yep, I had one of those tonight.

The day started off with great intentions. There are a couple of discount theaters that run a special on Tuesdays. $.50 admission all day. Score. I can be frugal, and we can have a little day out. It kept getting put off, because nobody would put away their things. (Hint: It wasn't Mommy.) Fine. I let them know that if it's not picked up, that we don't get to go to the movies, and we will especially not have time to go to the park. I feel the frustration, but I keep it to myself. The little ones will just have to suffer natural consequences. However, not only are they not picking their things up, they are creating messes all around. It's that whole analogy where cleaning up after children is like shoveling show during a blizzard. Yep. Felt like that.

So, we go... Not to the movies, but to go to Allison's Dance Team meeting. Things actually went fairly well there. Then to Kroger to pick up a couple items. Oh, and we were going to go to the movies then, but we were late for the time when I thought Coraline would show. However, I looked at the listings on my phone, and it said they weren't showing it. GAH! I just looked last freakin' night!!!

We get home, and I make dinner. It seems as if things are getting spilled left and right, and little ones are playing at the table more than they are eating at the table. Then comes the speech that if they want to play, that's fine. However, they have to get out of the kitchen. They eat. Slowly but surely, the playing starts again. Mind you, this isn't just having a little fun and giggling. I'm not so strict that I don't allow fun. I just don't allow a bunch of physical play during meal time. Mean mom, I know. I clean up the messes, and then yogurt is dropped, flinging everywhere. Really? REALLY? Alright guys. I tell them to brush their teeth, and that it's time to wind down in their room. I ask the husband type person to help them, because they're not waiting on him. He is trying to get to a stopping point on Final Fantasy... omg. So, I get the teenager type person in there. (Child labor rules, by the way!) Husband says that he was on his way in there, and I just said it wasn't a problem. (He's had one of those days too... He's a good dad, but needed some wind down time.)

This all comes to a head, and I just had to go to our garage. I didn't want a spectacle, and I wanted to be alone. I mastered the ugly cry while I was in there. It was a sight, I'm tellin' ya. I came in, and Hank (the aforementioned Husband) asks what's wrong. Oh crap... Here comes the ugly cry again... "I'm just... It's just... I'm just frustrated!!!! I can't seem to get anything done!!!"

Smartypants (again, the aforementioned Husband) says, "Well, at least you're not pregnant, because it sure sounds like you're PMSing and getting ready to start!" Whuh? He was hugging me and rubbing my head, so I'm sure this was an attempt to be sweet, but um... No. But, I was still too far into the ugly cry to really get mad, and he had good enough intentions. What was that road to hell paved with again?

OOOOH! And just to make the night even MORE fabulous, my littlest one, Dear Ezra, was mad and decided to pee on the floor. ON.FREAKIN.PURPOSE. I mean, he pulled his undies off in the room. Are you kidding!?!?!?! Well, I'm really glad I got that little steam spot cleaner thingie. *sigh*

Now I'm debating if I want to veg out in front of the laptop a little more or clean. At least if I clean, I'll actually accomplish something now that everyone's in bed! I'll report back tomorrow. I know you'll be anxiously waiting.

My Blogroll...

2009-05-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

It's updated! YAY! Lots of great blogs there... Lots of women from the DFW Area Moms community I belong to. Now I can stalk them. I mean, now I can *keep up* with them.

About That Posting Frenzy...

2009-05-11T21:09:00.001-07:00

Yeah, so it didn't happen... But it is only a couple days later!!!

I went to my WW Meeting today, and since April 20th, I've lost 9.4 pounds!!! I lost 2.6 pounds just this past week. And really, I was worried. I have not been putting in the exercise minutes that I should.

However, while I might not make the best food choices all the time, I'm doing so much better. We did the buffet thing for two Sundays, and I actually only ate until full, and only ate good foods. And I'm feeling less and less deprived.

I still have to work on eating in the middle of the night. The good thing (if you can call it that) is that I don't think I've had any episodes where I don't remember eating in the middle of the night. I know that sounds weird, but when I'm in one of my sleepeating modes, I will usually do something odd (misplace a food... chips in the freezer, etc...) that will clue me in to what I'm doing. I've just been waking hungry. And I've been able to record those points.

I've also been working to figure out my triggers. I have three big ones... Boredom, stress, and tiredness. I'm not sure why, but when I'm tired, I get the urge to munch.

But still... All is good! YAY for me!

So... Um...

2009-05-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I stink. I haven't blogged in a bajillion years. I know, I know.

However, I'm debating... I have two (actually three, but I'm definitely ridding myself "Tightwad Jenn") blogs, and I wonder whether it would be better to combine them. One is more dedicated to my journey with weight loss, self acceptance, and my journey with my Lord. I don't see why I can't tie that into the blog about the kidlets. I mean, it is JENN and her Barrel Full of Monkeys. It's not *JUST* about the monkeys. However, I like having my little space. Then again, I would rather just have ONE blog to update. Hmmm...

So... There ya have it. I think I'll just combine the two. Beware. A posting frenzy is about to take place.

Pictures GALORE!

2009-03-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to have a photo session done in Deep Ellum with one of my favorite photographers... Heck, one of my favorite people. I actually decided to not be the control freak mommy about their appearance. Sure, I saw to it that the dirty buggers were all squeaky clean, and I ironed a couple things, but that was it. The little ones even helped pick out their outfits. No color coordinating or anything. Plus, I wanted to show their personalities, and some of that shows in their choice of clothing.

Anyway, here it goes. Pictures of our awesome kids!

This was a cool little shot... It took a little coaxing to convince Anna she was going to be okay up there.

Apparently, we didn't do enough coaxing. My little anxious soul.

Can you believe this is my kid? How do I have a kid that grown up?

Everyone seems to talk about Ezra's eyes when we are out and about. But then I want to show them how gorgeous Anna's are. They are a wonderful shade of hazel. Sometimes they shine like copper, and others they are a yellow gold, and then there are times when a hint of green (like a peridot [my gemstone]) sneaks in. People want to comment on the blue eyes (mine included), but I love that her eyes change color, and how beautiful each color is.

It was so windy outside, but it looks like it worked to our advantage. What an awesome shot.

Our very own little Strong Man.

Oh, he's killin' me with that look. It's like I totally forget about temper tantrums, messes, and him whacking his sister upside the head. The boy in this picture could NEVER do that.

My little man constantly gets comments about his eyes. I wonder why.

The big bro and his wingman!

An "Abby Road" tribute gone awry. NO! Look forward Ezra! LOL!

Me and my girls. Why are we in front of the "Moodswing" element?!?! HAHA!

Can you see how TOTALLY excited Devon is to have his evil stepmother force a ginormous smooch on his cheek? (I love this shot, too... It was not planned... I think I was giving him heck about something, but I disremember what it was about. That happens as you age.)

Sisters! And I love that they're in front of the "Lovie" element.

Really? Just how sweet is this shot? Anna adores her big brother.

Yeah, this is what Anna wanted to do the entire time. I love that she's such a silly little monkey.

Devon on his board...

Again... Enough with my little, tiny, baby girl looking all grown up. I swear, I was cursing in a hospital just yesterday about how I *WAS* pushing and it still *BLEEEEEEP* hurt! Okay, maybe that was like 13 years ago, but still.

This is the coolest picture EVER. They were giving each other a lot of grief, and she put his hat on sideways... I love that he's goofy enough to have kept it that way. And look! I got a natural smile out of Allison!!!

Ezra the Handful...

2009-02-26T00:28:00.001-08:00

I sometimes joke that I prayed for patience, and God gave me Ezra. Silly, but I think it's true. Let me preface this by saying that Ezra is a wonderful, smart, funny, and loving little boy. However, he has a nasty little temper and he's quite a spirited little boy. Many of my requests of him end in responses such as, "NO! NEVERRRRR!" (it's terribly hard not to giggle at that one) or "I not play wif you anymore!" Then when he's been sent to his room, he rattles off with the ultimate, "I want a new mommy!" Oh my! LOL!

Well, I have become more patient than I used to be.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things... Especially Mine...

2009-02-19T15:27:00.001-08:00

These came at completely different times (though recent), but they all came to mind today.

Anna: "Daddy has a black mustache that is NOT curly."
Me: "No, he doesn't."
Anna: "Nope, because he's not French."

Ezra: "Mouses don't like Man Chickens!"

Allison: "I think I'm popular because I make fun of my whiteness"

Really kids? Really? LOL!

Christmas Snapshots...

2009-01-06T11:16:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, I didn't get any snapshots of Christmas morning. Hank did film it, and I hope to have it up soon. :)

Here are a few from our time in Houston (well, Tomball and The Woodlands) and in E. Texas with the inlaws.

Look at these goofballs!

Playing around the fountains...

Christmas with the inlaws... They look SO excited, huh? Teenager... Hmmph. HAHA!

Anna loved her My Little Pony from her big bro!

I never thought I'd have a kid ask Santa for an umbrella, but Anna did. She has wanted one for months now. So, how could he NOT deliver. I'm sad to report, she doesn't like the umbrella at all. Can you tell?

Pictures Galore, Folks!

2008-12-20T00:25:00.000-08:00

First off... We have Allison's birthday session (BTW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLISON!) done earlier this month. It still floors me how grown up she is.

And now we have all the goofballs together.

See this picture? Some would say this one isn't worth framing. Oh no. It is. She captured the pure essence of my kids. Ezra the candy fiend... Devon the Serious One... Allison the Little Mommy... (You KNOW she's starting to scold Anna right there, don't you?) Anna the Goofball... Yep. Those are our kids!

Oh dear. I don't know if my heart can take all this. I love these kids!

Pretty Girl...

2008-12-04T14:09:00.001-08:00

Allison decided she didn't want to be a blonde anymore... I like it, what do you think?

Ezra's New Thing...

2008-12-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

His new thing, when he's angry, is to spout off with something to the effect of "I not be wiff you, anymore! Hmmph!" Okay, it's kind of cute.

I'm wondering what to do about this. Ignore it? Reprimand him? Jeeeezum.

Ohhhh, the joys of a preschooler. He's the third kid I birthed, and I'm still at a loss sometimes. HA!

What Anna is Thankful For...

2008-11-30T22:58:00.000-08:00

Tomatoes and radishes... Weird, but there are worse things to be thankful for, no? She made sure to tell us she was thankful for these things numerous times throughout the weekend. She certainly is developing quite the personality.

And really, I promise I will write about my other monkeys too... I suppose Anna's just been on a roll lately.

Letter to My Youngest Daughter...

2008-11-23T20:59:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Anna,

Why must you write on things that are not made for that purpose? Also, it would be REALLY helpful if you would not go all Drama Queen on me when I ground you from your art supplies for a week. You're a smart, mature girl. Please refrain from doing this in the future. I know you're my little budding artist. I absolutely love that about you. I'm hoping this will only make you suffer just enough to never do that again. I got you your own little binder with paper and a zipper bag full of crayons and colored pencils. I put a whiteboard on the wall, in case you had an urge to write on the wall. Tell me girlie, how do I get you to stop without stifling your love for art?

Signed,
Your Exasperated Mommy

Anna's First Kiss...

2008-11-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

There is this boy in church who Anna adores! Actually, we like the whole family. I was in a Bible study with the mom, the dad was once Anna's Sunday School teacher, they have two teenage girls, and a set of 4 year old triplets (identical boys and a girl). Allison is good friends with one of the older girls, and my two little ones play with the triplets.

One of the triplets has become the apple of Anna's eye. His name is Zachary. She is constantly talking about her "boyfriend". Oh, and even though he and his brother are identical, Anna has NO problem picking her boyfriend out. She even told me that she will one day marry him. I asked her, "What if you find someone out there that you like better one day?" She looked at me... She was dumbfounded... Then she replied, "Mom, there is no boy better than Zachary!"

Today, we have our normal church routine, and we sit next to the future inlaws. Anna insists upon sitting next to Zachary, and I spot her *gasp* with her hand around his shoulders. Oh my! What a forward little girl. Then... THEN... We see her kiss him. So, at 4.5, Anna has officially had her first kiss with a boy (who isn't related to her - LOL!)... Oh, just wait until her daddy finds out.

The Halloweenies - Yeah... I'm Late.

2008-11-16T23:49:00.001-08:00

I apologize now. I have a lot of pictures of these gorgeous kids in their costumes. I got lucky, and had other people get some great shots, especially since I kept forgetting my camera.

Here they are at our church's annual Trunk or Treat. They get to do the Trick or Treat thing and we don't have to freak out about them getting candy from random strangers. And they get to hang with all of their friends. One of our members is a photographer. He got a couple really great shots of the little ones.

Here is Princess Anna, after she flagged him down. Really. She sees cameras, and she thinks they all need to be pointed at her taking pictures. While I can't blame her... I mean, look at that face... I am really trying to get her to stop. It might be just a *smidge* embarrassing.

And here is Iron Man Ezra. We watched the movie, and he's been fascinated ever since.

Here are the two pictures I took. Yeah. I forgot my camera, so you'll have to forgive the quality. Still not bad for a phone.

I had planned to take the little ones to a local photographer who was doing portraits at a local coffee shop. First come, first serve. I spent for-freakin'-ever on Anna's hair. I spiral curled it. Used half a can of hairspray getting it set just right. Then we got in the car to make the 30 minute drive, which ended up being an hour drive because of traffic. When I pulled up to the coffee shop, this is what had happened to those gorgeous spiral curls. *sigh* Thank goodness for the extra bobby pins I had. All ended up working out.

Here are the Halloweenies right before they had their portraits done...

And here are the portraits. Aren't they gorgeous? I hope the photographer (Jennifer Mazy) doesn't mind, but I screen captured the images from the slideshow. She did a great job on their shots and on everyone else's (See the full album). And my two little ones don't even look like they fight 92.4% of the time. I look at these shots when I'm frustrated, and it prevents me from selling them on the black market. Oh, I kid. Maybe. Sorta.

Some Pictures...

2008-10-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

I know everyone and their mama has seen these pictures. That's okay. I'm showing off my kids AGAIN. HA!

We will have Devon in for some of them soon. It still makes me sad that he's not in these. So, instead of a group shoot, it was mostly a session for the sisters... Anna and Allison. Allison even wanted to match her sister in dress. WHOA! Who knew. LOL! Oh, and I had to get some of Ezra. Ezra suffers from "Last Kid Syndrome". You know how you have tons and tons of pictures of your oldest? Then a few less as you have more kids. I have lots of digital shots of my boy, but no framed shots. *puts bag over head*

Here's the slideshow for all to see - CLICK HERE

And here are a few of my favorites...

Random Pictures From Allie's Camera...

2008-08-04T11:15:00.001-07:00

A few group shots sans Devon... I hate that he's not with us full time... :( But here are the turkeys I gave birth to!

Here is Anna in her Grandma's hat. My SIL, Janette, bought it for my MIL when she was in Mexico.

I bought some gorgeous Enwrapture Wraps through a group buy with some mom friends of mine at DFW Area Moms. Don't tell Allison, but I think she looks better in this one than I do.

WOOO! Cheap vampire teeth from Peter Piper Pizza, bought with the tickets she won. She loves these danged things!

Allison brought her camera to Walmart, where we were buying a few groceries. This is Ezra's handiwork. Not a bad photographer for a three-year old.

Here's the photographer himself. Allison thought he would look imensely better with a popped collar. *rolls eyes* LOL!

Peace out!!!

I'm BAAAAACK!

2008-07-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

I've been MIA for a while. No internet, because well... NO FREAKIN LAPTOP!!!! It had to go in for a new hard drive. Thank goodness for Photobucket, or else all my photos would be lost.

Anyway. I'm back. Expect pictures! :)

Hijacking the Blog Again...

2008-05-17T02:27:00.000-07:00

Again, I'm feeling the need to talk about Jenn sans the Barrelfull of Monkeys.

I'm not sure what's up with me, tonight. I'm feeling really weepy, whiny, and needy. I think that part of being an only child is being a little self centered. Not that I was spoiled. At least not by material things, because my parents didn't have the money to spoil me. LOL But, being an only child, I was the center of attention.

Sometimes, when I don't get it, I get pretty melancholy. I want to be popular. I want everyone to like me. This is all pretty self-centered. I should really focus on those I love. Focus on THEIR needs. Not like mine aren't important, because they are. I know I've heard someone say something to the effect of, "The more you try to focus on what is going to make you happy, the more depressed you're gonna get." Something about staying busy caring for others, and you won't have time to be depressed. I probably have it all wrong.

I think part of tonight's ordeal is that I'm severely sleep deprived this week. I've had nasty insomnia. I have no trouble dozing off when I shouldn't (right before I head to work... Watching the little ones...), but when it's time for me to lie down, my brain has been working overtime.

I mean, it is 4:30 in the morning. And I'm up. I have not been to bed the past three nights (days?) until 5am. Then, like clockwork, I wake up at 6am. Then, I wake up around 8. Then finally the last wake up is around noonish, when the munchkins get up. Sleep deprivation is a funny thing. I get moody. I'm sluggish. I don't wanna exercise (yeah, don't go looking at my other blog right now). All sorts of stuff that isn't good for me or pleasant for my family.

I miss time with my husband right now. More than just snuggling. I want some good ol' alone time. I want us to go have a beer together at some quiet little bar. Just talk and have a good time. No worries about the job or the kids. Just for one night. I want one of those a couple times a month.

Now that Allison's getting older, this is actually quite possible. I'm willing to give up some costly expense to pay her and go out. NO PROBLEMO. Heck, we can eat beans and rice 4 days a week to get this done, and I'd be good. Stinky. But good. Okay, bad joke. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a really long time.

Happy Birthday Little Man!

2008-05-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Good Times at the Park...

2008-05-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

So, we went to the park yesterday... Jennifer did about 3 miles! YAY JENNIFER! Most of it was walking, but anyway...

This is them in their stroller... I don't know how to explain this expression. I just don't. But it's cute anyway.

CHEEEEEESE!
If you look closely at the picture, you'll see someone wrote "white" on the bench... Very appropriate, since it's right beside the head of my VERY causasian boy... ROFL!

Miss Anna Vista in all her glory!

...and we wuz swangin'...

My mountain girl!

How Could I Forget!?!?

2008-05-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

How could I forget??? I never posted the pictures from Allison's Spring Social. How is she this big? How is she this old?

She looks so grown up! By the way, she was actually sick, but wouldn't let me know. This is the kid that never gets sick. And she doesn't try to pretend she's sick to miss school (unlike her mother 20 years ago). So, when she came to me that morning and mentioned she didn't feel well, I immediately told her she could stay home. I think she then remembered the dance, and trudged through it. I realized later that she had a minor stomach bug, because she got physically ill that morning, AND at school. Goodness. She also didn't want to miss out on her sleepover that night. (I have more pictures, but don't feel comfortable posting other people's kids in pictures unless I have their parents' permission.)

Too Much Backyardigans...

2008-04-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

It is official. The two little ones have watched The Backyardigans Super Secret Super Spy WAY TOO MUCH.

Last night we overheard Anna asking Ezra if he would be her evil henchman. *snort*

Ezra, Oh Ezra!

2008-04-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

We officially have our first black eye! Is it wrong that I'd love to find a good photographer to get some great pictures of his shiner?

Story - He was in bed with us the other night, and while he usually sleep between Hank and I, that night he was on the outside. He fell. He cried, so I picked him up and loved on him. I comforted him until he fell back asleep. This whole process was less than five minutes long. I had NO IDEA he'd hurt himself, I thought he was simply scared and had the breath knocked out of him.

The next morning, he came out, and *GASP*... WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED? Of course, it took me about a second to remember. Poor guy. It hasn't slowed him down ONE BIT.

Know how I know it hasn't slowed him down? Look at these two photos. Yeah. MORE injuries. My poor kid. He was playing on Devon's top bunk while Hank was playing the guitar. I think Anna turned the ceiling fan on, and then Ezra stood up and *FWACK* right on the forehead.

Help Me Save the Boobies!

2008-04-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

On June 07, 2008, a group of moms and I will be participating in the Race for the Cure. Breast cancer has affected so many people's lives, and it has directly affected my friends and family. I will run for my dear Aunt Kay, and three of my friends, Lori, Tricia and Beverly. They are all survivors. The group I'm running with are DFW Area Moms. This group contains some of the most caring women I've ever met. If you're a mom and in the DFW area, you should join. :)

Donate to the cause HERE!

BTW - Something I'm really proud of... (Not that I had anything to do with it... Another very creative lady came up with these shirts)...

Um Yeah... It's Been a While...

2008-04-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

This posting is going to be long... And random... That's what you get when Mama's got the ADD.

This is Allison... Allison is too pretty for her own good. Must do everything to make her the ugly nerdy kid, so that Hank is not one day charged with manslaughter for killing a teenaged boy.

I call this one, "Yeah Right". She has dreams of having a nice convertible sports car when she turns 16... Um... Yeah right. LOL!

Yes, I let my kids go outside to blow bubbles in their jammies. Ezra's top doesn't even match his bottoms, but I figured I'd let him be creative with his wardrobe. It's good for kids to do these sorts of things. Some may just call me lazy for not dressing them. Um, they're probably right.

I found this little gem on Allison's camera. Is he not the cutest thing? God totally knew what he was doing making Ezra cute. He is trouble. Mr. Mischief. But he's dang cute. I've decided to keep him around a little longer.

I have done a really shotty photo editing job on this picture to protect the other kids whose parents might not want all my weirdo friends looking at them. Really? This was the best I could do? Now, it just looks like Allison was left out of the masquerade fun.

Anna the Artist...

2008-03-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

So, this whole artistic thing has skipped a generation. My mom had a real knack for painting and drawing. Me? Um, not so much. I can cook something fierce, but art? Yeah, I'm doing great to draw a stick figure girl with arms that are the same length. lol

Well, it skipped on down to my daughters. Allison used to draw a lot, but she doesn't much anymore. She was pretty darned good too. Anna also has a knack. I'm going to start posting the pictures of what she's done here. I'm even going to attempt scrapbooking them. (Holy moly, is the sky falling? Jenn's gonna try something crafty. EEK!)

Here is her rendition of Larry the Cucumber as a Pirate (a la The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie)...

This is just a random giraffe... I dig him. It's only his head and part of his neck, but I think I like this one the best.

Um, I *THINK* this is a Snoodle. A Snoodle is from the VeggieTales DVD "A Snoodle's Tale"... That's about the closest I'm getting though...

Yep... Birth Junkie, Here Again

2008-02-20T00:09:00.000-08:00

I posted a while ago about The Business of Being Born. Anyway, it will be shown again in the DFW area this weekend in Richardson.

GOOD NEWS! There will be two showings on the 23rd of Feb @
February 23, 2008 11:30am & 2:00pm
PEPPERMINT BABY BOUTIQUE
1778 N Plano Road, Ste. 100
Richardson, TX

$5 or free with a baby item donationFor more information call: 888.99.SLING or visit: peppermint.com

This is what their website says:Get a Sneak Preview of "The Business of Being Born"We are so pleased that our new Peppermint retail store was chosen to host a special sneak preview of Ricki Lake's new movie, "The Business of Being Born."Ricki Lake and filmmaker Abby Epstein examine birth culture in America, and ask questions about the way American women have babies.Footage of women having babies punctuates THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN. Each experience is unique; all are equally beautiful and equally surprising.Along the way, Epstein conducts interviews with a number of obstetricians, experts and advocates about the history, culture and economics of childbirth. The film's fundamental question: should most births be viewed as a natural life process, or should every delivery be treated as a potential medical emergency? Epstein uncovers some surprising answers.

Special Screening Event Details:Saturday, February 23
Screening times: 11:30 a.m. and 2 p.m.
Cost: $5 or FREE with a baby goods donation

The Birth Addict...

2008-02-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

That would be me. I found this link on another person's blog, and I'm sitting here in tears.

DFW Birth Photographer

I know that many people think I'm whacked for being so fascinated by the birthing process. I think it is one of the most beautiful things to watch. I also realize that many see it as a means to an end. That birth is something you have to go through to get your baby. How it happens doesn't matter. To me, it does. My first birth was full of interventions, and I feel like Allison was born when she wasn't ready. No, it's not like it's the most terrible thing that can happen, and in the end, I ended up with a healthy little girl.

But I knew that when I got pregnant with my next that things would be different. Barring any complications, I would call the shots. I would be informed. My blind trust was gone, and that was a good thing. I used a midwife (Molly Germash, one of the best in the DFW area... I loved her.), and she respected my choices... Gave me tons of information... Helped me have a really pleasant pregnancy... I learned how help with swelling nutritionally. I could go on and on. And the most important thing was that I felt like I was visiting a friend. We hugged and talked for an hour or more at every appointment. Sometimes, I had to wait a little while because she was taking time with another client, just like she would do with me.

I had Anna, and felt empowered. She was born when she was ready... She was born without any unneeded interventions. My birth was perfect.

The same thing happened with Ezra. I know that I would not have been able to have the birth I wanted in a hospital setting. Ezra was huge. Ezra was born 19 days past his due date. I knew all the risks, and took many precautions. We knew my pelvis could handle a large baby. We had biophysical profiles to determine that he was healthy inside my womb, just not ready to be born yet. I used another midwife for this birth, Sorani Munoz, and couldn't have been more pleased. (I was going to use Molly again, but she was going to be on vacation the month he was due.)

Anyway, look at those photos. *sigh* They are stunning, and fully capture the intimacy and beauty of birth.

Apparently, It's A BOYS Rite Of Passage Too...

2008-01-22T09:23:00.000-08:00

Just a week after Anna cut her hair, Ezra got in on the action. I'm a bad, terrible mother, since I have no pictures of his DIY haircut, but here he is after I attacked him with the clippers.

The second picture is him pushing his sister out of the picture, saying, "No 'Neh! Me say cheese!" He calls her 'Neh. LOL!

A Girls Rite of Passage...

2008-01-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

Does EVERY little girl cut their hair? It seems that no matter how well a parent hides scissors, a little girl is bound to find them. I know that I cut my hair quite a few times, though it was usually just inches off of the back. I didn't cause too much damage.

My first daughter didn't either. She DID cut her bangs, but they were underneath, and it wasn't easy to find.

Anna did it. Okay, I'm probably being a little overdramatic. That's okay, though. You did not see the 5-6 inch clumps of hair that I saw... LOL! And the big hunk she took out of the TOP layer of her bangs. GAH! So, we had to get it cut. No biggie though. The cut is growing on me, and it seems as if nobody notices the irreparable chunk out of her bangs until I point it out. And I'm liking the bob on her anyway. I think the only reason I had it long was because I could put all sorts of funky pigtails and braids in her hair. To be honest, it didn't look great when it was down and not styled.

The Business of Being Born

2008-01-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

I just saw the trailer for this movie. It's been out, and it's running (I think) in a few select cities, but it will be out on DVD in February.

THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN

He's A Big Boy, He Is...

2008-01-10T12:20:00.000-08:00

You know your son is growing up when he wants to put his own diaper cream on his sore booty.

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything...

2007-12-27T14:06:00.000-08:00

I am too excited. Much more excited than an adult should be about a kids' movie. But I am giddily excited about Veggie Tales' new movies, The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Yes, all of the VT movies have put forth values that want my children to embrace. Values that I embrace. But really, it's also because I don't want to claw my eyes out when I'm watching it. I laugh at the shows. I mean, I crack up. And there are other Christian (and non-faith based) shows that they love, and that are positive for them, but I absolutely adore the Veggies.

The movie comes out on January 11th... We WILL be seeing it. CLICK HERE FOR THE TRAILER

And if you're actually interested in seeing it too... THEATRE LISTING

Um... I Think I Need More Sleep

2007-12-26T21:57:00.000-08:00

I must be tired... It's Dorothy HAMIL, not HAMILTON... GAH!

Family...

2007-12-26T20:14:00.001-08:00

Well, Christmas was a little disorganized... I found (too late) that my family has decided to get together this next weekend for Spaghetti Dinner to celebrate Christmas. I'm only upset, because I don't know if we'll have the money to travel down there. The gas will kill me. LOL! I will try though. I have 3/4 of a tank of gas right now. It takes right at a tank of gas to get there and back. But I wanna go back. I got to see my cousin Stacy, and it's been way too long. I also got to meet her newest little boy Zacchary. He's a cutie pie. I looked at pictures of Taylor too (her niece, my late cousin Kim's daughter), and it is eerie how much she looks like Kim. There's even a picture where she has her hair pulled back, and her bangs make it look like she has a Dorothy Hamilton haircut. Kim used to have the Dorothy Hamilton 'do, but called it "The Dorky Camel"... ROFL! I need to spend more time with Stacy. She, Kim and I grew up together, and when I talked with her, it was like no time had passed.

It's also painful looking at Kay (her mom... My aunt). Not in the way you'd think. She looks very healthy, and I've heard that they're done with the chemo and radiation and surgery. It's just the reality of seeing her in her wig. Seeing it, and knowing that she went through all of that, and I didn't do anything to try to stay in contact. I suck. I let my selfish anxieties about being with mom's side of the family get to me too much. You're supposed to be able to push those aside when someone needs you. I don't know if she needed ME, but I can only imagine that you need any sort of support you can get. I mean, she was diagnosed with breast cancer less than a year after her daughter committed suicide. Gosh, less than 6 months after, if I remember correctly.

Either way... The point is that I'm going to try my darnedest to get down there. Plus, Devon left his MP3 charger and hat over at Stacy's, so I'll just HAVE to go.

Sunday Night Ponderings

2007-12-23T23:13:00.000-08:00

A few things on my mind today...

I went to Youth Group with Allison tonight, and we watched The Nativity Story. It was the second time I've seen it (the first being last year when it came out... Also with the Youth Group), and it was just as powerful for me. I cried a good bit. I think if someone asked me if I could interview anyone, alive or dead, I might want to talk to Mary. I can't imagine being in her shoes.

On to other things at Youth Group... There's someone there, and I get the feeling they don't like me. I really shouldn't worry about it, but I always want everyone to like me. Big fault. They aren't rude, and they're very cordial, so I don't have anything bad to say about them... I just feel like now I go out of my way to make conversation and get them to like me. How silly is that? If you like me, you like me, and if you don't, then I shouldn't worry about it, right? *sigh* I guess I just let things bother me too much.

SPEAKING OF WHICH... Lately, I get way too caught up with the stresses of this season, rather than the reason we celebrate it in the first place. I'm worried that Allison and Devon won't like what they got. I literally spend hours on the internet and in stores fretting over what to get them. I worry about money. We're okay on money, but I still freak out over spending it. I'm worried that the gifts the kids made will be seen as cheesy. And I shouldn't worry about all these silly things. I've been heck to be around this week because of it, too.

Oh, and I want to spend Christmas Eve here, so that I can go to the evening services at church. But I want to spend Christmas with my family. I can't have it both ways, and I know that. GAH!!!

So, Being Without Internet Is NOT Fun...

2007-12-19T00:46:00.000-08:00

You never realize how dependent you are on certain technologies until they are taken away. We got rid of our internet provider, and now the only time I can get online is if I steal my husband's laptop with his Verizon card. Ah well. I'll live. Though, I'm not updating as much as I should.

Anyway, what I'm really here for...

My firstborn is 12. TWELVE! How did that happen, and where did the time go?

She goes to school dances... She likes boys... She's in middle school... *FAINT*

2007-11-12T20:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, it has been over a month since I've blogged. Being without internet makes it hard to blog, yaknow. LOL! It's been good though. I've spent more time with the monkeys, and we have a lot more outside play these days. It seems like time escapes you when you're posting and blogging about your life, and you're not out living it, like you should.

We just got back from East Texas with the inlaws. We celebrated Thanksgiving early, due to David (Hank's nephew) having to leave Sunday to go to Kansas. I can't remember exactly which Army base he'll be headed to. Either way, he wouldn't be here for Thanksgiving, so I think it's best that we did it this way. He is definitely in my prayers. He believes he will be deployed December 14.

Other than that, it's been fairly routine. Sanctuary Choir practice on Tuesdays... Church and Youth Group on Sundays. That sort of thing. Oh, one more thing. I'm a little excited and nervous, all at the same time. Our church choir director asked if I would sing a solo for our Christmas piece. It's a beautiful song, one that spoke to me from the moment I heard it. I pray that I can do it justice.

And, of course, there was Halloween. I'll go in reverse, starting with Halloween night. We had lost Ezra's pirate hat, so I was scrambling to figure out what to do for him. Then I just grabbed a sharpie, and started "tatooing" him... "GLAM ROCK" on his knuckles, a cross on his arm, and black fingernails... Oh, and I used some black eyeliner to give him a goatee... He wore some of his sister's leopard pants, used his guitar, and we put a shiney purple scarf around his waist. I think it turned out okay.

And, you can see that Anna was Little Red Riding Hood. I think she made a great Little Red.

Here we were at our church's Trunk or Treat the Sunday before Halloween. I love these. Lots of people decorate their trunks, and the kids get plenty of candy.

The Scariest Day of My Life

2007-10-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

Last Friday was the scariest day of my life, bar none. I've been debating even posting this. Ezra is Houdini. We have done so many things to keep him contained and safe, and I have a really hard time figuring out how to keep him in, because he can figure these things out, it's just a matter of time. We locked the doors. He figured those out. We got a baby gate. He broke it. (And it was a baby gate that was screwed in and anchored into the walls.) We put the spinny knobs on the doors. He figured those out. We put a chain at the top of the door (and I'm ordering an alarm), and he could probably figure that out, but he can't reach it. Not even standing on a chair. The sliding glass door stops are a joke. He figured out how to unlock the door to that long ago.

Well, Friday morning, he also figured out how to get the big ol' triple knotted tie off of the security bar too. I kept it on, even though I was told it was a fire hazard. (Truth be told, I have some big cabinet speakers right beside the glass door, and I would hurl one through it, should a fire come about, and I can't get to the front door.) This morning, I woke up and Ezra was gone. (I've looked for door alarms locally, but I'm having to order one online.) He got out AGAIN. And he was at the front office with a police officer. And they took him down to the Collin County Childrens' Advocacy Center, which is run by CPS.

We got there, and they took the two little ones into a playroom, and put us in a small waiting room with no windows. We were there for hours, and nobody would tell us ANYTHING. Then people who were visiting their kids were telling us all these horrible stories. One lady said that her ex made false claims about her new fiancée touching their daughter inappropriately. She said that they have not investigated it properly, and that the day the ex said it happened, she was WITH the ex. And that they took ALL of her children, and they've been there since August. One lady was telling us how she grew up in CPS (Child Protective Services), and that she was molested and it was covered up, and some other horror stories. Anyway, I do know there are two sides to every story, but I was still horrified at what could happen. I will take a bullet for my kids in a heartbeat, but I would die at the thought of them being with someone else, and not knowing how they are. I cried more today than I ever have in my life. Finally, the case worker came to see us, and she questioned me. She was very nice, and even explained why it took her so long to get to us. I answered a bunch of questions, and she said that it was obvious that we had been taking preventative measures, and that she sees no reason why they can't come home with us immediately. She said this sort of thing happens often, but the problem is when it happens repeatedly, and the parent does nothing to prevent it from happening again. And after talking to her, I really felt like everything was handled properly, and in my case, the system worked. I think that we should've been questioned... I was simply afraid of my babies being taken away. Interestingly enough, we got the case worker that one of the ladies had warned us about. I don't know why, because she was more than helpful. Of course, I can understand that you would be quite bitter if your kids are taken away. And I don't know what their full and true stories are.

From the second I was aware he was gone (which was the second I woke up), I prayed. I prayed nearly non-stop. I prayed that my children would remain safe and happy... That my children would come home with me... That whoever was in charge of deciding where my kids went would have a compassionate heart. We called one of our pastors, and he prayed on the phone with Hank. We called a friend in Sunday School to pray for us. We called Hank's parents. I do believe in the power of prayer.

It was also hard seeing Hank feel helpless. He is our fearless leader. When I break down, I can always depend on him to be my rock. And he even tried this time. He was trying to be strong and stoic for my sake, but I worried when I saw him shaking. Then he broke down and cried. I have never seen him cry like that. He's a warm, loving, and sensitive man, but he doesn't cry often. The only other time I've seen him shed a tear is when his grandma died.

We both had the same feeling though. He said that the devil has been trying to attack him for a long time (he's been through a lot of rough situations in his life), but even if something happens to his kids, he will not lose faith, because our God is a great God. I feel the same way. And He has blessed us. He blessed us BIG TIME by giving our children back to us. I say our children... Really, I feel their His children on loan to us during our time on earth. Anyway...

I haven't found a security bar for the sliding door yet (another one that we can put at the top of the door), but I'm grabbing Allison's tension bar shower rod, and putting it at the top of the door. I must never underestimate Ezra. I know that I have to stay two steps ahead of him at all times, because just when I feel like everything's safe, he figures out a way to get out of it.

And that kid is gonna be the death of me. I love him to pieces, but I'm surprised that Hank and I both didn't keel over from a heart attack today. I still feel really drained. I still also feel really blessed. Something this terrible has made me appreciate the blessings that my kids really are.

So, I'm sure that some of you may think ill of me, and that maybe I haven't done enough, but I did everything I knew how to do. And maybe that wasn't enough, but I know that I'm a good mom. Not the best, I have some terrible flaws, but nobody (with the exception of God and Hank) will ever love my kids like I do.

And it also made me realize that I love our church. I love our congregation. I truly, truly do. Pastor Borkenhagen prayed with Hank on the phone during the whole CPS ordeal. (BTW, just seconds after he got off of the phone with the Pastor was when the case worker said that we would be going home WITH them, right then), Suzanne from our Sunday School class had her whole family praying for us, and she even went up to the CPS place with goodies for us, but we'd just left.

Then, Hank dropped Allison off for camp, and Pastor Kollman (head pastor) pulled Hank into his office. He told Hank that he would do anything in his power to help us. That he would pray, and if we needed a character reference, that he would gladly give them one. We shouldn't, as the ordeal is nearly over with. The only thing that will happen now, is that the case worker (Bethany) is going to call, then come by to check out our new locks.

Then when we went to church, the word had spread. Not in a bad, gossipy way, but people came to us out of true concern. I think we took up half of the Sunday School hour talking about the incident and getting words of support from the people in our class.

We had seriously thought of packing up and moving in with Hank's parents to get out of the city at all. Go to the deep country where we thought Ezra might be safer. But after Pastor Borkenhagen's call to Hank, he said he felt a peace, and felt that God wanted us to stay. I do love our church. I still think it's funny that we didn't want to go to *that* church, because of it's size. I guess we know better than to judge a book by it's cover.

I think our Girlfriends' Spa day will be very needed. It's a little spa day that our church is holding for all the women. It's $10 for the whole day (9am-4:30pm), but someone bought my way already. Heh. That's cool.

BTW - While I am still on my guard at all times, and I now get up with Hank early in the morning (to ensure I get up before Ezra), we installed some new door stops for the glass door. All the child safety stops looked like a joke, but all it really took was talking to one of the guys at Lowe's who helped us out. They are metal thingies (sorry for being so technical) that attach to the railing (we have put ours on the TOP railing, of course), and the door cannot open. I'm still looking at getting a double sided deadbolt for the door, even though we do have the chain at the very top of the door. And I'm still getting the door chimes. I've learned that I consistently underestimate Ezra, and that needs to stop... I need to be ahead of my game at all times. And even though I am being very proactive (as I felt I always was, but I suppose I wasn't), I'm still having nightmares of him getting out. I do love that boy.

Anna LOVES Caterpillars

2007-10-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

Day At The Playground...

2007-10-04T12:10:00.001-07:00

So, we went to the park the other day... I saw more caterpillars than I'd ever seen, and Anna was in Heaven.

A few random photos of them playing and hunting around...

I like this little mushroom... Dunno why, but I think they're cool looking.
"HEY! What are you doing over here?"
Anna had to show me the turtles on the back side of the slide... VERY interesting.
This is what I get when I say, "Say Cheese, Anna!" LOL!
Ezra is ready for the rockstar life already. He knows how to shoo away the paparazzi.
Doesn't he look so pensive?
GAH! Ezra made sure to carry along his little sticks of cheese, and then immediately dumps them when we get to the playground. Goofy boy.

2007-10-03T14:52:00.001-07:00

Okay, this post has nothing to do with the kids, but I'm totally addicted to Jigzone.com. Anna digs watching me do them, and I've no clue why... LOL! BTW - I hate jigsaw puzzles, so I never imagined I'd even like this site, much less have to drag myself away some days.

Here is a really cool one I just did.

I did the "70 piece bulbs" version.

Cheetos Is From Heaven...

2007-10-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

The other day, I got Anna and Ezra a couple small bags of Cheetos. Nice, messy, junk food that toddlers LOVE. LOL! (And no, I don't give this to them often... This might be their 3rd or 4th time EVER having them.)

Anna proceeds to tell me, "Mama, Cheetos is yummy food 'dat falls from Heaven." Oh dear. ROFL!

Other Exciting Happenings...

2007-09-28T11:55:00.000-07:00

I've been debating posting this story, because I'm going to look like a bad mom. Ah well. Sobeit. I got the scare of my life on Tuesday.

Ezra got my Carmex (lip balm stuff) and put it in his hair (isn't that where it belongs???), so I went to run some bath water. I came back, and Ezra's gone. I check the rooms. Nope. Did he open the front door? HOLY CRAP! Did he figure out how to open the door WITH the doorknob safety covers? I run outside and yell for him. Nope. I came back inside and yelled for him. I was starting to panic.

THEN... Plano PD shows up at my door with one of our maintenance staff. Before I could get a word out, he says, "Are you missing something?" I replied, "Yes! My son, where is he?" In that second, I imagined him to be injured or worse. The officer then informed me that he was safe with a neighbor (one I had never met), and asked me some questions. I go from horror to relief that he's okay to humiliation to worry. I showed him that I had the cover on the doorknob. We went to get Ezra, and then with all of the major worries (is CPS going to take my child away???), I start thinking about all the stupid things. "What are they thinking of me? My kid got out! He's only in a diaper. He has Carmex goo on his head!" I was bawling the whole time. I talked to the office about getting another lock installed at the top of the door.

I think I cried more that day than I have in months, combined. The officer had to file a report, but didn't know if CPS would get involved. I'm assuming they won't, but you never know. They have now put a chain lock at the top of the door, so I feel safer, but man... This kid gets into everything, and can get OUT of anything.

So, that is my trauma o' the month. Hopefully, this kind of trauma will never happen again.

Oh, and I think I must have made a certain statement more than once, because Anna came up to me later that day and said, "Ezwah's gonna be da def 'a you, huh?" (Translation for those who don't speak toddler - "Ezra's going to be the death of you, huh?") I just replied, "Maybe, but I love him with all my heart, just like I love all of you."

Posting Has Been On Hold...

2007-09-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while, because the babies and I have been the sickest people on the universe. Okay, that's a *smidge* of an exaggeration. But I have been dealing with 102 fevers for a week and a half now. First, Ezra... Then Anna... Then me... This is, literally, the sickest I have ever been in my life. I thank God for a Allison and her superhuman immune system. The flu tried to attack her, but while all of us had a fever for 4 and 5 days, she had one for a night. I was arguing with her that I would keep her home from school if she had a fever. (I thought I'd have to fight her to GO to school, not to stay home... LOL!) She had no fever on Monday morning though, so all was well.

Where Have My Babies Gone???

2007-09-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

About a week and a half ago, we went to the park by Allison's school. I figured we'd hang out until I was able to pick her up.

They had a blast.

I finally looked at the pictures, and all I can say is WAHHHH!!! Where have my babies gone? I still call them "The Babies" when referring to them. But they aren't. Look at this grown up little man.

If you have not already noticed, anytime Ezra knows you're going to take his picture, he says, "CHEEEEEEEESE!" It makes it hard to catch a good photo sometimes, but still... Isn't he just the cutest?
My goodness. I'll have to find one of my mom's old baby photos. She looks so much like her Nana in this picture. Wow.

Now, this is pure joy! Nothing makes kids happier than sliding. Okay, maybe eating ice cream for dinner. Or maybe a pony. Anyway, you get my point.
Some more random toddler-slidin', fun-havin' pictures. Enjoy.

In My Life...

2007-09-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

My playlist was playing, and "In My Life" by The Beatles came on. All I could do was smile, as it made me think of Allison. I would always sing to her at bedtime. Always. But I never got into singing the traditional lullabies. I would sing "Your Song" by Elton John, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", "Goodnight, My Angel" by Billy Joel, and "In My Life". Others too, but those were staples. And Allison would always ask for "that song where you hum like this...", where I would hum the intro guitar part.

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never ever lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Gosh, I haven't sung that to her in a long time. Of course, she's 11.5 now, and in middle school. *sigh* Where has the time gone?

KNOCK KNOCK

2007-09-13T14:37:00.000-07:00

Here is Anna's new knock knock joke...

Anna - "Knock Knock"
Me - "Who's there?"
Anna - "Gwape"
Me - "Grape, who?"
Anna - "Come in!"

She hasn't learned the art of a punchline yet, but it's still funny.

Then Hank told her this one...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

So Anna comes to me and says...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gwape.
Grape who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gwape.
Grape who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Come in!

This kid cracks me up!

Last One For The Day... PROMISE!

2007-08-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let all of you know... You have not lived until you have heard the VeggieTales cover of Santana's "Jesus Is Just Alright"...

Random Pics, Because My Kids Rule...

2007-08-29T10:23:00.001-07:00

Yeah, my kids rule. Don't even deny it.

I am slightly aggravated though. I took pictures of Allison leaving for school on her first day, and I took them on HER camera. Well, my card reader is screwed (Thank you Ezra... LOL!), and she can't seem to find her cable. Meh. Hopefully, Hank will upload them to our share drive soon.

In the meantime, you will have to deal with hot and sweaty Allison walking home from the bus stop. Still a cutie pie!

This is what happens when Anna dresses herself. Really though, it's not bad. A future fashion maven in the making? Though, the shoes have to go. Okay, they're good to play in.

Look at these eyes! I'm in love with her hazel eyes!

And I'm just plain IN LOVE with this picture!

Little GI Ezra listening to some tunes. Nope, not any Veggie music, but he's okay with Mom's music. (Probably some Ryan Adams, Stone Temple Pilots, or Plumb...)

VeggieTales Rules Our House...

2007-08-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, the two little ones *LOVE* VeggieTales. Mommy likes them too, because 1) it's actually pretty funny stuff, 2) it's Christian based, so lots of values I want to teach them, and 3) it ISN'T Wonder Pets. (Anything gets points for NOT being Wonder Pets... ROFL!)

But, oh my! They have (or I have, so I have only myself to blame) discovered Veggie Radio... It's on the front page of http://www.bigidea.com

What have I done???!!!???

Oh Ezra... SIGH

2007-08-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

Ezra is a handful. A wonderful, gorgeous, loving little handful. But I hit the end of my rope Monday. I have a ton of stress right now from outside forces (mostly financial), and this was the icing on the cake.

I put a VeggieTales movie on, and went to the bathroom. Well, I left the peanut butter out. When I came out, there was peanut butter EVERYWHERE. All over him... All over both sofas... All over the rug, carpet and walls... I saw RED. I knew then that I couldn't touch him, and it was hard to even speak without yelling. I just looked at him and said, "You go sit in time out, NOW." It was then that I could see how people lose it and hit their kids (not simply spanking, but really hurting them). It's not an excuse, and it's never right, but I knew at that moment, if I touched him, I could hurt him. I sat at the computer (he was still in sight) and IM'ed with Hank... It was the only thing I could do. I would deal with the mess later. Hank told me to take pictures, and I was like "What?", but I did. And now I'm glad. It's funny now. And I'll keep it as proof of what a handful he was... LOL!

Here is the proof...

The Meineke Clan

2007-08-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have a million blogs, it seems. Well, I have my MySpace and a private one, so okay... Not quite a million. I exaggerate sometimes.

This one is solely devoted to the family. The Meineke Clan - Hank, Jennifer, Devon, Allison, Anna Vista, and last (but surely NEVER the least) Ezra.

Intros? Hank is a Terminal Manager for a logistics company named Nordic. It's still a pretty new division, so he has his ups and downs, but he still kicks some major butt. He is 31, and an awesomely devoted husband and daddy. He loves his guitar, video games, music, and he's an amazing Christian apologist.

Jennifer? MOI? I stay at home during the day with the youngest two monkeys, and three nights a week I wait tables for some spending money. I'm a huge music and music trivia nerd, and I love laughing with my monkeys. They always keep me entertained. I also love church. I had been looking for "something" all my life, and when I married Hank, I started taking adult information classes with the LCMS (Lutheran Church Missouri Synod). I felt at home. Even moreso when we found our current church home, Messiah Lutheran Church in Plano, TX. I'm still growing in my faith, and I'm human, so I have some stumbling blocks. But my faith grows stronger day by day.

Allison is 11.5, and is a middle schooler as of today. I'm eagerly awaiting her return to tell me how it all went (and pictures will come tonight or tomorrow... PROMISE!!!) She just started with the church youth praise team yesterday, and today starts the Oboe in school. She's a total smarteypants and social butterfly.

Devon will be 13 in September, and just started his first year in Junior High. He loves skateboarding, video games and playing the trumpet. (And he's pretty good too! :) ) We only get to see him every other weekend and about half of the summer, so we cherish every minute we get with him.

Anna Vista is 3, and is a smart and funny little girl. (And gorgeous, to boot!) She loves singing, and loves anything Dora or VeggieTales. Her favorite past time is going to the Jack Carter Pool.

Ezra is 2, and is a wonderful little handful! I call him Houdini, because he can get past any baby safe item there is. He's the strong, silent type. He also loves VeggieTales, and seems to have a fascination with pirates.

Here are some recent pictures of our monkeys! Thanks for sticking around to read all of this!